The 13 Worst Things I Found on Craigslist While Looking for a NYC Sublet
• "We are a house of makers, doers, and artists. One of us is an installation artist, another is a writer and hot rock singer, one is a printmaker, one is a southern fashion designer, one does special effects makeup."
• "There is a cat you will be caring for."
• "The room is shared with a lovely young woman and as such, only females need apply."
• "Couples/420/cigarettes/drinking totally ok, but NO PETS."
• "Room DOUBLES AS A MUSIC TEACHING STUDIO from 9:30 AM – 9:00PM ON WED, THUR & FRIDAY so you would need to be out during these hours on these days."
• "I smoke in the kitchen, but only there and a heavy curtain blocks the door."
• "1br – Open House!-Curtained living room available from June 5, female only"
• "It is a shared, converted 1 BR, Upper East Side apartment. The converted area can be hidden by a curtain. I tend to stay in my room when at home, and would never encroach upon your space."
• "SHE'S A FASHION DESIGNER AND CAN SHOW YOU AROUND TO SOME PRETTY COOL PLACES IF YOU'D LIKE."
• "There is even access to a phone!"
• "SINCE IT IS A LOFT, WE DO NOT HAVE TRADITIONALLY BUILT PRIVATE BEDROOMS. INSTEAD, THEY ARE SEMI-PRIVATE SLEEPING AREAS. WE ARE VERY FRIENDLY AND FLEXIBLE PEOPLE."
• "Shared studio."
• "I am a German guy in my thirties with a small but very cozy and warm apartment to share on the Upper East. I sleep on a futon in the living room; you have your own private room with a window going out to the fire escape."
We are a house of makers, doers, and artists.
This is why I always appreciated Poets & Writers: for what it says about poets.
There is a cat you will be caring for
This sounds like a bad translation on a high school French test.
@C_Webb That one maybe upset me the most! Who would leave their cat with a random Craigslist person in such a manner? Also, SO IMPERIOUS, right? I can only hope that ESL is the answer.
@Choire Sicha FWIW, it could read "There is a cow you will be milking."
@Choire Sicha I think it might be smart marketing. I'm now so crippled with worry over who will actually wind up caring for the cat that I'm going to have to take the sublet myself and commute to Philadelphia.
"Just wait til you see how flexible we are!"
@Dave Bry: As flexible as they are friendly, I imagine.
@Dave Bry must be cool w/ Human Centipedes.
I am a German guy in my thirties with a small but very cozy and warm apartment to share on the Upper East. I sleep on a futon in the living room; you have your own private room with a window going out to the fire escape.
This one sounded fine to me – until I re-read it and saw "Upper East." Ugh, what a nightmare!
@ejcsanfran It may be small, but it's cozy!
I will make you my rent boy, Choire.
@saythatscool Not your chore boy?
"I smoke in the kitchen, but only there and a heavy curtain blocks the door."
This can easily be fixed with a handful of cooking classes or some Ina Garten on the DVR.
Is "hot rock" really a genre? I kind of stopped keeping track after "nu-metal."
I mean, I think it would have an indefinite article in front of it if it was descriptive of appearance or ability? Right?
@Butterscotch Stalin It is a thing.
@DoctorDisaster Hm. So which do you think he's better at, his writin' or his rockin'?
If you moved to Washington, you could always live with this guy. I bet he hasn't found a roommate yet!
"One more thing, please read this so we don't waste each others' time! On our bathroom door is a checklist. I like to keep a written record of my bowel movements and I expect you to do the same."
http://wonkette.com/415551/hey-summer-interns-its-todays-hot-rental-opportunity-live-with-a-poop-monster
@Jim Demintia That sounds awesome.
@Jim Demintia holy (ahem) crap
Sorry to burst your bubble, Choire, but you haven't been as fresh and dewy as that juvenile delinquent in the picture in quite some time!
@Vulpes I am so dewy. Well… MORE LIKE DEWEY VERSUS TRUMAN AM I RIGHT???
@Choire Sicha More like mildewy CHOIRE FORGIVE ME
@Choire Sicha That isn't dew, that's collected nicotine mixed with sweat.
One is a southern fashion designer
Great. It's almost impossible to find a place with secure crinoline and parasol storage for under $2000.
