France: This Country Sucks

France, the tourism capital of the world, is actually a xenophobic hellhole of white supremacists carrying baguettes. It is run by a tiny monster in platform shoes, and while France barely cracks the top 100 of most densely populated countries (ranking near Portugal and Albania), it leads the world in nationalist panic and manifestations of emotional scarcity.

Yesterday, a team of young enraged Catholics (with the support of the National Front!) busted into a gallery and destroyed Andres Serrano’s “Piss Christ” (how 80s) and another photograph, which depicted… a nun praying. (The vandalized photographs will remain in the exhibition, so people can think about what is wrong with people.) At the same time, France refused to accept a trainload of North African immigrants—with temporary visas—coming from Italy. (Unsurprisingly, they are mostly coming from Tunisia and Libya—and Italy is working with EU countries to send Tunisians back.) France eventually relented, because they had to. (But not without a bad attitude: “La France rejette les critiques italiennes,” says Le Monde today.) And who’s on France’s side? Mmm hmm: Germany.

What’s more? “The French spend more time eating and drinking, sleeping and shopping than any other nationality,” according to a new study—and are far less likely than other nationalities to have “performed an act of kindness in the past month.” Yes: the vast majority of French residents are more likely to have hissed at a woman in a burqa than to have given a tourist directions. When will we start bombing France?