Thursday, April 21st, 2011

Should You Be Worried About The Size Of Your Penis?

Yes. Yes you should. Let's face it, in today's fast-paced world first impressions are more important than ever. You only get one shot to really make yourself memorable, and there's nothing that blows your chances more than having a penis that doesn't cut it in the bigness department. Whether you are trying to do sex to someone or simply want to impress your colleagues at the company presentation, nothing says more about who you are as a man than the size of your penis. Brains, good looks, a winning personality: all of these pale in comparison to the value others attach to penis bigness. Sure, some people will say that it doesn't matter, but those people are lying. Look at who we treasure the most in our society: athletes, movie stars, bloggers for websites that have found some level of online success. What do they have in common? They all have gigantic penises. Take the President of the United States: you know he has a giant penis. And before you say, "Well, of course, he's black," let me remind you of the historical fact that every president (with the exception of James Buchanan, who was involved in a terrible thresher accident as a boy) has had a huge penis. (When explorers were finally able to locate William Howard Taft's penis they found that it measured a whopping 6.3 inches flaccid. And he also served as the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. Coincidence? I think not.) So you can see how important having a big penis is. Now, look down at your own penis. Is it big enough? Well, that depends. If you want to be a loser for the rest of your life, sure. But if you want to be a real MAN, of course it is not. But don't look so droopy, I have good news for you: There are options! Options that require you to wear a traction device for six hours a day over the course of six months, but options nonetheless. Sure, it won't be easy. It'll be long and hard. But if you want a big penis—and you do want a big penis; what is the point of life otherwise?—you have to go that extra mile.

34 Comments / Post A Comment

KarenUhOh (#19)

That was no accident. Buchanan knew he couldn't measure up, since he came behind Polk, Fillmore and Pierce.

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

Are you my AP American History teacher?

Harry Cheadle (#6,316)

This was sort of a weird post. Isn't it too early for Alex to be drinking?

Alex Balk (#4)

@Harry Cheadle It is NEVER too early for Alex to be drinking.

HiredGoons (#603)

@Harry Cheadle : You must be new here; hi.

Harry Cheadle (#6,316)

@Alex Balk Ah, the glamorous life of a blogger.

Miles Klee (#3,657)

"9-, 10-inchers."

deepomega (#1,720)

Obviously the best is to have an enormous penis and the wherewithal to apply it properly to the people you would like to impress. You can't be afraid to show that dick off!

Moff (#28)

I think a better question is: Should you other people be worried about the size of my penis?

The answer is yes. But I'm not going to explain why. It will be a surprise.

freetzy (#7,018)

@Moff My penis? My penis. My penis seems so smart, but I'm also scared about my penis.

garge (#736)

You know how vacuum machine salesmen stealthily dump dirt on your carpeting so you are forced to hear their whole pitch? What would the equivalent would be for a penile extender salesman?

rrot (#7,827)

Like you don't know!

Pandemic Endemic (#3,825)

@garge: the equivalent would be to stealthily dump ice on the mark's pitched carpet?

cherrispryte (#444)


IBentMyWookie (#133)

So this means Chris Brown is going to be president?

Lockheed Ventura (#5,536)

Query as to these traction devices one must wear six hours a day. Is it something you can have attached under your pants while working at the office or is is something you attach before going to bed at night (which personally strikes me as a little reckless)? If you were fired for wearing a penis traction device at work could you make discrimination claim over your "disability"?

SeanP (#4,058)

@Lockheed Ventura Yeah, uhhh, my friend had the same question. Are you supposed to wear this thing under your pants?

Smitros (#5,315)

I'll continue to follow Adam Carolla's advice from when he was doing Loveline: "Don't mess with the junk."

Lockheed Ventura (#5,536)

Does this mean the Extenz Pills sold at my local bodega counter don't really work?

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

I think this was written tongue-in-cheek, or something-else-in-cheek.

LondonLee (#922)

Mine's twelve inches but I don't use it as a rule.

BadUncle (#153)

@LondonLee I thought in England they came by the pint.

KarlLaFong (#3,568)

Is The Hung Jury still around, or was that just an 80's thing? It was said that Larry Fortensky was a "member."

caw_caw (#5,641)

4 words: giant missed sponsorship opportunity

scroll_lock (#4,122)

Precisely why Milton Berle slept like a baby.

lbf (#2,343)

"That extra mile" is the name of my penis.

You are not my target audience.

HiredGoons (#603)

My Penis? My Penis Seems So Large But I'm Also Scared About My Penis.

scrooge (#2,697)

Somehow I just can't believe it of the well-known wimp George Herbert Walker Bush. Or Jimmy Carter, really.

Violet Blue (#11,330)

29 comments and no one has recommended this on Facebook?


Eric Spiegelman (#3,968)

True story: Aristotle Onassis referred to his penis as the "Eighth Wonder of the World." A few cocktails deep at a party and he'd start to boast about it; anyone who expressed skepticism would be invited into the bathroom for a peek.

You guys do know this means nothing if you lose girth in favor of length?

brad (#1,678)

what, a rock on string too backwoods now?

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