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Penis Pictures: Do They Really Work?
A reader asks: "Does texting cock shots ever actually work? Like, are there regular dudes who get ladies doing this? Are there ladies who actually welcome it? Because all I would think is that the guy is a total perv (or messing with me, in which case I'd just think he was an asshole). But maybe I'm just a prude?" It's a good question! Also, are there points for style?
I'd imagine it depends a lot on the penis. A particularly noteworthy one might get you in the door – like how Mystery wears his hat. Peacocking.
You'd imagine? Come on, deepomega, are you saying you've never tested this out?
Just mold and hang a replica on the front of your house, as a door-cocker.
I think it's just that Deadspin doesn't report on the successful ones?
Can you get crabs from a Coolpix?
I very much appreciate Balk running with the balls on this one.
Photo retouching service. Always thinkin'.
Drums, try drums, they work when the Sun God sleeps.
I dunno, I think I'd appreciate a 2:30 am peen pic rather than an "R U up?" booty-call text. Just get to the point already.
I just aged 5 years and got 50 new gray hairs reading this comment. Our booty-call messages were sent by carrier pigeon.
Smoke signals, here. Made it really tough when it was dark.
Wow, I feel so proud.
Penises are like hamburgers: impossible to photograph appealingly.
what if you use Hipstamatic?
LIES!
[mental images of using glycerin, glue and cardboard to enhance penis a la food photography]
wait… I thought that was what the fluffer was for.
@garge: This is the exact type of comment that a penis-less person would make.
I got one of these very recently by accident.
The texter sent it to my number instead of the intended recipient.
When I opened the text, I shrieked and dropped my cellphone, had to root around on the floor looking for the pieces of the phone, put the phone back together, figure out a way to delete the image (I was so freaked out that I was deleting everything BUT the offending member) and then I ran to the sink and washed my hands. Once a Catholic, always a Catholic.
Anyway, I called the kid (he sounded like a kid) and yelled at him. He was mortified. Then I lectured him about how he could go to jail for doing that kind of stuff and I think scared him so much with empty threats that he'll probably never sext again. At least for a month.
It was like I was taken over by the Church Lady…so no, it was not a turn-on.
You know you could have just gone the MILF route.
No stray texts but I had pervy neighbor who used to make obscene phone calls to me. I got him arrested and I had to go to court which was pretty satisfying after all the aggravation he caused me.
@hockeymom: I TOLD YOU I WAS SORRY AND NOW YOU GOTTA TELL EVERYONE? THE FUCK?
In the (porno) movie version, you guys hook up.
@ STC, HM Awl in the Family?
You can't go to jail for sending someone a picture of a penis, here in Portland Oregon you can walk around nude for eff's sake.
It better look gorgeous and it better be yours. No baiting and switching.
@kitten: word to your mother.
seconded, heartily.
I have had a ladyperson sext me a picture of her boobs before.
It worked.
Right, but boobs are beautiful. And while penises are lovely appendages in many, many ways, beautiful they are not.
I am, however, quite interested in this "points for style" idea Balk has floated. What are we thinking here, a wee bow tie? (Cute!) Skinny trousers? (Tricky for the girls who go in for girth.) Lagerfeldian starched collars? (Creepy but oddly compelling!)
@petejayhawk: in my experience, even texting the word "boobs" to most biological males would be productive.
Perhaps an ascot knotted around the balls for the 2001-space-odyssey looming wang angle.
In my experience using a dollar calculator to peck out "80085" is productive.
Sharilyn is right. I seriously got kind of turned on just reading it printed out.
Sylvia Plath said penises looked like a turkey neck, gobble gobble.
Emily Post always demurred such gifts unless the sender went to the trouble of manscaping her initials. Presentation is key to getting a foot (or 9 inches) in the door.
It always helps to include a prop such as a dollar bill or beer can to give size perspective.
A yardstick tells no lies.
I have a side business that sells realistic looking dollar bills and coke cans at 3/4 scale; inquire within.
