Monday, October 4th, 2010
22

America Makes Englishwoman Fat

Gutty says: "I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free (to eat all the pizzas I want). And I won't forget the men who fried that breaded cheese for me. Etc." "The portions of food I was offered were at least twice the size of those I'd been used to in the UK. Next I just didn't move as much in my daily life over there. And finally, the real problem was that, because lots of other people were big, it just didn't bother me that I was getting bigger too."
-Restaurant manager Clare Patten gained approximately 50 pounds during the 8 years she spent in America. The Knifecrime Island native blames our abundant, edible food ("In America I would have pancakes with fried sausages for breakfast, a large cheese panini or a whole pizza for lunch. Then I'd pick all evening on things like fatty dips and parmesan bread before having chicken nuggets and fries for dinner at about 11pm after work. I also drank litres of diet cola. I could easily chow down a whole packet of biscuits in a day and a big pack of M&M's as well.") and lack of mobility for her increase in bulk. Back home in Britain, Clare has regained her former figure by a combination of diet (consuming less food) and exercise (running from people with knives).

22 Comments / Post A Comment

garge (#736)

A whole pizza for lunch? That's progress! I remember when they used to just complain about the existence of bagels and Long John Silvers.

Ronit (#1,557)

Weird, I've lived in America for about 8 years now and I've never had chicken nuggets and fries for dinner, or a whole pizza for lunch.

I have had pop tarts for dinner though.

LondonLee (#922)

Scene: Me ordering a meal in a TGI Friday's soon after moving to the States.

Waitress: That comes with free soup and breadsticks
Me: I'll just have the main course, thanks.
Waitress: But it's free!
Me: But I'm not going to eat it
Waitress: ????

deepomega (#1,720)

Dude, going to TGI Friday's was your first mistake. The only vegetable options they have are fried. Even the salads!

LondonLee (#922)

It was in Florida, options were limited.

I've put on 20 pounds since moving here but I was only 145 at the time so I could have done with some more meat on my bones.

Mindpowered (#948)

Really? I though Seattle was the only place where you could get a salad with more cheese & bacon than lettuce.

SeanP (#4,058)

You can get such a salad anywhere there's an Applebee's… I was on the road a month or so ago and stopped there. The "salad" consisted of a thin layer of lettuce, a sprinkling of tomato, and layers of pre-shredded cheese and bacon, each the same thickness as the lettuce. I didn't eat much of it.

iantenna (#5,160)

yes, because america is the only country with an obesity problem. also, restaurant manager? who ate chicken nuggets and fries for dinner? i'm guessing she ran the wendy's in manteca.

The Straw Hat Pizza is a much better choice.

Jen Simmons (#7,741)

I've lived in America my entire life and rarely eat that shit. But I wonder how much personal responsibility is valued in a country where people hit each other with glassware for kicks. :o

SeaBassTian (#281)

If she moved in with Sweeney Todd, would she start eating meat pies made out of human flesh? Does she not possess a single shred of self-control? When In Rome, shut your pizza pie-hole, Missy!

dr.funke (#336)

She refers to her navel as her "tummy button." Perhaps she has some cognitive delays and/or pica?

KenWheaton (#401)

Whenever I see a Brit, I dash into McD's, order a 20 piece McNugget Value Meal, then hold him down and force-feed the entire thing. To my credit, I do also brush his teeth with fluoride-containing toothpaste afterwards.

ASSIMILATE OR LEAVE!

Mindpowered (#948)

You should finish off by pour Bud Lite down his throat and shooting him.

joeks (#5,805)

Let me see if I understand: She moved here and started eating like a fatass, and subsequently became a fatass. The system works, if you ask me.

What the hell kind of restaurant manager is that sedentary? Did she run a hot dog cart? I lost 20 pounds the first month I worked in a restaurant. And I was already pretty normal-sized.

She was some sort of wine director for a hotel, so it was mainly an office-type job.

Niko Bellic (#1,312)

"Back home in Britain, Clare has regained her former figure"

You mean "British figure", as it's obvious that she doesn't really have her own figure.

refractor (#3,009)

I want to know who can eat like that and gain only seven pounds per year. I've got a glass with her name on it right 'ere.

cherrispryte (#444)

Englishwoman Makes Englishwoman Fat, morelike.

cschack (#1,401)

Look, when you move to a place where the food is actually edible, stuff like this tends to happen.

stuff_is_things (#6,108)

Eh, I can sympathize — my whole adult life has consistent of periods living overseas interspersed with bouts of moving back in with my parents in exurban Florida when I inevitably run out of money. Though I am sure depression, unemployment, friendlessness, my mom's gourmet cooking, and a family attitude towards alcohol in which my casually drinking six or seven beers an evening was fairly routine played contributing roles, there is something about America that always causes me to gain about 50 lbs. in short order. That said, UK graduate-student cuisine has not done much to slim me down again this go-round. (Turkmenistan was great, though: terrible food, lack of transportation, blazing hot summers, freezing cold winters, and constant intestinal disease — the whole country is like Fat Camp! Or a gulag!)

Post a Comment