Secession and the City: Let's Get Out of This State!

If it weren't for slavery, New York City wouldn't be in the mess we're in today—that is to say, the mess of New York State. After a detour during the mid-late 1700s, when the country's founding fathers were drafting the United States Constitution in the sweltering provisional capital of Philadelphia, Alexander Hamilton lobbied fiercely for his second home, New York City, to become the official capital of the new union. Had compromises not been necessary to satisfy the slave states—namely, a capital a little closer to home—New York City could be a federal district today. And maybe it should be anyway.

The independence of New York City is as old as the Constitution, but it's still never gained the traction needed to pry a city away from the grip of a state government. Measures have been introduced every so often throughout the city's history; most recently, Queens City councilmember Peter Vallone, Jr. has offered up bills twice with the aim of creating an autonomous city-state for the country's largest metropolis. The issue: that (according to our Mayor) the city gives the state $11 billion dollars more in taxes than it receives back in services and government aid. Smokers know this better than anyone; the most recent tax hike—which brought cigarettes up to a national high of around $13 a pack—was pushed through in Albany to close a budget gap. In a state of roughly 20 million, a voting block of 8 million is more than considerable. In fact, if the state government wasn't consistently deadlocked and ineffectual, New York City could control the entire state by sheer magnitude of representation and economic influence. Staten Island has tried itself to secede—from the city, though, not the state—as recently as 1993, when a referendum was introduced on whether the borough should become its own chartered city. New Yorkers, as a rule, don't think much of Staten Island (if they think of it at all), and it's not likely that many would mind it leaving the city. While there's a similar animus between Upstate New York and New York City, the state can't be as blithe about our leaving because we'll take our tax dollars with us when we go.

But to be the 51st state or the 2nd federal district? If we were to take Long Island's Nassau and Suffolk counties with us (they pay roughly $8 billion in taxes and receive $5 billion back, a deal New York City would love to have), the population of whatever-we're-going-to-call-this-thing would be just over 11 million, making the city-state the 8th largest state in the union, just barely behind (and probably not for very long) Ohio. As a federal district, New York City would, like Washington, D.C., be represented by a non-voting delegate in the House of Representatives and have no representation in the Senate, which is a shame since—as a federal district—Congress controls Washington, D.C.'s government. So forget being a federal district, unless some deal can be worked out where New York City gets the same proportional representation as anywhere else (that isn't Washington, D.C.).

So: the Gotham State. New York City would no longer be so nice they named it twice, since if upstate were to agree to the secession of the city from the state, there's no way in hell they'd let us keep the state's name in the divorce. However, proposals have been floated in recent years with the hopes of allowing the westernmost parts of New York to secede from the state, creating a West New York ("New Canada" might be more appropriate) free from the influence of Albany and New York City. But hey, we don't want to be associated with Albany either! Inevitably, the secession of the city would give rise to more secessionist sentiment in Western New York, leaving Albany forever isolated from the state's two largest cities: New York City and… Buffalo.

It's in Albany's economic and political interests to keep New York City happy, then, so why the hell don't they?

In the wake of the mid-term elections, one thing is clear: as New York City goes, so does the governorship. Cuomo gave his winning speech from Midtown, while Carl Paladino gave his concession speech from his stomping grounds, Buffalo. And this CBS News graph gives a pretty stark picture of the way New York state votes.

Our new West New York would be a stronghold for Republicans, while the new New York state would be the newest battleground state. You know what's fine about that? Everything. New York City is, as one would expect, completely blue. We love our gays and our liberals and our pot-smoking landlords and sociopathic homeless people. They matter to us. And did you notice Staten Island? (Us either!) Red as the day is long. So we'll give them back to New Jersey, which their landmass is nearly caressing anyway, and say goodbye to the Goethals Bridge and its daily tolls. We can work out profit-sharing for the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge (we built it; we'll take it and the tolls, thank you very much), and we'll say goodbye to the only part of New York City you can't get to by train.

But what about Long Island? Lower Queens is clearly in the red, but you know what? It's Queens. We don't need to see ID in this case. You're coming with us. Nassau and Suffolk? They've hated Albany as long and almost as hard as the city has. Plus, what are we going to do, rip up the Long Island Railroad and take that with us?

As far as the mainland goes, well, Yankee Stadium is in the Bronx, so we're keeping that. We might as well keep Yonkers, Rockland, and Westchester, because, well, most of our rich CEOs live in Westchester (and Bucks County, PA, but who wants to annex that?) so we can still reap the appropriate state income taxes. New York state might want to keep our new state's northernmost counties for the Hudson River real estate, but really, so will West New York, and really, fuck them both. They should be happy to get our run-off.

So here are your three brand-new states, born in frustration and awash in brand-new problems.

To you new West New Yorkers: enjoy freedom from the grabby hands of New York City and Albany, and hello to, well, whatever it is red states want. And enjoy Niagara Falls! (The Canadian side looks better anyway.)

To you new East New Yorkers (we hope): enjoy missing out on big city kickbacks and having to figure out new ways to avoid kowtowing to the urban libertines downstate. Now Albany is your big city! Good luck with that!

And to the new old New Yorkers (we hope; if not, to the new Gothamites): enjoy packs of cigarettes that don't require loans, a city-run MTA (did we mention that the City of New York will be absorbing our "public benefit corporations"? Oops! Well, you already signed the papers), city taxes that are your state taxes, and in all likelihood, legalized possession of marijuana, state-wide recognition of gay marriage, and bars that are open all goddamn night. Our state flag will be the front of a pack of Parliament Lights, our state anthem will sound an awful lot like Cee Lo, and our state bird will be the middle finger. And the next time this mercurial little country of ours swings suddenly from the left to the right, we'll still be anchored in the same place we've always been.

Patrick Hipp writes about New York City for a living and is finishing the novel he started during National Novel Writing Month 2007.