How to Deal with Enormous Dying Bugs in Your Apartment

In which we give advice to newcomers to New York City.

From time to time, you may see enormous critters of the roach-like variety, particularly on the floor, on their backs, with their legs in the air. (Bug porno!) If they’re scuttling around or, worse, flying, just leave the apartment for a while. This on-their-back thing generally means that your building has had an exterminator visit and/or it’s rained really hard! Your new bug friend is dying. :(

1. The discovery is the grossest part. You may be moved to panic! Don’t. You can wait this out. One of two things will happen: it’ll either die, or it’ll crawl off into some little hole. Either way, you win! (Or: your cat will eat it. Thanks, cat!)

2. Some hours later, this terrible bug will appear to be dead. This is often not true. It is likely still hanging on. Watch for tell-tale twitches. So this is when you either smack it to death with something (not a nice book you like!) or continue to wait it out. Those of you who can imagine yourselves picking up this still-living critter and flushing it, knock yourselves out. (Also, come on over.)

3. By the next day, Mr. Bug’ll actually be dead. (Note: it’s likely that your bug is really a lady!) Then you can pick it up with something and get rid of it. But you know, no rush! It’s not going anywhere, and neither are you. Better to wait it out, experts say, than having an ill two-inch insect climbing up your arm and into your shirt.

NB: If you have some friend (or some dude you met on Craigslist) coming over, you actually should rush this process. It’s really a private experience. NB #2: Bug is bigger than it appears in picture.