Wednesday, October 27th, 2010

This Is My Year To Finally Poison Some Children

I've made it well-known that I'm not a huge fan of children. So now that parents have been lulled by science and journalism into finally believing that "there has never been a single case of any child being killed by a stranger's Halloween candy," I'm finally going to strike.

It's not like I want to kidnap them, and keep them in my basement. (I don't have a basement. Basements are for rich people and perverts.) Don't go crazy: I just don't like children. I'm not interested in molesting them, or anything gross and horrible like that. That's terrible! After all, I don't enjoy looking at them, much less touching them.

I'm not even willing to get in league with those other people this Halloween. The kiddy fiddlers, and the rest of them. Even though I know they've too been waiting for this moment of parental incaution—one we thought would take years more to arrive, what with the helicoptering of parents! Sure, I know you'd think we'd all be on the same team. But it doesn't work like that.

Of course, I'm not interested in killing anyone's children with poison. I mean, tops, I was sort of thinking just a mild tummy ache. Or! I could make some fake Skittles, that have the reverse flavor-to-color ratio. Like, you eat a yellow one, but it tastes blue.

Or maybe, maybe I could make candy mangoes, and tell the kids they're candy apples, and then when they eat them, BAM. Surprise mango taste!

You know, just like when you think you're about to drink milk, but it's orange juice, and you're all confused.

Killing them, sheesh! That's not only really mean, it's actually really shortsighted. If you think about it, we child-hating gay people need straight people to keep having children. It's how we get more gays, for starters. (And given the death rate of gays, we need you to have a lot of them. It's like with turtles.)

Apart from that, we know that straight people do a lot for us. Who will work at the DMV? Who will run the music magazines? Who will sell weed? Who will work at Walmart and Sam's Club and pick up the garbage?

That's what you're raising your children to do, and honestly, me and the rest of the people who plan on preying on children this Halloween are appreciative! It's an important job, and none of us can really knock it.

I bet it's a lot of work too. You must be beat. Real tired. Tired enough to finally let your guard down on Sunday night. I'll be the friendly neighbor at the front door, with the big bowl of junior Butterfingers. Except inside the wrappers will actually be butter.

61 Comments / Post A Comment

KarenUhOh (#19)

A modestly sweet proposal.

deepomega (#1,720)

Also fingers.

kneetoe (#1,881)

Ok I've posted this on Park Slope Parents, so the kids are sufficiently worried over again. Shew!

Multiphasic (#411)

So you intend to put a Mach 5 cartridge in their apples?

Matt (#26)

Having basements: For the rich. Having someone do your laundry: For everyone. Just keeping score.

Yes, I'm a pervert (i.e., not rich w/basement).

I keep TELLING you straight people that it costs next to nothing in the grand scheme of things to have someone do your laundry! You have to do a total value analysis. It's inexplicable to me that YOU PEOPLE (yes I did go there) don't see that your own labor costs clearly are more valuable than the cost of someone else doing your laundry.


Yeah but I don't like the idea a stranger going through my frilly underthings. (Note my underthings are not actually frilly. That would probably be uncomfortable.)

Choire is right. Doing your own laundry is like turning off your plumbing and hauling buckets from the river in order to save on your water bill. Also labor theory of value – but this time you win!

Harry Cheadle (#6,316)

That assumes that you have something valuable to do with your time other than sitting and reading in the laundromat (or simply staring, hypnotized, at the clothes spinning in the dryer). My gay friend always pays someone to do his laundry, so I'm adding "homosexuals don't do laundry" to my list of stereotypes I secretly believe are true. (Another one: Scottish people beat their children.)

garge (#736)

I still go through the Caroline in the City Get out!!/ I\'m out!! exchange with myself in my head every time we talk about this laundry thing. Cannot get over it!

Now that I've escaped the need to visit extra-building laundromats, I find doing laundry somewhat therapeutic–like a forced "brain-off" break in which the only thing to do is fold t-shirts, match socks, and watch TV.

propertius (#361)

Our laundromat is like a casino. You put in your coins, and if you win, clean/dry items come out.

Bittersweet (#765)

If you've got your own washer and dryer (in the basement, of course), it takes all of 2 min. to throw clothes in, add soap and hit the 'on' button. Then you fold clothes while watching TV. So we're not talking hours of slave labor here…

BadUncle (#153)

In NYC, few of us have our W/Ds. So I'm completely on Team Choire here. Which is to say, a frequenter of the fluff-and-fold (not a frequent fluffer).

