Wednesday, October 27th, 2010

Some Costumes for Women That Are In No Real Way Slutty!

There are some words that should never be combined with “sexy.” “Clownfish,” for example. Yet the “Sexy Clownfish” costume is a hit at the Halloween superstore in my neighborhood. I’d like to meet the creative team that came up with that brilliant idea. Did they just pull words out of a hat and attach them to “sex?” A sexy clown would be terrifying and a sexy fish is… just gross, yet “Sexy Clownfish” gets the green light for production. Some stores market the sexualized fish as a grown-up “Nemo," but in the end it's just slutty get-ups modeled after a character popular with children. Just like provocative Cookie Monsters and sultry Sponge Bobs. But if you are dying to put a mini-skirt on a childhood icon this Halloween, why don’t you try going as one of my favorite idols? Like those four independent women you know so well. They were aspirational, successful women—as well as sexy, spooky and magical.

Oh yes. The four “It Girls” of primetime television in the 1960s were campy, delightfully dark women, and I adored each of them. Samantha Stevens, Morticia Adams, Lily Munster and Jeannie…did Jeannie have a last name? Jeannie, the Genie? Yeah, I dunno.

I remember watching these old shows in my grandmother’s apartment, reveling in these beautiful, supernatural women while I ate macaroni and cheese off of a TV tray. I desperately tried to twitch my nose like Samantha. I dressed up as Morticia Addams three times for Halloween during my childhood. At age seven, I went to a party filled with girls dressed like Disney princesses and kitty cats and there I was, in a skin tight gown made out of some cheap plastic, pretending to speak French in a husky voice. I developed elaborate fantasies involving me as Jeannie getting ready for my long-time-coming wedding to Major Nelson. And Lily, wasn’t she just lovely? I was upset, however, to discover, while watching the feature film Munster, Go Home!, that her skin was actually green and not the translucent skin of black and white television.

Morticia was my absolute favorite. I knew her best from Addams Family Values, a movie that I rented from Blockbuster about forty times. Angelica Huston was so dark and divine. My mother told me that as a child, she had thought Carolyn Jones, the 60’s Morticia, was the most beautiful woman in the whole world. Whatever her incarnation, Morticia was wild and exotic. She may have been a little kooky, but she had a millionaire who adored her, appropriately psychotic children and the financial freedom to pursue all of her passions.

Lily Munster was similar to Morticia, macabre and spooky. She was a little more down to earth and a little plainer than her rival from NBC. She fiercely loved her monster family. Comprised of an idiot Frankenstein, a senile vampire, a wolf-boy and a blonde bobby-soxer, the Munsters were way wackier than the Addams Family. These supernatural comedies both focused on love and acceptance. So what if they lived in haunted mansions? Morticia and Lily were strong matriarchs who defended their families’ right to be weird.

Where Lily and Morticia and all of their peculiarities were adored by their husbands, Sam and Jeannie were outsiders, forced by their men to hide what made them so wonderful. Both shows featured mischievous alter egos for the girls. Each actress donned a brunette wig and became sensual, out-of-control trouble makers. If single Jeannie was supposed to represent the idea of “Free Love,” then her alter ego sister represented the sexual revolution. Brunette Jeannie didn’t wait for Major Nelson to notice or appreciate her, she demanded his attention. Even though the blonde versions weren’t the best role models, they were fun. They acted out what most 60s housewives wished they could have; a little romance, a little adventure, a spell to make the dishes wash themselves.

Reality TV was in its infancy in the 60s, but if it had really been in swing, how wonderful would it be if there were a "Retro Real Housewives"? Samantha could twitch her nose and Lily’s weave would fall out. Morticia would go on a drinking binge after Gomez started lusting after Jeannie. Jeannie would be transformed. Forget Major Nelson, Jeannie would sleep around and her magic would be something truly handy, like a mind-controlled contraceptive. Some episodes would feature the divine Endora, Sam’s witchy mother, for some family drama. Would Morticia and Lily dare risk sun exposure just to brunch at the trendy outdoor café in Sam’s neighborhood? What would the blondies think about that bakery on Mockingbird Lane? Would they be disgusted or would they embrace their dark side and join the goth girls in a toast, drinking the blood of the men who tried to love them?

This Halloween, instead of seeing a bar full of vampires, Lady Gagas, Slutty Paralegals and Whorey Tubes of Chapstick, I’d like to see a few more of my girls out there. Smart, spooky and sassy, these icons of the 1960s are sure to turn a few heads. And if you’re planning to go as Lily Munster, I’d do it this year… before the bound-to-be-awful NBC reboot pilot gets picked up.

Kate Mickere is an actress, writer and sketch comedian living in NYC.

32 Comments / Post A Comment

TroutSavant (#1,990)

I don't know. I think clownfish are sort of sexy. But I'm a gay man so my vote probably doesn't count anyway.

