Monday, October 18th, 2010

If You Lose Your iPhone You Will Have A Baby

The face of the futureFor the latest example of Americans' growing inability manage their own lives without the help of a trendy technological device, let's meet Doug Wilson of Arkansas.

During the day, he tends to carry the iPhone 4 in his hand. Putting it in his pocket would be too risky, he said, because he might miss a photo opportunity — like that crazy "rat tail" hairdo he saw at a fast-food spot recently. ("I was like, 'I've GOT to take a picture of this!'")
And at night, access to this on-all-the-time gizmo is arguably more important than ever. First, there's the dog. Wilson uses his phone's LED camera flash to guide his steps as he takes Lucy, a bichon frise, outside. "I live in Arkansas, so I don't want to step on a snake or anything," he said.
Then there's his wife, Ashlee, whom he accidentally impregnated one evening after forgetting to look at an iPod app that explains the details of the rhythm method.
"That's how we got pregnant," he said, "because I lost my [iPod Touch]."

Yes, you read that right. Americans are so dependent on digital organizers that they can no longer even fuck properly without them. You see that guy on the street with no pants? He's not homeless, he just accidentally deleted the iPhone app that tells him how to dress himself. The Machines won't need to engage in some titanic struggle to take over the world, they will just "forget" to remind us to perform basic life tasks until we all expire like neglected goldfish. I hope there is no "Time To Feed Your Baby" app yet, because hoo boy.

Photo by andrec from Flickr.

24 Comments / Post A Comment

KarenUhOh (#19)

I iPod Touch Myself.

Bittersweet (#765)

I'm sure there's an accessory for that.

desbest (#8,035)


Murgatroid (#2,904)

Oops, I deleted my "Time To Read The Awl" app.

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

In his defense, there are probably a LOT of rat-tails in Arkansas to photograph.

If it's red, go right ahead;
If it's not, spackle the cot.

Damned city slickers.

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

I was so looking forward to lunch. Oh well.

cherrispryte (#444)

1) ewwww
2) not true!

conklin (#364)

I just downloaded How Long Will My Baby Survive in the Backseat of This Closed Car. It doubles as a weather app!

"You have time to run in and get your Caramel Frappucino, get "no-whip" to avoid brain damage to Toddler #2."

Which should we tackle first? The fact that Doug shouldn't be allowed to procreate? Or the fact that he shouldn't be allowed to own an iPhone.

What I want to know is what sort of wife outsources her quasi-effective-in-the-best-of-times birth control to her iPhone-obsessed husband.

(Possibly one who wants to get pregnant, I suppose.)

Yes, Setec, it all reeks of "Oh, honey, I found your iPhone in the toe of one of my shoes! Can't imagine how it got there! Also it says you shouldn't have done sex to me last night. Oooooooooops!!!"

mathnet (#27)

They make you get a license to drive or fish, but any fuckwad can buy an iPhone.

Sara (#8,009)

Or have a kid.

KarenUhOh (#19)

This guy is in deep shit if he's ever forced to operate hands-free.

Pop Socket (#187)

What do they call people who use the rhythm method?


garge (#736)

As a back up to the rhythm method I use my iDiaphragm app. It voids the warranty and may cause UTIs if you have a weak disposition, but totally worth it IMHO.

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

Thought it was called the iUD

erikonymous (#3,231)


Tuna Surprise (#573)

@BoD: You may be onto something. There's probably enough copper in an iPhone to make it work.

bb (#295)

I had a hard time getting past the bichon frise + Arkansas snakes equation.

Elisabeth (#8,011)

Wait, his wife has no responsibility here? I mean, it may be his iPod Touch, but it's her menstrual cycle. I agree with the people upthread who think this might have been an accidental-on-purpose kind of pregnancy.

Cute kid, though.

desbest (#8,035)

A rythmn method iphone application.

iPhones aren't an excuse for contraception ya know?

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