Tuesday, January 11th, 2011

Oh My God, I Heard the New Britney Song on the Radio

Oh my God, I heard the new Britney song on the radio. For those of you who do not have radios or did not know there was a new song by Britney Spears that "leaked" yesterday on the Internet (AKA how we release music now), you are living in a world where you have not come face-to-face with the monstrousness of contemporary emptiness. I say this as a person who owns Britney Spears albums! As a person who is resolutely unafraid of "oh baby, look at my butt in da club" music! But if you have previously experienced the work of Ke$ha, you may have guessed what was coming. Ke$ha's addition to pop culture is that her studio recordings sound like someone sarcastically singing at 2 a.m. in a bathroom after losing a game of quarters. It's all ironic lip curl with no actual irony. "With my hands up," she sang in her big hit, "You got me now. You got that sound. Yeah, you got me." (Ooh, go on?) And as Britney Spears' prominence was threatenened by the monster smash popularity of Ke$ha, and her sassy attitude, so began a race to the hard-partying bottom. Here in this dark pit, what is presumably our cultural oubliette, Britney arrives with this bit of poetry, set to a pastiche of what is literally the worst and most cliched tropes of dance music from five years ago: "If I said I want your body now, would you hold it against me? Cause you feel like paradise. I need a vacation tonight!" It's hard not to laugh, when it's being played as an actual song on the actual airwaves, even on such radio stations as constantly feature the work of Usher ("honey got a booty like pow, pow, pow, honey got some boobies like wow, oh wow") and the Far East Movement ("Ladies love my style, at my table gettin' wild, get them bottles poppin', we get that drip and that drop"). This is a humiliating song to have released. It makes Madonna's vapid middle period sound like Goethe!

30 Comments / Post A Comment

I just like thinking of the Leisure Suit Larry marathon that prompted this bit of lyric writing.

freetzy (#7,018)

"I say this as a person who owns Britney Spears albums!" And that is when I clicked "close tab."

Miles Klee (#3,657)

The dub bridge is just.

AlexBarton87 (#9,353)

I hope I'm not the only one who wonders if Britney asked "Why is the middle part so, umm, grimey?"

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

People still play quarters?

Matt (#26)

They do at the party in Andrew Krucoff's kitchen.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

You don't know "hard-partying bottoms" until you get that email from Aaron Lefkove.

hockeymom (#143)

What years encompass Madonna's "vapid middle period" and what songs came out during this time?
Need more context, so I can figure out if I should be feeling shame or not.

KarenUhOh (#19)

Bravo! "Madonna's vapid middle period" operates on nearly as many levels as "If I said I want your body now/Would you hold it against me?"

hockeymom (#143)

"She had the face of an angel,
Smiling with sin,
The body of Venus.
With arms."

Still the best lyrics ever.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

UhOh: Seen too late!

Slava (#216)


Art Yucko (#1,321)


zidaane (#373)

To not be anywhere close to that Z100 anymore is my solace.

KarenUhOh (#19)

Actually, Britney, you sound like a parakeet, and I need a vaccination now.

Aatom (#74)

I heard this for the first time last night in a gay bar. An adorable young bear cub with full facial hair immediately turned into some sort of 90s backup dancer and started popping and locking all over the center of the room, laughing maniacally the whole time. I had trouble determining if this was some sort of camp display of mockery, or an earnest expression of love for Britney. There's often a fine line between the two in gay circles. Also, when did every gay man in New York grow a beard?

Slava (#216)

He was laughing maniacally?! Was he also, perhaps, asking nonsensical questions?
If so, he might be a crazy murderer :(

deepomega (#1,720)

Everybody ever grew a beard. Even women.

petejayhawk (#1,249)

By cracky.

mrschem (#1,757)

It IS winter.

dado (#102)

My rejoinder composition is "I'd Like to Get Something Straight Between Us."

Niko Bellic (#1,312)

"leaked" yesterday on the Internet

I clearly remember being on the Internet yesterday, and I don't have any recollection of this.

City_Dater (#2,500)

There was something sweet and gooey on my keyboard yesterday, which I am now going to assume was connected to this Britney leaking thing.

The Sorrows of Young Rocco.

I actually think that the "Z100…dot com!" lyric is pretty catchy.

C_Webb (#855)

I have decided that Britney's poisoning of the airwaves is killing the birdies. When I figure out the fishies, I'll let you know.

omitofo (#4,921)

As a huge fan of the Blackout album, it pains me to hear this Jersey Shore-esque vomit-pop. The whole point of Britney was that she was slightly AHEAD of the curve, not behind it.

Though I think the real blame lies with Max Martin paired with Dr Luke (the creator of Ke$ha) on this new single. need to find new pop producers! Max Martin is hitting rock bottom (especially after his blah-inducing new Pink single).

Rod T (#33)

Britney was never ahead, on, or even slightly ahead of the curve. Behind the curve is the rippling wake left behind where Spears has successfully surfed for years. Please don't confuse the two.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

"It makes Madonna's vapid middle period sound like Goethe" is, what kind of language? Wine reviewing language? The Coneheads overheard?

"Madonna's vapid period" is the equivalent of "William F Buckley's smug period" or "That Fred Astaire movie, the one where he dances."

I'm just psyched the word "oubliette" made it in here. We used to have words that were assigned to appear each week in the Observer and I believe Choire got this into The Transom one week?


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