Monday, September 13th, 2010
20

Your Muffin Top Will Give You Butt Cancer

I am running this gut into the ground. Not unlike my own gut, which swells or sags accordingly depending on how much processed meat I consume in an attempt to settle its ravenous, seething innards. But enough about me! How was your weekend? Did you catch the VMAs? And how great was it to see Peyton Manning's loser face? That gut you've got may be adorable and fun to grab hold of, but it's going to kill you, says Science.

Every extra inch on your waistline raises the odds of bowel cancer even if the rest of your body is trim, doctors have warned. The dangers of a pot belly or 'muffin top' were highlighted by a large-scale review of studies into Britain's second biggest cancer killer. Crucially for the millions battling to contain middle-age spread, it found that you don't need to be overweight for a generous waistline to cause problems.

Even worse, almost everything that's fun to eat, "including bacon, ham, pastrami, salami and hot dogs – significantly raises the chances of bowel cancer" (also known as "colorectal cancer" or "cancer of the ass"). Sometimes life is exactly as unrelentingly awful as you expect it to be.

20 Comments / Post A Comment

keisertroll (#1,117)

And I thought gainer pr0n couldn't get more depressing. Or hotter.

saythatscool (#101)

Is there still an ass cancer risk if I don't actually eat those items? Can I just stuff them up my ass instead?

keisertroll (#1,117)

Risk of Ass Cancer increases infinitely if you're Farrah Fawcett.

Sorry.

saythatscool (#101)

PJ O'Rourke, is that you?

keisertroll (#1,117)

Sadly, for a few years in the 70's, my mom was known as P.J. O'Rourke.

keisertroll (#1,117)

That's not even a joke.

saythatscool (#101)

Somehow, I feel like I already knew that about you, you poor, poor sod.

keisertroll (#1,117)

Sods get pretty poor in their mid-to-late 20s, I'll give you that.

saythatscool (#101)

You know what will raise your spirit? Pastrami.

Here's my plan: From now on, whenever I ever eat bacon, ham, pastrami, salami or hot dogs, I'll just look at the picture you used to illustrate this post. This will immediately induce vomiting. Problem solved!

DoctorDisaster (#1,970)

Ugh, I know. Balk is making it increasingly difficult to pretend the fatties don't exist.

keisertroll (#1,117)

What about that photo of the bear and the skeleton from Look Around YOU?

Art Yucko (#1,321)

There's probably a link between butt cancer and re-using the same photo caption over and over and over again, too!

deepomega (#1,720)

I would never ever describe hot dogs as "fun to eat". Am I doing it wrong?

garge (#736)

God, the only thing worse than just having cancer is having cancer that is embarrassing to name.

keisertroll (#1,117)

I pray I never get Alan Ball Disease.

jolie (#16)

This is making me feel really bad about the BBT* I made for myself yesterday morning. [insert sadsie cancer face]

*Bacon, Butter & Tabasco

Other factors associated with increased risk include being married to Katie Couric.

scroll_lock (#4,122)

Excessive perkiness and overdeveloped calves stimulate cancer genes.

synchronia (#3,755)

But I'm just here to dance!

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