Wednesday, July 6th, 2011

Woman Busted In Big Bull Semen Heist

Well, that headline may not be accurate: I don't actually know what constitutes a big score in the bull semen theft community. It is quite possible that there are more successful bull semen thieves who are laughing themselves silly over this story, saying things like "$100,000 grand worth of bull semen? What did she steal, two straws?" (I am assuming that straws are the unit in which stolen bull semen is measured but, again, my unfamiliarity with the seedy world of bull semen larceny renders that assumption rather lacking in any degree of authority.) They may very well all congregate at the same hangout—I picture a darkened bar called "The Bull Semen Stealer's Saloon" where the walls are covered with pictures of the great bull semen thieves of yore—and talk about their latest capers: "I yanked nine straws today. Not too shabby for one day's work of bull semen stealing!" and the like. Also, the gender of the suspect in this case aside, bull semen pilferage seems like kind of a boy's club. Do you think they're dismissive of women who try to break into the industry? I bet they are; why should the bull semen stealing community be any less sexist than every other guild? But maybe I am not giving the stealers of bull semen enough credit; it could be considerably more glamorous than I had previously considered. Perhaps there are even international rivalries where, say, some Frenchman is known as the world's greatest thief of bull semen, but there is a crafty young American, something of a renegade who plays by his own rules, who is bursting at the seams to take the title by stealing a greater quantity of bull semen in a more daring manner. Again, this is all speculation. But let's be honest: people steal bull semen. Wherever there is bull semen, there is someone close by plotting how to steal it. That's the kind of world we live in. And I think it's time that we stop pretending that things are otherwise.

22 Comments / Post A Comment

Sarang@twitter (#15,214)

Could the bigness of the bull be relevant as well as that of the semen-heist? I.e., maybe even a small big-bull semen heist is more impressive than a tremendous small-bull semen heist.

allyzay (#321)

I don't know how to break this to you, but there are also horse semen thieves and DOG semen thieves. The bottom line is, if it's semen, there is a nefarious criminal plotting to steal it.

deepomega (#1,720)

@allyzay MAN SEMEN?!?!

@deepomega Why do you think I've been plying you with all this alcohol?

deepomega (#1,720)

@DorothyMantooth I thought it was for my sense of humor. I guess I'm just a bag of semen to you.

MParcells (#375)

@deepomega . . .and he woke up in a tub of ice, with a wet spot in his pants!

@deepomega You know "bag of semen" is just a pet name.

falseberry (#11,323)

"the seedy world of bull semen larceny"
Thank you.

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

@falseberry I <3 puns

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

@falseberry I knew I wouldn't be the first to highlight that pun.

deepomega (#1,720)

Bull Blast Bandits Brag in Bar! Is Cow Cum Worth Big Sum? [CLICK FOR SLIDESHOW]

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

The French pro and the aspiring American scenario stinks of a TWIST on Talladega Nights, which was a complete work of excellent cinema with a unique plot worth defending.

becky@twitter (#14,213)

i can't watch the video at work, but what i want to know is, did she procure it from the bull, or was it already procured? did she at least buy the bull dinner first?

deepomega (#1,720)

@becky@twitter: In today's edition of Things I Learned From Vets That I Wish I Had Not Learned, So Fuck You Vet Friends:

Did you know? They use an electric device stuck up a bull's ass to cause spontaneous ejaculation when collecting bull semen. It is called electroejaculation. Do not google it.


becky@twitter (#14,213)

@deepomega kinky.

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

@deepomega You just really needed some company with that misery didn't you?

cherrispryte (#444)


…. of course there was.

hazmathilda (#839)

@deepomega GOOGLED IT ANYWAY. #regrets

Smitros (#5,315)

What size is the breed? Was she at the forefront of bovine miniaturization?

HiredGoons (#603)

This is a cock & bull story.

BadUncle (#153)

Who ordered the purloin of beef?

A (long) whike ago I had to travel through some unrelentingly flat midwestern state on a Greyhound bus. We pull off and stop at some gas station in the middle of nowhere – it looks like we have a passenger! But no, the driver is getting off for some reason and opening up the luggage compartment.

He pulls out two containers that look an awful lot like old milk cans. Only after he hauls them over to the laconic man leaning against the back of his pickup do I see the words "BULL SEMEN" stenciled on the side.

Postscript: I later learn that those containers are called "Dewar flasks."

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