Monday, May 16th, 2011
55

Disturbed Lady Begs for Divorce on Jane Pratt's Website

Wow, so the long-awaited Jane Pratt website has arrived and… well, here is a truly horrifying first-person essay by a woman who obsessively monitors her husband's masturbation and should probably be divorced post-haste. It's incredible. She also recounts her attempts to talk to him about his "personal time" (ugh) and how he isn't interested in chatting and she seems to find this shocking. (Guess what? He doesn't want to talk about it!) Also she demands that he be fantasizing about her while this happens, which, I didn't realize the only kind of appropriate monogamy extended to brain waves. I guess the good news is that their marriage is otherwise so great that they have nothing else to worry about. Elsewhere on the site, ladies who know music are infuriated by the site's little "Where Have All the Paula Coles Gone?" blog post. Which, Paula Cole??? Paula Cole is a thing we miss? If so, good news, she just put out a new album eight months ago. All told: we're gonna wait this one out! We like having more things on the Internet. We like Jane Pratt. We're just… concerned. Their tagline, after all, is "where women go when they are being selfish, and where their selfishness is applauded." Just what the Internet needed more of!

55 Comments / Post A Comment

shelven (#1,992)

I think the bar for personal sex-writing should be: Would Mary McCarthy write a devastating story about this. If even she would be mystified by artistic utility, in the can.

shelven (#1,992)

Wait — WHY is this lady freaked out by a masturbating husband? Doesn't she know what happens when you WORK AT HOME? Or when you are HUMAN? I NEED MORE INFORMATION!!! #freakingout #janeprattwriteaboutabandorsomething

Clip Arthur (#2,024)

@shelven Don’t tell her about what may or may not happen when one is in the shower… ALONE!

This ”disturbed lady“ needs a therapist. I mean, her avatar on the Jane site is her in what is presumably her wedding gown? Seems like someone has crazy marriage expectations.

MichelleDean (#7,041)

I am that rare female who never read Sassy or Jane because… I don't know why, maybe too busy reading VC Andrews, so don't think I'm holding myself above screwed-up girl crap. But was it like this? Because if it was like this I'm a bit confused by Sassy-nostalgia.

Also I'm stealing this from Tyler Coates' tumblr but was that tagline derived from The Fountainhead?

@MichelleDean It was not like this! As a Sassy subscriber (a recipient of the first issue of DIRT, the Sassy for boys!), I swear to you: no. It was goofy, spastic, hilarious, silly and sometimes so wrong but it worked.

They certainly did not worry about husbands jerking off but then I guess those were simpler times. We are all older now, etc.

shelven (#1,992)

@Choire Sicha But Choire, who DOES worry about this! You only worry IF IT IS TO BOYS AND YOU ARE A GIRL. #orcowsorwhatever

@Choire Sicha This is the true legacy of AOL, isn't it? Makes Eternal September look like the goddamned Algonquin Round Table.

C_Webb (#855)

And I thought Tavi was supposed to be involved? Maybe she's responsible for this.

Br. Seamus (#217)

@Choire Sicha God, that mixtape that came with DIRT was so good.

Tyler Coates (#451)

@MichelleDean It was not a direct reference to Ayn Rand, but self-professed "selfishness" is not something I see as a good thing.

deepomega (#1,720)

@Choire Sicha: As the years fly by, we all become more concerned with masturbation, our own and others'.

MichelleDean (#7,041)

@Tyler Coates Oh, yes, sorry, did not think you were saying it was a direct quote. But yeah, ick. Not my favourite mode of lady-being.

jolie (#16)

On the one hand, I'm DEVASTATED that this sucks so hard. Who is this Jane Pratt, and what has she done with my HERO? (At least Christina Kelly isn't involved, though WOOF, her blog is also devastating but in an entirely different way)

On the other hand, I do so love it when things on the Internet are this terrible because I'm a bitch like that.

deepomega (#1,720)

@jolie: Interschadennettenfreude.

C_Webb (#855)

I think the real secret lies in her frequent mention of his unemployment. Maybe when he brings home a paycheck he'll be allowed to play with his penis?

roboloki (#1,724)

if you've got time to jerk you've got time to work.

NinetyNine (#98)

The Frisky is still publishing? Good for them!

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

"(why don’t you just come out here and have sex with me?)"

I'm an unmarried, male masturbator, and this is a serious question: Is there any woman in the world interested in having sex with her husband every time he wants to masturbate?

C_Webb (#855)

@boyofdestiny Nor can I think of anything I want to know about less than my boyfriend's bathroom "routine" *shivers*.

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

@C_Webb I've never met your boyfriend, but I know that whatever he does in there is even more sordid than you can possibly imagine. I'm sorry you had to hear it from me.

C_Webb (#855)

@boyofdestiny All I ask is that he comes out clean and leaves no trail. So far, so good.

mrschem (#1,757)

@boyofdestiny love this

shax (#12,495)

I can't believe how bad that website is. I had no idea "defensive feminism" existed but man, that site is filled with a bunch of essays like "I Stalked a Guy, SO WHAT" and "Someone called me old, LETS GET EM!" What a sad waste of a great brand; a lot of us grew up on Sassy and Jane and were excited to follow this next thing but that just plain SUCKS.

And the woman whose husband jerks off and she wants a divorce? She would never have been in the pages of Sassy or Dirt or Bust or any of the great places for chicks.

(now I'm trying to find those Dirt mixtapes. Those were amazing.)