Abe Sauer (#148)
TroutSavant (#1,990)

That is baffling. Unless wait, wait, you get a whole set of sexy candy costumes and a giant candy bowl and when the "kids" (douchy rich guys) demand candy they instead get sexy models dressed as candy? Like an update of the girl popping out of the cake?

Abe Sauer (#148)

Um.. yeah, sure.

C_Webb (#855)

Something "tricks" "treats" something something …

Trout, does someone have to dress as a sexy roll of toilet paper?

La Cieca (#1,110)

Her name was Jeannie Nelson, after she married Major Nelson, obviously. My impression (very vague, from reruns of the first black-and-white season) was that "Jeannie" was a nickname because she had no given name and was simply called "Genie."

Surely no woman has ever dressed as Endora. But every gay man ever born has.

C_Webb (#855)

Erm, I have. It's too damn hard to dress as Samantha; you can twitch your nose til it feckin' falls off, and still no one ever gets it.

City_Dater (#2,500)

I have gone vintage caftan shopping more than once with gay men in search of the perfect Endora outfit. It's a "Passages" Halloween costume: still young enough to want to dress up, too old and baggy to run around in something tight or midriff-baring.

C_Webb just go as Serena; psychedelic mini skirt, white boots and a long brunette wig.

La Cieca (#1,110)

City_Dater's new status message: GONE CAFTAN SHOPPING WITH GAY MEN.

johnpseudonym (#1,452)

I guess Sexy Golden Girls is rather redundant.

Redacted (#2,882)

I did that one in college, the wigs got very sweaty in the bar.

This year I'm reprising Carmen Sandiego. Where in the world will I be?!

C_Webb (#855)

My mom used to wear these awesome jazzed up late 60s nightgowns as formalwear, and they made great Endora costumes in high school/college — we even ended up calling them "Endoras," i.e. "Well, why don't you wear an Endora?"

kneetoe (#1,881)

Not sexy because every time you get close to her she gets all symbiotic with the sea anemone and you get stung (unless, of course, you're also a clown fish, but, lets face it, that just isn't sexy (TroutSavant: please confirm or deny)).

TroutSavant (#1,990)

Haha, I think it\'s the dangerousness that\'s sexy. Well, the danger and the fruity colors. She\'s got a saucy outfit on and she swims seductively but you can\'t get too close or you\'ll get stung. Classic femme fatal. Damn, I\'ve nearly convinced myself to buy this costume.

MollyculeTheory (#4,519)

Symbiosis is hot and all, but I'm thinking of going more in the direction of the parasitic wasp. Couples costume!!

Anarcissie (#3,748)

For me, every day is Halloween.

pepper (#676)

Sexy Oscar the Grouch.

Smitros (#5,315)

Tickled Elmo? [That would also be a great/awful name for a drink.]

What about Emma Peel?!?!?!?

Excellent idea Clarence. Wanna go as John Steed?

Bittersweet (#765)

Emma Peel is my idol. But I could never pull off the pleather catsuit.

Screen Name (#2,416)

My 10 Worst Halloween Costumes (Not in order)

1. The Human Goiter
2. Captain Kangaroo's Zombie Corpse Feasting on Mr. Green Jeans
3. Seeping Bottle of Astroglide
4. Angry Scrotum Kicker
5. Rabid Dan Quayle (Was: Dan Quayle, until I was bitten by rabid squirrel at party)
6. Slobbery Pickle
7. Hairy Batman
8. Hairy Robin
9. Pillow Drool (I thought people would have forgotten about Slobbery Pickle)
10. Itchy and Flaky Guy

mickeyitaliano (#2,202)

The inner slut in women is the juxtapositioned ally of guys who dress up as women (namely, sexy women).

Aatom (#74)

We were in a Ricky's this weekend, and asked one of the employees if they had a Rocky Horror outfit. He just looked at us like we were aliens, as we looked around and saw only a sea of empty slut suits awaiting purchase. Also, apparently this Lady Gaga is really becoming a big hit with the kids!

Christ, it was on fucking GLEE this week, and I saw it in the 80s. Who are these people?

"I remember primetime television well from my childhood. It depicted a world where kids used to get off your lawn quickly when yelled at. Today I have to yell at kids twice to get them off my lawn. How times have changed."

skahammer (#587)

I would just like the record to reflect that I have absolutely zero problems with Whorey Tubes of Chapstick.

laurel (#4,035)

Seeing my mom dressed up as Morticia when I was a kid was kind of a revelation of the 'whoa, my mom is a knockout' variety.

Daniel Sargeant (#7,340)

Log Lady never fails. Also, Daria.

Clip Arthur (#2,024)

Someone make a “Sexy Mustache Rides 5 Cents” t-shirt, please.

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