What Will Happen After The Election

You have seen this, or something similar, throughout the last week and will continue to see variations for another couple months at least:

With conventional wisdom congealing around the idea that Democrats are likely to lose the House and narrowly hold on to their majority in the Senate, there are already plenty of people talking about what the election results a week from today might mean for President Barack Obama’s 2012 re-election race.

The most common analysis emerging from this chatter is that the election is nothing but bad news for Obama — a rejection of the agenda he pushed over the last two years and a spark of encouragement for the men (and woman?) who are preparing to run against him on the Republican side.

But, a new Pew poll suggests that there is danger in reading too much about 2012 into next week’s results.

So much conventional wisdom! So much repudiation of the conventional wisdom! So much repudiation of the conventional wisdom BECOMING the conventional wisdom! It’s tiresome, no? I read a ton of political blogs, and this is pretty much the takeaway from all of them. I’m here to tell you that while perhaps there is something to this analysis, there is one other highly likely scenario that risk-averse pundits are ignoring so that they huddle safely in the comfort of the Lamestream Media-approved narrative. But what is it?

Republicans will re-take the House and just barely miss taking the Senate. They will announce that unless the President agrees to the repeal of the health care bill they will prevent any other legislation moving forward, and will block the consideration of all nominees requiring Congressional approval.

President Obama, delivering his first State of the Union address with John Boehner seated behind him, will lower his head and announce his disappointment over the opposition party’s unwillingness to make any serious efforts to help heal the country in this time of national crisis. Then, staring at the ceiling, he will transform into a beam of pure energy, all light and fire, and soar through the Capitol roof. The message left on his teleprompter will read “UNLESS.”

Seeking to take advantage of this bizarre and unprecedented event, the House will immediately begin impeachment proceedings against newly-installed President Joe Biden on the grounds that his hair plugs constitute high crimes and that in any event the founders never intended anyone from Delaware to hold the highest office in the land. Biden’s Senate trial will result in his being removed from office after Chief Justice John Roberts, the presiding officer, rules that corporations should also be allowed a vote in the matter. John Boehner, following the rules of succession, will be sworn in as President of the United States. His nominee for Vice President, Wal-Mart, will be swiftly approved, although there will be confusion over how it will be able to fit into its alloted space in the West Wing.

The economy will continue to stagger, leading to rising anger among independents and Democrats, although President Boehner will retain the support of Tea Party groups, who, when asked to reconcile their positive feelings about the new administration even in the face of growing deficits, will respond, “Oh, we were never really serious about that. It was the black guy thing, actually. Jeez, we thought that was pretty obvious.” Disappointed liberals, meanwhile, will attempt to form a counter-movement, but give up as soon as Steve Jobs unveils a new edition of the iPad, which will keep them busy for the next couple of years as they talk to each other about all the amazing features.

After audiotape emerges of President Boehner referring to Sarah Palin, host of the number one-rated Fox program “America’s Most Hottest,” as “dumber than a pack of Camel Lights” and claiming that “my tan is brighter than she is,” the former Alaska governor will threaten a primary challenge against the incumbent, “unless me and each memeber of my family gets $40 million dollars tax free, plus clothing expenses.” Seeking to avoid a divisive campaign, the Chamber of Commerce will solicit the full amount from anonymous Chinese donors, leaving the Republican nomination in Boehner’s nicotine-stained hands.

Amid a chaotic Democratic National Convention in Minneapolis, Hillary Clinton will be on the verge of accepting her party’s nomination when suddenly a beam of pure energy, all light and fire, will soar through the hall. A shining Barack Obama will emerge at the podium and deliver the following speech:

Good evening. I have spent much of the last year and a half journeying through the cosmos, visiting other civilizations so vastly different from ours that you could scarcely comprehend their existence. I have seen things that I cannot even convey to you, so unfathomable are their mysteries. I have made this journey with one purpose in mind: to save the United States of America and all that she stands for.

As I look at you all tonight, I regret to tell you that it is an impossible task. Left to your own devices you will continue to grow larger and dumber until you are easy targets for the mutant animals created by your toxic stew of chemical spills. Those of you who are not eaten will sweat to death or drown in tsunamis in previously landlocked areas. But with proper guidance, perhaps there is a chance to change course. Unless—

At that very moment the celestial Obama’s attention will be distracted by a shiny new iPad in the front row, and he will step down from the podium to play around with it. A couple of months later a small boy in Montana will accidentally set a fire that burns the whole country to the ground, and the world’s greatest hope for democracy will return to ash.



The other possibility is that the employment slowly picks up, Republicans overplay their hand, and Obama gets re-elected based on the fact that voters pretty much only care about the economy. But I think we’d be wise to pay attention to the “beam of light” scenario. I know history doesn’t repeat exactly, but this is pretty close to how it played out for Harry Truman back in ’48.