@lawyergay Fortuitous, as I've been thinking of becoming a bonnet milliner.
@lawyergay No Yankee Candle Makers Need Apply.
My old college buddy and roommate (kibd of a bro, but awesome) and I had to move out of our old place because of roof construction and he was like "damn it Chris you were the most chill roommate ever – all I'm seeing on CL are Vedantic vegans with 10 cats who don't want you to play music or touch the furniture – I think I can only live with gay dudes!?"
CL sublets are a menagerie of lost souls.
Why do I think the German guy is going to be shouting "Now, we dance!" at odd moments during the day?
@hockeymom Because that's really what German guys in their thirties with cozy apartments do. At least all the ones that I know.
@hockeymom THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME LAUGH FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOUR DAYS.
@hockeymom Because of this? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBjDZMJUduo
@My Number Is My Address Ha! Is that a PSA of some sort?
I was thinking more of this…but I'm an old :)
http://youtu.be/QHZR9SA5pOg
When I first moved to LA, I rented a couch to sleep on in a 1BR for $800/month. I considered the cost a "probably not a serial cannibal" tax. You can't put a price on peace of mind!
@deepomega Jesus, what neighborhood was that? I could cover most of my rent that way.
@Butterscotch Stalin: Palms. It was a nice place, but definitely not 800/month for a couch nice. There are studios right down the street from that apartment that go for 800 a month, so mostly I was paying for furnishings.
You could always go live with Emily and Michelle in Astoria?
(Amazing callback, by the way.)
@cherrispryte That right there was a madeleine of a blog comment. I was just transported to a simpler, youthful time.
I was so excited by the headlines and then so unimpressed by this list, because, sadly to say, I've lived in waaaaaaaaay worse following my lay-off last yer:
For example! One charming Austin bungalow:
"Ever had a dinner party and thought, fuck it, you know what this needs? An SUV set on fire, being overturned by 6 – 8 pedicabbers! Also, all the hydroponically grown jalepenos you can eat! Must not be afraid of roosters."
Or another one!
"Walls are emotional problems your parents gave you. Live in a barely converted dining room where I've constructed an eight foot plywood barrier so you can drink a bottle of Marcus James and cry every night in "privacy"! Not that it matters anyway because two months into your lease, my 8 year old son will be moving in! Do not apply if you like hot showers."
(Disclaimer: I don't live like this anymore.)
The saddest thing about this list is that all of this sounds reasonable. Except the making and doing people.
@vespavirgin Making and doing people both sound like distracting activities to live with.
Those are the worst? Wow. Craig's shaped up his list since I was hunting and found these lowlights:
"The neighbors are really cool (outside of the upstairs neighbor having 2 Insane Clown Posse tattoos)"
"In an educated ,respectful female .Looking for a independent female roommate"
"Serious Free Rent for a girl that can help me out (no sex)"
Doing the same thing, except in Seattle: "We operate a healing art co-op from the house…" I'm at my wit's end.
I'm not convinced the first one isn't a listing for some kind of Etsy Real World show.
There's always Evanston, pal.
My morning now sucks less, because of this post.
I wonder: with what kind of female will the "lovely young woman" in the third one end up sharing a room? Maybe that cat in the second ad is a lady cat and can go live over there?
"I keep a record of all my bowel movements and expect you to do the same."
Hey Choire, I have a spare bedroom and bathroom that are all yours.
Pet friendly, but, how are you at breastfeeding?
Back in the Dark Ages, James Poniewozik had a blog where he would deconstruct Park Slope roommate-wanted ads for your amusement. I wish he'd give up this "successful TV critic" nonsense and go back to doing that.
If I wanted to sleep in a "converted area…hidden by a curtain" I could just go sleep in the bathtub. Unless that's what some renters mean.
Such a lonely place to live.
Doing the same thing, except in Seattle: "We operate a healing art co-op from the house…" I'm at my wit's end.
@dothyannes
I was about to say, the Portland sublets are horrifying. My favorite: "we are an animal product, TV, and negativity free household, so please leave bad feelings at the door" and "we have a communal prayer teepee in the backyard available for your use!"
@loverofbrooklyn If you take away my TV and animal products, you will be getting a damn lot of negativity in return.