Yes. Yes you should. Let's face it, in today's fast-paced world first impressions are more important than ever. You only get one shot to really make yourself memorable, and there's nothing that blows your chances more than having a penis that doesn't cut it in the bigness department. Whether you are trying to do sex to someone or simply want to impress your colleagues at the company presentation, nothing says more about who you are as a man than the size of your penis. Brains, good looks, a winning personality: all of these pale in comparison to the value others attach to penis bigness. Sure, some people will say that it doesn't matter, but those people are lying. Look at who we treasure the most in our society: athletes, movie stars, bloggers for websites that have found some level of online success. What do they have in common? They all have gigantic penises. Take the President of the United States: you know he has a giant penis. And before you say, "Well, of course, he's black," let me remind you of the historical fact that every president (with the exception of James Buchanan, who was involved in a terrible thresher accident as a boy) has had a huge penis. (When explorers were finally able to locate William Howard Taft's penis they found that it measured a whopping 6.3 inches flaccid. And he also served as the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. Coincidence? I think not.) So you can see how important having a big penis is. Now, look down at your own penis. Is it big enough? Well, that depends. If you want to be a loser for the rest of your life, sure. But if you want to be a real MAN, of course it is not. But don't look so droopy, I have good news for you: There are options! Options that require you to wear a traction device for six hours a day over the course of six months, but options nonetheless. Sure, it won't be easy. It'll be long and hard. But if you want a big penis—and you do want a big penis; what is the point of life otherwise?—you have to go that extra mile.
Thursday, April 21st, 2011
45 Polly Asks: New York Magazine Wants Me to Write Ask Polly For Them. Should I Tell Them to Piss Off?