Cigarettes Officially Banned in Times Square, Central Park

Shock and awe, people! The City Council did indeed ban all smoking in New York parks (and “pedestrian plazas,” which is how Times Square gets in there). Start your lawyers! Tell it, Councilmember Erik Dilan: “I guess if somebody wants to have a cigarette, they have to smoke in a bike lane.” Analysts estimate that the real winners in this legislation are those annoying, self-righteous people who begin to cough loudly and theatrically when they see you with a cigarette from twenty feet away; they finally have the opportunity they so ardently desire to get someone in trouble for doing something that brings them joy. The losers are predicted to be Parks Department personnel, who are charged with enforcing the law: Now they have to deal with those whiny little bitches, who will spend their days just waiting for an infraction to report. God, they really are the most unpleasant people in the world.