Britons Do Sex To Each Other

Of all the disgusting phenomena in Knifecrime Island, perhaps the filthiest is a fetish so foul it beggars belief that an entire nation could be caught in its gruesome grip. And yet it does indeed exist. When British people aren't busy slashing each other with broken glass you'll find them, I am sorry to say, participating in the nauseating activity known as "dogging."

The idea that anyone would want to watch British people contort their unwashed sausagey bodies together in the act of physical congress rightfully sickens those of us in the civilized world, but on Knifecrime Island they can't get enough of it. These dull-eyed savages, open-mouthed and covered in stab wounds, gather together in parks and fields and actually seem to take some sort of revolting pleasure in observing their equally dim-witted and monstrous countrymen insert various disease-ridden appendages into similarly squalid orifices.

And now someone's told the New York Times about the whole thing.

Sarah Lyall takes us to Surrey, where there's a whole lot of doggin' going on. Particularly in the village of Puttenham, "famous for its ancient church; its friendly pub, the Good Intent; and its proud inclusion in both the Domesday Book" and for being a prime location where the island's troglodytic syphilitics come to see and be seen fucking each other. The details are extremely British.

A stroll through the field the other day unearthed no doggers (it was raining) but revealed much evidence of their existence. Debris – used condoms, things made of rubber, pages torn from pornographic magazines, snack wrappers, discarded tea cups – littered the area. The paths were dotted with black mats that people had conveniently left behind for the next time.

Is there nothing to be done? Sadly, no: "Public sex is a popular – and quasi-legal – activity in Britain, according to the authorities and to the large number of Web sites that promote it. (It is treated as a crime only if someone witnesses it, is offended and is willing to make a formal complaint.)" And unfortunately, the law has made it clear whose side it's on.

Police have been ordered to stop anyone taking in part in illegal outdoor sex being abused or verbally taunted as it can cause them to suffer post traumatic stress.

An extraordinary new Hate Crime Guidance Manual has been handed to officers telling them to arrest anyone suspected of committing a hate crime against those engaged in ‘dogging'.

Although it notes that outdoor sex can have an ‘impact on the quality of life of people using these locations for leisure pursuits' – for example dog walkers and tourists – the rights of those cottaging, cruising or dogging must be taken into account by officers.

This will surely only embolden doggers, who are already insistent on the continuation of their appalling habit. "We shall fuck on the beaches, we shall fuck on the landing grounds, we shall fuck in the fields and in the streets, we shall fuck in the hills; we shall never surrender," said one, before running off to make a cell phone video of a man manually pleasuring a woman with a Galaxy Ripple chocolate bar in the back of a Ford Fiesta.

And so the dogging continues.