Woman Busted In Big Bull Semen Heist


Well, that headline may not be accurate: I don’t actually know what constitutes a big score in the bull semen theft community. It is quite possible that there are more successful bull semen thieves who are laughing themselves silly over this story, saying things like “$100,000 grand worth of bull semen? What did she steal, two straws?” (I am assuming that straws are the unit in which stolen bull semen is measured but, again, my unfamiliarity with the seedy world of bull semen larceny renders that assumption rather lacking in any degree of authority.) They may very well all congregate at the same hangout—I picture a darkened bar called “The Bull Semen Stealer’s Saloon” where the walls are covered with pictures of the great bull semen thieves of yore—and talk about their latest capers: “I yanked nine straws today. Not too shabby for one day’s work of bull semen stealing!” and the like. Also, the gender of the suspect in this case aside, bull semen pilferage seems like kind of a boy’s club. Do you think they’re dismissive of women who try to break into the industry? I bet they are; why should the bull semen stealing community be any less sexist than every other guild? But maybe I am not giving the stealers of bull semen enough credit; it could be considerably more glamorous than I had previously considered. Perhaps there are even international rivalries where, say, some Frenchman is known as the world’s greatest thief of bull semen, but there is a crafty young American, something of a renegade who plays by his own rules, who is bursting at the seams to take the title by stealing a greater quantity of bull semen in a more daring manner. Again, this is all speculation. But let’s be honest: people steal bull semen. Wherever there is bull semen, there is someone close by plotting how to steal it. That’s the kind of world we live in. And I think it’s time that we stop pretending that things are otherwise.