White House Finally Bows To Astrologer's Demands!
Barack Hussein Obama II has finally released his birth certificate (PDF), in order to quiet demands for his official birth time from the nation's well-funded lobby of astrologers. "It's about time," said the victorious president of the American Federation of Astrologers. "Now we as a country can move on, secure in the knowledge of the innermost workings of our leader."
"What's the time difference to Hawaii again for 1961?" said astrologer Rob Brezsny. "Ugh, math!"
The president, a Leo, had proved confounding to astrologers due to inability to confirm his birth time, arousing great suspicion. None could be reached for thorough comment on the meaning of his birth time. "I don't have time to talk, I am frantically redoing charts!" said Susan Miller, of Astrology Zone. "Oh God, look at his cadent houses. Uh oh."
That's not a birth certificate, that's a certificate of live birth! And now I can't remember — was the certificate of live birth the thing the birthers said they wanted all along, or the thing the birthers said didn't count?
Anyway, it's an obvious photoshop job because it doesn't include his grades from Occidental College and also doesn't list his father as Stalin and birthplace as Mars. WHAT IS HE HIDING?????
Is it true that if you scrape off the whiteout under Eisenhower's signature on the Hawaii Admission Act, it says "created with Brøderbund PrintShop"?
Thanks; I'll take my answer offline.
It wouldn't take four years to produce this with photoshop so this is obviously a genuine, hand-crafted forgery. Very expensive. Top quality. Luxurious. Trump'll love it.
@My Number Is My Address Oh my God, it even has a watermark
@Patrick M And printed on real Corinthian vellum.
I obsessed with the fact that Obama's mom was named Stanley.
@tballz I remain obsessed that she is from Wichita, Kansas, for All the President's Men reasons.
Okay, now let's see your dick.
@Tulletilsynet : Make sure it's long form.
Is the alt-text a play on "Love Shack"? Have I told you lately that I love you?
Well, I certainly didn't see THIS coming.
We can all still agree he's a Marxist, right?
@boyofdestiny Show me Marx's long form birth certificate, then we can talk.
@boyofdestiny and Black. He's definitely still Black, which is of course what this is all about anyways.
@boyofdestiny Wait, I thought he was a morally weak (TM Ken Layne) corporatist sell-out of PROGRESSIVE! principles? I can't keep it all straight.
@Vulpes He's a pirate. I have photographic evidence.
As someone with a "II" at the end of my name, I am glad to know at last that I am not the only one.
@lotsoftreble You guys are rare. I have the much more common III at the end of my name. My late father used Jr. rather than II.
@lotsoftreble Doesn't the II mean his father is also his uncle? Otherwise it would be "Jr.", right? I don't think they're interchangeable.
@Flaneur The II is supposed to be for a child who is named after a relative who is not one of that child's parents. Such as a person who is named after an aunt or an uncle. The II is to show that the person being honored is not a parent. It's not interchangeable with Jr., although people who don't know any better (or possibly just don't care, but really I think it's the first) do sometimes use the II to be grand.
@taigan World War I was always telling World War II, "You're not my real dad. You can't tell me what to do."
All the IIs I know are named after their grandfathers or farther back.
Great, a Leo: The sign for which is an 800,000-year-old cat born in Africa.
I predict that he will never be elected president.
I think we need to see his grades now. All the way back to elementary school. And release all his test scores. We need to know MORE about this stranger, this person who's not-quite-like-us-for-reasons-we-can't-quite-put-a-finger-on. If we don't watch it, this not-like-us person could be elected president. Imagine if that happens!
Secret twin raised separately. Swapped out.
@zidaane "Kill the spare."
/nerd alert
@zidaane Wait why wouldn't they just run the twin who . . . oh, never mind.
@kneetoe: Obviously the original Barack Obama was raised in America, and learned about capitalism and freedom and saluted ten eagles a day. The Secret Obama was raised in deepest darkest Soviet Kenya, trained in Alinskyite bomb-throwing and was taught to strangle an eagle every day using a burning American flag.
@deepomega EXACTLY. He also makes a wicked Harissa.
Absolutely the first thing I thought of when I saw the time and location of birth: at last, a proper natal chart for the President. Just because it would be fun, though–not as a blueprint for running the country…
@areaderwrites It's Nancy Reagan on line 1. She wants to know if she should sell Puerto Rico.