Friday, March 4th, 2011
23

I Am an Oppressed Minority White Man and I Am Upset

From time to time, but mostly on Fridays, when we're tired, The Awl gives over its editorial space to everyday citizens with a point of view. Opinions do not reflect yadda yadda, disclaimer disclaimer.

What the CNN says, for once, is true, buddy: We white folk, which is to say, non-Italians and non-Jews who look like white people, have on the front of their heads the new faces of racial discrimination. And everyone knows it: "A recent Public Religion Research Institute poll found 44% of Americans surveyed identify discrimination against whites as being just as big as bigotry aimed at blacks and other minorities." Finally someone said it, and when the ladies at the DMV are done being upset about this, we can finally talk about it, person to person. Racism against white people, it is definitely just as "big" as the racism that faces the Orientals and the wetbacks. It's like as big as a whole house! A really big house, like a plantation or something.

Now I know that the Mexicans are on the rise or whatever, and that now they are being elected mayors of some of our cities that are closer to the wasteland that is Mexico. And as I'm becoming a minority, frankly, I am pants-crappingly concerned about this. When you put a beaner in office, first thing that happens is the public schools start serving tacos and then next thing you know, it's Spanish for everyone. Even in the math class! How can you teach algebra in Spanish, I ask you. Numbers? They're in American! How are you supposed to talk math without American numbers?

So the blacks are having all the babies, so the white people are disappearing, and so soon it'll be Monday Night Basketball, which I don't enjoy particularly, and I'll just have to stay home and find something to watch upon the teevee, which will perhaps be golf, a sport not that taken over yet by foreign nationals and the Chinese.

I must say, however, this whole "whiteness studies" up in the universities that the CNN is talking about as a way to measure embattled sensations of whiteness sure sounds interesting. I bet it's totally about just studying things that are white and neat (like Lynyrd Skynyrd?), and totally not at all about the history of colonialism and white privilege, which doesn't exist of course. And I'm sure Critical Whiteness Studies is just like a hopped-up version of white studies, like a Trans Am with another Trans Am inside it, not like some pinheaded way of investigating how the law has been used over time to manipulate white people into near-total power.

Fortunately we are beginning to offer these whites-only scholarships, to redress the balance. Everyone knows that "need-blind" is just a code-word for "poor Asians with great test scores." That the vast, vast, vast majority of financial aid for college in this country has nothing to do with ethnic or racial background, well, hooey, how could that be true! I am sure that it's just because white people don't do as well on standardized tests, because they're biased (so many questions about frijoles and whatnot) and this discrimination means that white people are being kept out of America's finer universities, also because their grades are also worse than darker students, who study harder. Except at Cornell! And the University of North Carolina in Asheville. Very white. Statistically strangely white. God bless!



A White Man lives and works surprisingly near you, and is busy talking about how Obama is Kenyan, and may in fact be related to you by blood.

23 Comments / Post A Comment

DoctorDisaster (#1,970)

This is kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy, because every time I hear a spiel like this (and, though satirical, this is not as fanciful as anybody wants to believe) I am a little more sure that the right thing to do is be racist against white people.

deepomega (#1,720)

I try to only be racist against militant white people. You can identify them by their traditional white people garb (cargo shorts, polo shirts) and whether they pray before meals. If you come across one, it's best not to confront them directly. Just call the cops.

If you see something, say something!

soco (#8,225)

I always knew Obama was secretly white. And militant?

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

I'm wearing a polo shirt as we speak. ::ducks::

iepqopv (#232,565)

@DoctorDisaster
What do you want in life with me I want to help. Its your choice to believe what I am saying. Because I may not be as smart as you, but I work for a living aright. Now to help you back out of the statement you said. Number one I know what the nose and phony glasses game is. I don't play that I aint that funny in life, but I know what pisses your type off. So again I will do what I can to help not harm, but don't blame me for the stupid reasons you put in your own head to validate why one needs to hate. Because the new type me knows all to well how angry you have gotten. I aint that old but much older. Sometimes I wish I had opinions like yours coming from someone that does have family that was and is in the spotlight all the time important to the great nation where I live. I tell you this because; I am old enough to see how the common man can be immune to lots of things. And believe me where my family is; would rank up there with the best. So I can genericialy know that I am right my friend. We are all equal here in the United States of America. I am quite erogant though most peoples eyes because of that(My family). So don't act like I did not type we are all equal here in the United States of America. We all have to work together if not; do what we can in our own little ways whatever that is as long as it don't hurt no one. So just because they don't socialize or play a social game does not make them inferior. Ya know some people work.

soco (#8,225)

Maybe you should work harder, whitey, if you don't want to be oppressed. Freedom through economic achievement!

KarenUhOh (#19)

Yeah? So what are you going to do about it, white boy? Take it to the Supreme Court??

gumplr (#66)

I'll give up Chalupa Tuesdays when you pry them from my greasy, dead hands.

Abe Sauer (#148)

I'm shocked. It's not like Senator Grothman to write anonymously.

cherrispryte (#444)

Guys! You were supposed to tell me BEFORE you published anything my father wrote!

Lockheed Ventura (#5,536)

The Tea Party is going to solve all this.

Reads like the minutes from the last meeting of We Surround Them OC 912.

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

Just tryin ta live.

grinning (#9,748)

Such laziness.
I'm totally sympathetic to the message, but you just put racism into the mouths of your opponents.
Try doing some research and coming up with actual quotes.
You're shooting fish in a barrel with this oppressed-white people stuff, and you still missed.

Mindpowered (#948)

Like this?

"Mike Huckabee, Fox News commentator and former governor of Arkansas: I would love to know more. What I know is troubling enough. And one thing that I do know is, his having grown up in Kenya, his view of the Brits, for example, is very different than the average American. When he gave the bust back to the Brits …

Radio host Steve Malzberg: Of Winston Churchill.

Mr. Huckabee: The bust of Winston Churchill, a great insult to the British. But then if you think about it, his perspective as growing up in Kenya with a Kenyan father and grandfather, their view of the Mau Mau Revolution in Kenya is very different than ours, because he probably grew up hearing that the British were a bunch of imperialists who persecuted his grandfather."

myfanwy (#1,124)

Yes, but then there are holes in the barrel, and the fish suffocate. Slowly. They don't deserve a quick death.

Not clicking through to the CNN article linked in the first line of the post, where there are ton of "actual quotes"?

Such laziness.

White guys aren't actually serious about the racism thing. Without the "coloreds" they wouldn't have anyone to sublimate their violent urges (no, Canadians aren't white, strictly) or their desire to rape white women (via Odd Future).

Leon (#6,596)

Oh I loved this when you posted it on my FB wall in little misspelled chunks, half of the people I went to high school with, spoke to not at all then or now, and for some reason accepted friend requests from!

sigerson (#179)

A friend of mine founded a satirical "White Law Students Association" at his law school. Their motto was the hilarious "WLSA: Pro life. Pro death. Pro God. Pro Gun. Pro America."

George Bush got elected on "compassionate conservatism" but then the 9/11 hijackers made him into our great white savior and he just adopted the WLSA motto as his governing philosophy. Sigh.

Scott Muirhead (#10,248)

RACISM, n. : absolutely anything a white male does, ever, anywhere (ditto sexism)

– the Devil's Dictionary Revisited

DoctorDisaster (#1,970)

Hahaha, yes, all white males are douchebags just like you! Does that make it sort of OK?

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