Thursday, May 5th, 2011

From Local Crime Report, "A Portrait Emerges"¹

Do you know what the McKenzie River Reflections weekly paper has, besides the delight of being located in McKenzie Bridge, some ways inland from Eugene, OR, right in the middle of the Willamette National Forest? Yup, a really awesome crime blotter.

April 7: 9:27 AM: Suspicious Conditions ­ 55000 block, McK. Hwy. Complainant is upset because a female put a flyer in his mailbox. Caller is unsure if she tampered with his mail but is worried because he is expecting a tax refund. Citizen self report.

Heh. Also really good: "Caller reports hearing someone shooting guns in the air. The noise is upsetting caller's dogs." We all make so many assumptions.

¹ Yes.

10 Comments / Post A Comment

C_Webb (#855)

OHMYGOD I spent a summer in McKenzie Bridge planting trees for the forest service. That was when I learned that Deadheads and hippies are/were two very different things, and that I was definitely not a hippie. Shaved my legs the second I got home, and never looked back.

Matt (#26)

Way to explain the joke, dude.

deepomega (#1,720)

My dogs get upset if more than 20 minutes passes without gunfire. They find it soothing.

When it comes to local crime blotters, the Rio Grande Sun has no equal:

laurel (#4,035)

@Jesse Hyatt Thompson@facebook Each listing is like a tiny tiny short story: "5:35 p.m. — A Fairview Trailer Court caller said a small child wearing yellow clothes and cowboy boots was standing in the yard next door screaming."

Brunhilde (#1,225)

What I always love about the Sheriff's Report from my local paper is it's bizarre inconsistancy:

"APRIL 14 A Douglas City man reports two horses running loose on Deer Lick Springs Road that are a hazard. Owners contacted. In Hayfork, a caller reports her son who may be coming down from meth is going crazy and tearing her house apart."

bradivan (#11,846)

Nothing beats the Arcata Eye Police Log:

SeanP (#4,058)

@bradivan You weren't kidding:

4:52 p.m. A woman driving to Sunny Brae from the freeway was observed taking bong rips en route.

6:46 p.m. Someone called 911 on a cell phone to report a way-drunk dude in a “Humboldt” hoodie staggering around on the Plaza. The CHP relayed the call to APD, but the rambling wreck wasn’t found, though his multi-hour odyssey of annoyance was just getting underway.

7:01 p.m. Captain Staggerhoodie turned up again, this time at the donut shop, with a special bonus feature: a fall-related head inury. Emergency personnel took it from there.

8:24 p.m. Next, that quixotic madcap Cap’n enlivened the hospital with drunken hostility. He was placed in “soft restraints.”

11:45 p.m. Still drunked up and fiesty at the hospital, the Captain earned a promotion to General Pain In The Ass by blurting verbal abuse at the care providers and slipping the fragile bonds that contained his furies. Police went out and placed him in hard restraints.

Post a Comment