Bittersweet (#765)

Oh, if I lived in NYC with no washer/dryer, I'd get my laundry done all the time. Laundromats have nothing on bakeries. Or bars.

Can you keep my kiddies at your door a little longer than usual? Because I'm drinking from a flask out there on the sidewalk.

BadUncle (#153)

See, that's why on Halloween, I give out airline bottles of booze and office supplies to anyone ringing my doorbell.

cherrispryte (#444)



petejayhawk (#1,249)

Yeah right, like a real American would let their kids trick-or-treat at a Gay's house. You might try to convert them to your Hollywood Gay Liberal Agenda or something.

keisertroll (#1,117)

I used to trick or treat at a Gay's house. All I got were VHS copies of "A Star Is Born".

zidaane (#373)

"Mom, this Affy Tapple tastes like shit?"

I am just glad my building is opt-in for Halloween. If you welcome trick-or-treaters, you sign up with security and get a special sign for your door, and if you don't have one, no one bothers you.

Is the special sign just an 8.5" x 11" penis photo? That's universal for "don't bother me."

kneetoe (#1,881)

Unless you sext the photo, after which you'll be knee deep in the ladies.

@Captain: So THAT'S how Farve miscalculated.

MollyculeTheory (#4,519)

"There're needle holes in the wrappers of these Three Musketeers. Are you trying to kill my child?"

"Uuugh, I was just infusing them with cardamom."

roboloki (#1,724)

i just give out cigarettes. when times are tight i'll just give the kiddies a pinch of tobacco and a rolling paper.

refractor (#3,009)

Hey, big spender!

barnhouse (#1,326)

They're going to be worried about their baby now.

iantenna (#5,160)

the best revenge against children on halloween is stocking up on terrible brands. would you like a chick-o-stick, some circus peanuts, or necco wafers, you little shit?

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

Horehound Drops all the way in 2010.

saythatscool (#101)

pffft! A geigh at home on Halloween? Right…

propertius (#361)
saythatscool (#101)


Neopythia (#353)

I love Halloween, but the vibe I was getting yesterday was that it is a holiday for kids and frat boys/unimaginative straight couples.

HereKitty (#2,713)

Inside the junior Milky Way wrappers: actual milk. Inside the junior Three Musketeers wrappers: actual musketeers. Inside the junior $100,000 Bar wrappers: actual cash. Incidentally, what's your address?

hman (#53)

When I was a kid, my dad wrapped up pennies to give out, but now that your change bowl is gone, I just dunno.

Neopythia (#353)

I originally read that as "penises." And, well, yeah….

MythReindeer (#5,553)

@Neo: At least he used protection.

cuiveen (#370)

I suppose this is better than giving kids candy wrappers filled with weed? I want to say that happened here in the Bay Area two years ago? I really should be writing a new business proposal right now but I also am a gay who does not appreciate the little ankle biters.

Watch out for the candied bacon. It's poison.

HiredGoons (#603)

I live in a basement.

WindowSeat (#180)

You and Mr. Fancy Five Blade Razor up there need to stop flaunting your wealth.

Can I borrow some quarters?

saythatscool (#101)

As we have discussed Goonsy, I'll let you out as soon as you learn how to behave.

HiredGoons (#603)


This was the milk that tasted like orange juice. It was such a Balk headline, and then when I clicked through, it was a Choire post.

Real Balk headline: "This is My Year to Finally Get Drunk with Some Children."

You could also take the opportunity to punish the breeders responsible by arming the wee hellions with torture devices. I recommend whistles and bike horns, as long as they live out of earshot your apartment.

garge (#736)

Just ask each child, 'and what's your address, little one? Is your apartment facing the street, or the alley?'

kneetoe (#1,881)


Sick kids I can handle, but kids with noisemakers? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Finger paint works too.

Does alcohol poisoning count?

Poison, meh. When I was a kid, we had to worry about razor blades in apples.

offthewawl (#8,258)

Hand out liberal literature! Get out the vote 2024! Poison their minds!

GoGoGojira (#2,871)

I am just hoping for bad weather so I can eat the candy myself.

Polly Peachum (#8,145)

Using your literal logic, can I have a Fifth Avenue bar?

Kai Wroe (#247,963)

Quite interesting stuff. Take a look at this: win a mini coope

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