Thursday, February 24th, 2011
21

Get On Your Bike And Die

I have been telling you this all along: exercise is no good for you.

In a new sliding scale of everyday risks that prove the ‘final straw’ in bringing on a heart attack, spending time in traffic – as a driver, cyclist or commuter – tops the list because of factors including stress and exposure to pollution. But of these, cyclists are in greatest danger because they are more heavily exposed to pollution and are subjecting themselves to another major heart attack trigger, exercise.

See, not only will bicycling turn you into a narcissistic prick teeming with self-righteousness and an inability to shut up about how much you're helping the environment, but it will also kill you. Although I guess that is the kind of self-selecting behavior I am in favor of.

21 Comments / Post A Comment

lbf (#2,343)

Then again, when I finally have a stroke on my bike, I'm gonna look really fucking sexy and fit doing it. And I'll fit my skinny ass in a regular-size ambulance and hearse.

allyzay (#321)

Dude, I've known a shocking number of fat/overweight bikers so don't even.

lbf (#2,343)

I'm just talking about me. That guy wishes he looked as good as I do.

zidaane (#373)

I will extol the benefits of being a cyclist even as I soar over the hood of a car coughing my way helmet free into a lamppost.

Can you set up a pay pal link to donate to if we want to see a photo
of Balk arriving at the Awl office in some cycle shorts and mesh shirt?

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

I would donate money to not see that.

hockeymom (#143)

Testicular cancer may also be a side effect of bicycling.

DoctorDisaster (#1,970)

Lean, sexy testicular cancer!

scroll_lock (#4,122)

Additional risk factors include dating Sheryl Crow.

deepomega (#1,720)

Half the sperm production means half the pregnancy risk! HOT!

I drive because I haven't figured out how to text and ride at the same time.

deepomega (#1,720)

Voice to Text, obviously. Of course eventually you'll end up leaving a transcription of the sound your skull makes flattening against the side of a pickup truck. "Hey steve are we still on for skreee aaaaaaaaaaa thwump squick drip drip drip"

Guess who just finished her Xmas shopping list!

6h057 (#1,914)

This why I always have at least a liter of wine in me before I even get on a bike.

hman (#53)

I don't ride bikes because I smoke, and it makes me all huffy.

BadUncle (#153)

Next Brooklyn trend: kayaking to work.

keisertroll (#1,117)

The Phillip Morris/EXXON Journal of Science strikes again!

Leon (#6,596)

I would wish this on everyone who spends $1000 on a "awesome fixed gear" and then is too broke to buy grown-up cigarettes and smokes Drum or Top instead, but then half my friends would have heart attacks and I'd just have to go visit them in the hospital.

Seriously though – if you can spend $1000+ on a bike, you can spend the extra $2 to AT THE VERY LEAST buy Bali Shag instead of Top. Please, nobody ever buy Top Tobacco again.

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