Wednesday, September 29th, 2010

Dear Kathleen Parker: Welcome to New York City!


Congrats on moving to our town for your job working with Eliot Spitzer. (Good luck and be careful!) I'm sorry that you think that New York City is Communist China, which is something you literally just wrote in the Washington Post! And I'm sorry you see signs of "government management" of our lives everywhere, which, are you talking about those bossy crosswalks and weird fences on the corners where you can't cross? Because those were all Giuliani. And it is true that you can't get a good mass market donut here. So now that you've LIVED IN NEW YORK CITY now "FOR A FEW WEEKS" and you DON'T LIKE WHAT YOU SEE, maybe you should move to Westchester before you have a chance to figure out what you're talking about, you Non-New Yorkey Beltway Outsider™? Guess what, my friend: you can't get a good Krispy Kreme donut in New York City BECAUSE OF THE FREE MARKET, not because of Mayor Bloomberg's war against trans fats. The last Krispy Kreme franchisee WENT BANKRUPT.

It's fine, ma'am. It's a story we're used to. A person moves to New York City and chafes against the injustice of things they have made up and don't understand! I mean, we hear it from the 23-year-old Ivy grads every day already.

31 Comments / Post A Comment

HiredGoons (#603)

I know.

The idea that it takes some sort of managerial body to make 8million people live comfortably together is laughable.

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

The point is to live uncomfortably and therefore enjoy the freedom to complain about whatever.

KarenUhOh (#19)

I too love open spaces and trees; I abhor rules that legislate every little thing.

I'll celebrate our fealty by driving to Camden SC at 110 mph while drinking a case of Old Milwaukee, and when I get there, by peeing on the camelias in Ms. Parker's backyard.

roboloki (#1,724)

i can get that for you. but i'm not drinking swill.

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

Related: You know who makes good donuts? The Amish. Not Amish Market, which is Turkish, but the Amish Amish.

Screen Name (#2,416)

Parker writes: "City dwellers will never understand the folks who prefer the company of trees, and country folk will always resent the imperious presumptions of urbanites who think they know best."

From NYC Parks & Recreation:
* There are approximately 5.2 million trees growing on public and private property in New York City.
24% of New York City's land area is covered with tree canopy, and street trees comprise one-quarter of this canopy.
* Standing trunk to trunk, our street trees would form a line 118 miles long-the distance from Manhattan to Hartford, CT.
* Spaced 25 feet apart single file, our street trees would stretch over 2,800 miles–all the way to Las Vegas, NV."

As a city dweller I am looking forward to the day we space all the crappy trees in this place 25 feet apart all the way to Las Vegas.

Niko Bellic (#1,312)

The best thing about New York City trees: you can walk all the way up to every none of them without having to park your car in the middle of the road, jump a fence, get chased by a dog, and get shot at by a redneck.

Niko Bellic (#1,312)

…every one of them…

MaryHaines (#3,666)

Quick, somebody ask K-Park whether she thinks the government should have to do anything about the trees in city parks that keep dropping branches on people's heads.

gumplr (#66)

Can't get a decent donut!?

Get thee to Peter Pan's IMMEDIATELY!

forrealz (#1,530)

Yes! Go at once! Get red velvet. Or Bavarian cream filled.

beatrixkiddo1 (#2,988)

She seems not to have registered the part about New York where everyone does whatever the hell they want anyways. Which is basically the point.

MikeBarthel (#1,884)

Yeah, I mean, clearly she's not living in a neighborhood where you can get to know the dealer on your corner, but I'm sure in a few months she'll have seen enough piles of human feces on subway steps to convince her that New Yorkers are not particularly constrained in their actions.

HiredGoons (#603)

Also: wow she looks like an obstetrician.

HiredGoons (#603)


Isn't there some way to blame that on the black President?

Screen Name (#2,416)

No kidding. Do you know how hard it is to drop an air condition on someone when you live out in the country? About the only way you can get them to walk under the unit is to leave a fresh-baked pie outside on the ground below the window.

garge (#736)

Not to, like, backtrace myself obnoxiously, but I saw this nearly happen from only three stories, and my amateur opinion is that she would have been quite dead as a result.

ShanghaiLil (#260)

You could stand on top of a Wal-mart with the air conditioner (bought a bargain-basement prices just moments earlier) and wait for them to pass. As the old song says, "You couldn't have missed 'em/They're a hundred feet wide."

That almost happened to me in Bayside Queens. *shudders at the memory* The Gods were looking out for a brother. You've got to keep your eyes and ears open and LOOK UP in the Fall, as people are moving the A/C.

Fer realsies.

City_Dater (#2,500)

Could everyone in New York City who complains nonstop about how much better life is in their roll-the-sidewalks-up-at-10:00pm hometown please just go the hell back home? I understand you can rent a WHOLE HOUSE there for what you pay here for a studio apartment!

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

The ghost of New York past asks that you please wish carefully.

Kataphraktos (#226)

My mom hates it when I use the word "cunt", but sometimes, you have to disappoint your mother.

Also: Eliot Spitzer? Really? Guess she's gonna be looking to loosen up the prostitution laws. "Loosen up"! Get it? GET IT?!?!?

Matt (#26)

God will you guys stop plugging Millennial Magazine already.

hman (#53)


Niko Bellic (#1,312)

I'm not at all surprised these "country folk" prefer the trees to each other.

DMcK (#5,027)

Good God, what a phony, contrived, talking-points-y pile-a-shit of a column/human. Aw shucks, she used to "live independently, by [her] wits" (*GAG*) until circumstances forced her to surrender her "freedom" in THX-1138-ville. I'll bet she's just as rude to the wait staff as any other city mouse with an inflated sense of privilege.

MaryHaines (#3,666)

She needs to spend more time with Peggy Noonan, who manages to write folksy Real-America pablum about things she sees when she leaves her Upper East Side eyrie to walk the streets of our fair city, and how they Represent What This Country Is Truly All About.

Carnage Hall (#5,633)

"These are completely different orientations toward life in general and the role of government specifically, and I'm not sure the two can be reconciled. City dwellers will never understand the folks who prefer the company of trees, and country folk will always resent the imperious presumptions of urbanites who think they know best."

Except for all those city dwellers with places in the, you know, country.

"But when the lights go out, I'm gonna light that dadgum candle."

I think you mean "That dad-gum durn tootin' rad-blasted mother-smuckin' pig-kissin' daddy-lovin' ding-blasted can-dull. Also: the sheriff is a ni-BONG!"

Carnage Hall (#5,633)

Of course, I suppose we could all live in small towns in South Carolina.

Problem = solved.

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