Tuesday, November 16th, 2010

Unemployed English Girl to Wed Soldier from Welfare Family

It was, the English papers say, a "marathon eight-year courtship." But like every marathon of… two people… it had a winner? Yes, that's a metaphor that doesn't hold up. But it does nicely reflect the idea of monogamy as constantly besieged—and also the idea of marriage being a prize, won by the woman. Because men just hate it, and have to be tricked into it! Welcome to the most sexist day on the planet earth in some time! In any event, today a girl, Kate Middleton, becomes an English princess; her "prize," a lifetime of agonizing social events. Also Prince William's rapidly declining looks (sorry!) and oodles of cash.

The Daily Mail has the most extensive chronology of the relationship's history. How desperate have the tabloids been for a scandal? Extremely desperate.

This is about all they've got: "But it was during William's Sandhurst passing-out parade that Miss Middleton's mother, Carole came under fire. Mrs Middleton, whose former career as an airline stewardess earned her the sniffy nickname 'Doors To Manual', was highly criticised for chewing what turned out to be nicotine gum during the formal ceremony."

Oh Carole, truly you are the greatest thing about this engagement. Most recently, Carole has been spotted "on the Dukan Diet (some days, it emerged, lunching on nothing more than prawns and cottage cheese)."

In any event, welcome to the best Internet comment ever, from here: "Her parents can't be overly happy. She has been largely unemployed since she left school and is now marrying someone who has been on welfare most of his life. With the new government's promise to cut housing benefit and force those who repeatedly turn down work into manual labour I do worry for them."

And here's London's mayor, Boris Johnson: "In a weird way, it cheers everyone up." Weird indeed. A brief pause in glassings is expected to continue throughout the evening in London.

40 Comments / Post A Comment

carpetblogger (#306)

Am I dense? I don't understand "doors to manual"

It's English and, therefore, makes little sense.

brianvan (#149)

Look it up on Urban Dictionary

**eyes pop**

carpetblogger (#306)

OK is there some other urban dictionary? Cause I just looked it up and it said undefined….

MollyculeTheory (#4,519)

I'm going to pretend it means something about giving handjobs in a carpark.

gregorg (#30)

it makes about as much sense as "too common for the Windsors."

carpetblogger (#306)

An actual British person explained this: it is not nasty. It just suggests that not only did Carole work, she worked as a flight attendant.

sigerson (#179)

Yes, as in "something working people say that is very boring and mundane." It's the kind of insult that English twats think (a) nobody else understands and (b) is so very funny.

barnhouse (#1,326)

It's true, he's slowly turning into his dad, yeeks.

Vulpes (#946)

He still looks better than his father, aunt, and uncles, but, yeah, those Windsor genes have really come to the fore. Actually, though, I think if he'd just stop trying to cover up the balding (which he's said to be very self-conscious about) and got a decent hair style, he'd look much better.

scroll_lock (#4,122)

An ironic combover would be great. He could also stand to file those Windsor bucky beavers down a tad.

keisertroll (#1,117)


dado (#102)

I still think she looks like Koo Stark.

City_Dater (#2,500)

She does! Now THAT would have been a "pass the popcorn" royal marriage for the ages.

BadUncle (#153)

But wait – there's more for you, Kate Middleton. After eventually being sacked for someone younger, you can dorm with other remaindered royals: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kensington_Palace

scroll_lock (#4,122)

Princess Pushy, aka Princess Michael of Kent will goose step you to your dorm room. Papers, please.

BadUncle (#153)

and don't let her take your red stapler.

Garland Grey (#4,440)

Are they inside a cat carrier?

zidaane (#373)

He looks parched. They may be stuck in customs.

scroll_lock (#4,122)

Harry has yet to sign on for his first of five marriages to wildly inappropriate skanks. The Queen's head will detach from her spine and rotate at a blinding speed should he marry that Chelsy mess.

LondonLee (#922)

You know I'd never even heard of this Chelsea bird until this morning and I'm English.

You care more than I do!

LondonLee (#922)

Is it "Chelsy"? See, I didn't even know how to spell it.

scroll_lock (#4,122)

I know, I know. I have a pathetic fascination with the royal family for which I blame my mother, who incidentally used to look a lot like the Queen.

C_Webb (#855)

@London: Apparently she doesn't know how to spell it, either.

XLR (#10,155)

Her father is an extremely good friend of Robert Mugabe.
While most white farmer got kicked out Chelsys father Charles Davy, Nicholas van Hoogstraten and Billy Rautenbach managed to keep or increase the size of their properties by cosying up to the deranged mass murderer and his henchmen.

forrealz (#1,530)

I love Harry.

scroll_lock (#4,122)

As an engagement gift, Camilla immediately offered up her daughter as William's mistress.

keisertroll (#1,117)

And Harry offered his Nazi costume for William's wedding outfit.

eatbigsea (#1,361)

It refers to her scandalous past having had an actual job (as a flight attendant). You know, "Cabin crew, doors to manual and cross-check."

mrschem (#1,757)

Seriously, the best headlines are always here, at the Awl.

David (#192)

The news we will be reading:

"Chelsy Davy is vowing she won’t marry into the Royal Family – because she wants a “proper” career. The party-loving heiress, 24, told pals she loves Prince Harry, but the thought of being a princess fills her with dread."

"Chelsy Davy gives up burgers — and drops a dress size. Chelsy Davy has cut out junk food and lost 5lb, dropping a dress size. She shares boyfriend Prince Harry’s penchant for McDonalds, but has quit burgers in a bid to lose weight.

A friend says: ‘Chelsy is happy with her body but she hated the area around her chin and wanted to look less jowly. She went on a healthy eating regime and is surprised how much weight she has lost. She’s also working out and cutting down on her partying.’"

Oh right, Harry is the brother. Well, at least there will be more news about what's going on in Mauritius.

They're registered at i-tunes!

C_Webb (#855)

Is there a rule about how many Kings can be lined up on the runway before the Queen has to pass the crown along?

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

Val Kilmer is marrying Marcia Brady?

sigerson (#179)

Every time I see or hear about the "royal family", I just want a warm machine gun and a brick wall.

scrooge (#2,697)

@sig, I think you should consider therapy.

Jorge Adot (#5,719)

You know, when you compare William and his father, you think, most definitely his fathers son. but when you compare harry, it's like, was Lady Di fucking the milkman? They look nothing alike. I demand a paternity test.

scrooge (#2,697)

The funny thing is, Harry looks exactly like the man Princess Di was seeing while Charles was off bonking Camilla. I forget his name, but the resemblance is startling.

Jade Farmer (#8,687)

His Name was James Hewitt. A DNA test was done, Harry is Charles'. The red hair is from Di's side (her brother is also a red head)

garge (#736)

I didn't realize how hard it would be to see Diana's sapphire engagement ring on a finger that was not mine :|

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