Thursday, February 3rd, 2011
18

Cigarettes Officially Banned in Times Square, Central Park

Shock and awe, people! The City Council did indeed ban all smoking in New York parks (and "pedestrian plazas," which is how Times Square gets in there). Start your lawyers! Tell it, Councilmember Erik Dilan: "I guess if somebody wants to have a cigarette, they have to smoke in a bike lane." Analysts estimate that the real winners in this legislation are those annoying, self-righteous people who begin to cough loudly and theatrically when they see you with a cigarette from twenty feet away; they finally have the opportunity they so ardently desire to get someone in trouble for doing something that brings them joy. The losers are predicted to be Parks Department personnel, who are charged with enforcing the law: Now they have to deal with those whiny little bitches, who will spend their days just waiting for an infraction to report. God, they really are the most unpleasant people in the world.

18 Comments / Post A Comment

Zack (#2,609)

Great. Liberal agenda taking away more personal freedoms. Next they're going to tell me I can't sell drugs outside the Elementary School anymore! I'm moving to Egypt.

KarenUhOh (#19)

This is great for all the pregnant women who want to bum cigarettes while parked in the bike lane.

roboloki (#1,724)

if you will deftly flick the short into the eyes of those whiny bitches you should be able to make a leisurely escape.

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

This is truly the last acceptable prejudice.

lbf (#2,343)

Just FYI, smoking on a bike is awesome good times. Please gtfo the bike lane if you're not riding though, or at least don't just stand there like you're a fucking solipsist.

C_Webb (#855)

But can I still wax my teenage daughter?

deepomega (#1,720)

Only in bike lanes, or more than 20 feet from entrances to buildings.

johnpseudonym (#1,452)

I'm hoping that when cigarettes are completely banned, pot will be completely legalized. I think I could make that transition work.

IBentMyWookie (#133)

Man, it's like Bloomberg is trying to make Balk snap.

Also, agreed in re: those aforementioned horrible people. They will never understand the pleasures of looking cool (that's why we all smoke, right? Not just my reason?)

Ya know… I bet if someone actually had the balls to challenge this, it wouldn't pass the ol' strict scrutiny bit…

City_Dater (#2,500)

There cannot possibly be a significant number of Parks Department employees who will waste a second "enforcing" this. 1) They hate those "whiny bitches" as much as we do. 2) Some of them smoke. They might in fact work for the Parks Department because they get to be outside, smoking, at work. 3) they're too busy listening to freaks like me asking them to beat up people who don't pick up their dog shit.

deepomega (#1,720)

If there's a fine that goes into the Department's general fund? I'm sure they'll find a way to make time.

City_Dater (#2,500)

The fine for walking away from your dog's crap is over $200 and no one seems too excited to get on enforcing that except crazy citizen me, so…

MaryHaines (#3,666)

If you should pass me with a cigarette and I begin to cough, I just want you to know, I'm not trying to send a message! It's just that I've recently inhaled some smoke, and my throat is closing up to reject it. I will try to breathe discreetly! I will, however, cough meaningfully if I catch you walking away from a dog dump that belongs to you.

hman (#53)

"No scantily-clad smokers in bike lanes," said the Hasids.

Leon (#6,596)

Wait a minute – going to the park was the one last healthy thing I did. Now I'm not allowed to do that either?

6h057 (#1,914)

GREAT! WHERE THE FUCK IS JARMUSCH GONNA MAKE HIS NEXT VIGNETTE ABORTION OF A FILM?!

Yamara (#9,395)

Cigarettes give off a unique heat signature, and can therefore be dealt with remotely.

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