iPad 2 Liveblog

Today’s the day, and we’re covering it live!

1:03 PM: Steve Jobs takes the stage. Audience goes crazy.

1:05 PM: Jobs waits for sustained applause to end, calls crowd “suckers.”

1:09 PM: Jobs shows audience a white ball attached to a white paddle via a white rubber band. Product name is “iPaddle.”

1:10 PM: Audience applauds enthusiastically.

1:11 PM: Jobs: “That’s right, you trend-sucking freaks, worship at my altar. I could connect two Dixie cups with a string and you’d pay extra for the privilege of advance ordering it. You sicken me.”

1:13 PM: Jobs indicates that the audience should rise. He drops his pants and begins to fart the chorus of Looking Glass’ 1972 hit “Brandy (You’re a Fine Girl).” Raucous cheering.

1:15 PM: Jobs, pants still around his ankles, takes a first generation iPad and makes a doody on it. Crowd is silent. Jobs: “We call this The Daily.”

1:17 PM: Apple exec Phil Schiller begins auction for the doodied iPad.

1:20 PM: After feverish bidding, doodied iPad sells for $72,028 to unidentified man in front row who tells Schiller that he probably doesn’t “really need it, but everyone else is going to have one soon, so I have to keep up.”

1:22 PM: Audience shown brief video called “2010: The Year of the iPad,” which is actually just scenes of Steve Jobs twiddling his thumbs, intercut with clips from the 1984 Paul Rodriguez sitcom “A.k.a. Pablo.” Audience on feet again.

1:24 PM: Jobs introduces new iPad. First three rows simultaneously wet pants. “It’s so beautiful,” shouts a woman in the back who immediately bursts into tears.

1:27 PM: Jobs discussing features. Lighter, faster, comes in black, white and fuchsia.

1:29 PM: “Helps treat erectile dysfunction.”

1:30 PM: “Controls US military Predator drones in Afghanistan.”

1:31 PM: “Can be used to surf Internet.”

1:32 PM: “Makes the TV show ‘Mike & Molly’ funny.”

1:33 PM: Apparently new iPad can raise dead, but only if they never viewed pornography during their lifetimes.

1:35 PM: Now Jobs is talking accessories. For an extra $39 there is a special cord that connects directly to your bank account and sends money to Apple every time they come up with a new product.

1:37 PM: There is a new adhesive cover available which, using the latest in voice-driven technology, will periodically alert nearby strangers that you have an iPad. Celebrity voice options: Mickey Rourke, Allison Janney, that annoying woman from the Progressive insurance commercials.

1:40 PM: Jobs briefly pauses to deliver an apparently impromptu lecture on the evils of DC’s “go-go” style funk. The band Rare Essence is berated particularly vehemently. Audience applauds wildly.

1:43 PM: VP Scott Forstall comes up to talk about the new iOS software. Chants of “You suck!” and “Get off the stage!” from the crowd, who clearly want more Jobs.

1:45 PM: Shouting to be heard over the din, Forstall tries to explain how FaceTime is integrated. Someone from audience yells, “You’re gonna get some FaceTime with my fist if you don’t get off the fucking stage!”

1:47 PM: Forstall is struck in head with a second generation iPod. It’s a pretty clean shot, and he goes down hard. Looks like he’s bleeding. Crowd still chants for Jobs.

1:50 PM: Paramedics have removed Forstall, who does not appear to have regained consciousness, from stage. Jobs returns to wild applause, says he has two more surprises.

1:52 PM: First up is the announcement that George Michael will cover New Order’s “True Faith” for a British charity organization. “It doesn’t have much to do with us,” says Jobs, “but I know you hang on my every word and I actually think it could be kind of good. I mean, it’s unnecessary, sure, but I bet he does a decent job with it.”

1:54 PM: Jobs still talking about George Michael. Calls “Father Figure” one of the greatest works of popular culture from the 20th century. Wonders if we’ll ever see Listen Without Prejudice Vol. 2.

1:55 PM: “Remember the video for ‘Freedom’? The first time I saw it, I knew the supermodel era had reached a ceiling.”

1:57 PM: The pants are down again. Jobs farts saxophone riff from “Careless Whisper.” Much of crowd holding up lighters, or using iPhones as lighters.

1:59 PM: Pants back up. “Now, the moment I’ve been waiting for since I founded this company in”—here crowd chants along in unison—”a Los Altos garage.”

2:00 PM: Lights go down. All we can see is Jobs’ barely illuminated head.

2:01 PM: Jobs is uttering some sort of incantation in what sounds to be vulgar Latin.

2:02 PM: Correction: I am informed that it is Coptic Egyptian. Jobs continues to chant. Weird vibe going on in the hall. Crowd eerily silent.

2:05 PM: It’s… I can’t quite describe it. Have never seen anything like this before. They’re all changing. Whole crowd changing! Jobs keeps chanting and crowd seems to grow furrier.

Now growing addition limbs. They… seem ovine.

OH MY GOD, he is LITERALLY TURNING THEM INTO SHEEP.

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2:09 PM: Baaaa.

[NOTE: Liveblog ends here. --Ed.]