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"Have you ever become infatuated with someone you knew only from the Internet, someone you didn't really know outside of the Internet at all? Did you spend too much time looking at their Facebook photos or reading their personal blog? Did you feel a strange attraction to them? Did you feel like, somehow, you just knew them really well? Did you ever reach out to them and receive an unsatisfactory response? Did you ever leave them anonymous comments, perhaps even angry ones, or generally act out toward them in ways that were unusual for you?"
This is called the early stages of stalking.
second attempt: alex, will you marry me?
Choire Sicha.
@bluesuedeshoes: I know, right?
Seriously, though, hasn't EVERYBODY on the internet done this once?
No?
[Crickets]
@dntsqzthchrmn WHY DOESN'T CHOIRE EVER REPLY TO MY @CHOIRE TWEETS [heaving sobs]
I do! I write you a little letter in blood and then mail it into my magical fireplace.
Choire Sicha.Cat the Cat. (there I fixed that for you.)Hey.
Does the mom of someone I met on the internet count?
@deepomega I think Fountains of Wayne covered that base.
I didn't but one of my other accounts might know something about this.
Quite often when I was younger, less so now. A lot of them developed into somewhat strange friendships via post. When you spend a lot of time on small, insular message boards it tends to happen. Times like these I only really keep up with the people I've met in person.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Yes. No.
That's exactly how I met my wife, Uma Thurman!
Odd Future?
FINALLY, Alex Balk. You confess!
Have you ever become irritated with someone you knew only from standing behind them in the checkout line, someone you didn't really know outside the supermarket? Did you spend too much time looking at their cart, maybe analyzing their groceries because seriously, who buys Suzy Qs and Ding Dongs? I mean, they're exactly the same ingredients, just in a different form factor, right? Does this person even know that? Do they get some kind of infinitesimally different sort of pleasure by eating the same "creme" filling completely encased in chocolate cake, as opposed to when it's layered between two pieces of chocolate cake? Is that what it's come down to, for this person? For all of us?
Have you ever hidden yourself in the shrubbery outside someone's house, breath steaming in the cold night air as you watched their drawn blinds, anxiously awaiting the slightest change in the quality of light from the room beyond, because that would mean that they were moving, that they sensed the incredible love that only the two of you knew about, that overwhelming psychic bond that meant the two of you were destined to be together forever and ever and ever as soon as the dog was put out into the backyard for the night and you could finally, triumphantly, make your presence known? No? Oh, uh, no reason then.
@Gef the Talking Mongoose: I was working on a snack cake listicle…
Have you ever become infatuated with someone you knew only from that one spot on the wall, someone you didn't really know but was always looking at you? Did you spend too much time staring at them as they stare back at you, rocking from side to side? Did you feel a strange antipathy to their judgmental gaze? Did you finally make a noise like a thousand angry tires all expelling their air at once and launch yourself toward them only to find that your claws bounced off the unyielding, invisible wall between you? OTHER CAT, I HATE YOU SO MUCH.
KarenUhOh. That bitch.
I feel like I should be paying an hourly rate to anyone who wants to hear me talk about this topic.
After a couple months of religiously reading theawl.com instead of doing my job, I'm pretty sure that Dave Bry and me are besties.
@whizzard We are!
I went though a great deal of anguish and confusion with PayPal.
@KarenUhOh yeah what the hell is their problem anyway?!
Wait, so this is about me, right? You're all infatuated with me?
"Did you ever get engaged to Sarcastro?"
@mathnet Will you marry me?
@Sarcastro YES! (Dumbass.)
I think this is how the Awl got 99% of its readers.
@katiechasm Who you calling "readers?' Alex considers me family.
@TerseNursePornstein I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who remembers comments from over a year ago.
I still think Sheila should be fired.
Stop trying to ruin the Hairpin meetup!
This post is a flagpole on my grave.
I started reading Balk on TMFTML. And I also think that Steve Lamacq plays songs just for me.
I can't be the only one that's developed a strange crush on Jolie, can I?
duel at dawn!
@SquarePeg: Pfff, you're on your own there. MY crush on her is TOTALLY NORMAL.
This is about Summer of Megadeth right?
I kind of felt that way about Foster Kamer for a while, but I decided it was too much work.
Yes, on the pre-web Intertubes. Some became friends. Some became ex's. Some still give me The Fear.
My boyfriend kind of gets upset when I call him Miles Klee in bed…
@Brunhilde Imagine how Miles Klee feels. He has to hear that shit every night.
sums up how i feel about my obsession – who didn't even show up today to comment. WHERE ARE YOU KNEETOE?!?!?!?!?!
Gail Collins. Oh shit, wikipedia says she's married.