It's worked for me. *shrugs*
What a ridiculous question. No dude gets a lady by simply snapping off a cellphone shot of his cock and texting it to her. That's so lazy. You have to follow up the cock photo text with at least a dozen cock photo faxes, multiple cock letters, FedEx delivery packages of cock photos, a floral arrangement in a special cock vase with accompanying cock photos, a cock-shaped box of tasty cock-shaped candies and cock photos and, as a last resort, a certified signature-required package of cock photos. At least that's my experience.
What a cock-and-bull story.
SN you forgot the notary. Man you'll never get laid.
I just went ahead and set up a facebook account for my cock, and send friend requests to all eligible ladies.
Cock layer tennis. Word.
Don't forget the cock mold to make models of your cock, each one an exact copy of your copied cock.
Cock-o-gram.
@Matt: What the fuck is "Cock layer tennis?" Please let me in on the joke!!
HA HA HA THE JOKER NEVER EXPLAINS THE JOKE HA HA HA
Ok, just got back from notary. (Thanks @kitten_witawip). It took some arm-twisting(!), but I've now been officially notarized. The pain is excruciating.
Someone put up a cock shot on tumblr once, and that's when I clicked 'close tab.'
"once", lol.
Once, this guy went on chat roulette and masturbated.
…
Shoulda gone with "Caroline No."
Shoulda gone with "Hang on to Your Ego."
Don't Talk (Put My Head On Your Shoulder)
@jamboree: Win.
Lady probably not, another dude often yes.
As a fellow gay and I were discussing yesterday, there's an art to cockshots that BF certainly hasn't mastered. Angles, lighting, grips, etc.
There could be a loooottta money in a Robert Mapplethorpe photo-app.
"Grips"
Chortle.
@Art Yucko Cockstamatic?
As another fella into fellas I have to agree.
ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT NICK DENTON WOULD APPROVE OF THIS POST.
PLEASE NOTE all joking aside THIS DOES NOT WORK WITH FEMALES. Unless specifically requested, showing a ladyfriend your junk will inevitably lose you ground. Even when specifically requested, unless your member is the George Clooney of male appendages, probably still not a good idea.
However, if you're referring to women as "females," you probably aren't actually a woman, so…
It all depends on context — a cold-call cock is a sad faux pas that's just going to be laughed at and shown to friends.
I had a friend do this and get that exact reaction. Coincidentally, he was a major Afghan Whigs fan.
I'm permanently banned from Glamour Shots.
I've seen a lot of dicks in my time and I can tell you that, despite very subtle differences, they pretty much all look the same. I'd rather see a dude's chest, personally, because I've already got an idea of what his penis looks like.
Subject: "Missing"
Body: "Have you seen my cock?"
{pic}
No way! Did it work?
Generally no. But I would be willing to consider reconsidering if it's inscribed with a personal message.
Ugh, I'll raise your unsolicited cock shot and tell you about the guys who've mutilated themselves and posted on 4chan. One guy who castrated himself with a power tool wasn't nearly as bad as the guy who sliced open his scrotum and allowed a testicle to hang from the vas deferens.
Isn't technology wonderful?
ugh. If I wanted to know what went on on /b/, I'd go there myself. Keep your sliced scrotums to yousrelf, please.
Jesus. And I thought I "went dark" with that Layne Staley's rotting corpse going unnoticed in his lonely apartment joke.
or yourself, even.
IN /B/, INTERNET FINDZ U
CAN I HAZ A SCRTM BERGER?
It helps if you photograph it next to your Matchbox Ferrari.
"They like my cock generally"
This would have been better linked to the pie picture.
If sending people photos of my penis is a crime then send me to the Electric Chair
So that's the subtext to "Johnny 99," then. Now it makes so much more sense. Thanks.
a dude I dated for a while sent me a picture of his wiener poking through a piece of paper with a face on it – a la Snuffalupagus (sp?). It was funny but it still kind of skeeved me.
Great. I can never look at my Snuffie the same way again.