Report: Asses Expanding

Good morning. An investigation of 18,000 British asses has revealed some shocking new details that are absolutely rocking the field of Female Ass Studies: Evolution has resulted in a "plumper, rounder and [more] squishy to the touch" ass in almost half of the asses surveyed. These enhanced asses—known in the technical jargon as "tomatoes," due to their resemblance to the fruit of the same name—offer scientific proof that "the effects of plentiful attractive food have taken their toll and spherical derrieres have given way to the tomato and the more unfortunate potato rear," notes ass authority Dr David Holmes, of Manchester Metropolitan University. While the majority of women are afflicted with these distressing ass conditions—and only 1 in 10 has managed to retain the coveted "necatrine" ass, the characteristics of which experts have diagnosed as the "cartoonesque perfection of two bowling balls pushed together"—there is still hope; absolutely coincidental to this landmark study, which appeared as news in a major British paper, retail chain Asda is "launching a range of 'Wonderbum' dresses designed to enhance and cover each modern bottom shape." Wrap those tomatoes tight, ladies!