@shax SOMEONE NEEDS TO PUT THOSE MIXTAPES ONLINE. (Maybe Jane!)

Listen, in three weeks we might be all like THIS JANE WEBSITE IS THE BEST WEBSITE IN THE WORLD. I'm willing for that to be true!

jolie (#16)

@shax On the bright side, there's a whole cottage industry for a clever faux-headline writer to latch on to! "I SHAT MY PANTS, SO SUE ME!" "MY BABY IS AN ASSHOLE BUT I'M SO WORRIED ABOUT MY BABY, WHAT OF IT??" "I MASTURBATE WITH CAULIFLOWER, I DARE YOU TO GET UP IN MY FACE!"

City_Dater (#2,500)

@shax

Creepy defensiveness aside, the oversharing wife would not have been in Sassy because the magazine was aimed at girls too young to have husbands.

Perhaps Jane Pratt (and presumably some of her readers) grew up to be far less interesting than her younger self would have suggested, which is possibly where the defensiveness comes from…

@City_Dater But who hasn't? (Well not me, I'm AWESOME. Although come to think of it, I think I spent Saturday night watching TV in bed? That's not so Sassy.)

City_Dater (#2,500)

@Choire Sicha

You ARE awesome! But you also are not a Park-Slope-Mommy-type, trying desperately to make it clear to all casual observers that having a husband and kids is not going to get you to stop wearing your Bikini Kill t-shirt, as if anyone cares.

@City_Dater Ooh, gosh, I'm pretty close…. THE DEMOGRAPHIC HITS CLOSE TO HOME.

City_Dater (#2,500)

@Choire Sicha

But watching TV in bed on Saturday night is very Sassy — you don't care what anyone thinks! You are more authentically "Adult Sassy" than xoJane, which is trying way too hard.

kneetoe (#1,881)

@City_Dater: Luckily my younger self set the bar extremely low. Thank you, younger self!

@kneetoe Hear, hear. I love being a former underachiever.

hman (#53)

Gosh, as long as I don't have to read about Ian Svenonius masturbating.

Matt (#26)

You do follow us, dude.

ejcsanfran (#489)

Was the writer trying to be "funny" or just oversharing? I honestly can't tell.

I read her profile too – which also seemed like she was trying to be "funny," but made me cringey and uncomfortable, just like the "I monitor my husband's lube consumption – hahaha! Funny, isn't it?"

SeanP (#4,058)

@ejcsanfran either way, yeah, it was creepy.

Bittersweet (#765)

Imagine if this lady's poor husband was a road biker and had extra lube around to prevent chafing…her head would explode right there on the handlebars.

roboloki (#1,724)

if you can read this my bitch exploded

GailPink (#9,712)

1. She should be glad he's masturbating.
2. The writing on that website is beyond atrocious.

LG (#12,497)

there are some really neat people involved in the project, but it just doesn't get off the ground. the appeal of sassy was that it was like talking to your coolest asshole friend about the stuff that really mattered to you, from the profound to the trivial, and no matter what your parents or peers were saying, you could be affirmed– you aren't making it up: that thing you like is awesome! that thing you think is happening really is happening!

but now…i don't know. JP still sort of writes like that, but the people who she's affirming are maybe like…people who really identified with bridget jones' diary, i guess? she's like your pretty, talented, well-intentioned friend who seems nonetheless sort of crippled by her own gnawingly narcissistic anxieties. her own need for affirmation is laid bare, with the vague and bewildering implication that this is somehow itself a feminist act. i get the feeling that she would have been better served, as a human being, by turning inward than by pursing another project that puts her own face as its center.

katiechasm (#163)

"Their tagline, after all, is "where women go when they are being selfish, and where their selfishness is applauded." Just what the Internet needed more of!"

http://www.theawl.com/2011/05/bridesmaids-am-i-doing-being-a-woman-wrong

im just sayin'

@katiechasm Hmm, I thought about this, but I don't really see the connection. Ladies are allowed to have opinions and can do so without being selfish. In fact, I think Michelle is arguing there about being not-selfish?

ALSO BREAKING: this is kind of awesome: http://www.xojane.com/phone#janes-phone/image/lots-nice-stuff-happening

zidaane (#373)

@Choire Sicha Can The Awl make Alex empty out his pockets every day and you take a phone pic of the contents?

@zidaane Oh, I should be taking pictures of payday?

katiechasm (#163)

I dunno, I prefer selfish (xoJane) to self-centered (that Bridesmaids article).

@katiechasm Ha! Well you know, it's one lady's opinion.

Murgatroid (#2,904)

xoJane might as well be Thought Catalog's Hairpin.

Leon (#6,596)

Say will you will about xoJane, but they HAVE A NEWSLETTER unlike SOME websites I could mention.

areaderwrites (#592)

@Leon Saint-Jean But no RSS feed, which means they are essentially dead to me, if I don't see it in my feed reader, it doesn't exist.

bronwyn (#3,351)

But they don't not have a newsletter, which I think is what all the elusive cool kids are doing these days yes?

areaderwrites (#592)

@bronwyn I thought e-newsletters were what the cool kids were doing in 1996. Or was that listservs? Maybe Jane Pratt should start a dial-up bulletin board.

bronwyn (#3,351)

I'm afraid I just can't get down with something that proclaims the virtues of selfishness. Maybe I'm just too uncool to get the joke though.

Suriyakant Tiwari (#242,359)

Lots of issues could surface between husband and wife which could spoil the relationship it is best to take divorce with the help of a good divorce lawyer.

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