Tuesday, August 10th, 2010

"Like Eating Fridge Magnets": A Journey To Pop-Tarts World

David Cho: Yes?
MHKC: We had a fascinating evening last night didn't we?
DC: : Stop burying the lede.
MHKC: Ahahahah
DC: Let's talk Pop-Tarts Toaster Pastries.


DC: What is your past history with Pop-Tarts Toaster Pastries?
MHKC: Well, I deliberately never ate Toaster Strudel because i was a Pop-Tarts loyalist
MHKC: I enjoy them immensely.
MHKC: But I did, admittedly, stop eating them with regularity when I graduated college.
DC: What is your favorite flavor?
MHKC: S'mores.
MHKC: Because it is DELiCiOUS
MHKC: That's the thing
MHKC: AND I always eat one toasted
MHKC: And the other cold
DC: That's just weird.
MHKC: AND I think it's excellent for morale that there are two to a packet
MHKC: It's like Twix
MHKC: Another excellent foodstuff
DC: I think the reason that S'more Pop Tarts are the best tasting ones, is because it is the least contrived of all the Pop-Tarts.
MHKC: Contrived is an interesting word.
DC: So like, all the flavors in a S'more Pop-Tart are like, exactly what they should be.
DC: In a grape Pop-Tart or a blueberry Pop-Tart, there's no real grape or blueberry in there.
DC: Or if there is, it's really limited.
MHKC: Exactly.
MHKC: I think it helps that it isn't like some facsimile of a food that exists in life
MHKC: OR they have to stabalize it in some form.
DC: In a S'more Pop-Tart it's like, chocolate, marshmallow, and graham cracker.
DC: That's just straight up what it is.
MHKC: And it's riddled with preservatives and artificialness in its "natural" state.
MHKC: Less variables
DC: And the execution is more on point than it would be even if you were trying to make it at a campfire.
DC: Has anyone ever made a really good S'more at a campfire?
DC: Like, toasting a marshmallow is hard!
MHKC: Well
MHKC: I have
DC: Shut up.
DC: No you haven't.
MHKC: But i don't use pedestrian ingredients
MHKC: I use marshmallows and Petit Ecolier cookies
MHKC: It's unorthodox
MHKC: But it's absolutely retarded tasty
DC: I mean, regardless of the composition.
DC: Toasting a marshmallow is legitimately really hard!
DC: And you have to be really patient.
MHKC: Yes.
MHKC: It's like smoking meat.
MHKC: Low.
MHKC: Slow.
MHKC: Rotation is also key.
MHKC: Oh david
MHKC: How Millennial
DC: Onto the store!
DC: /World!


WHAT WILL MARY HK CHOOSE?DC: So let's talk about the Varietizer!
MHKC: So the Varietizer allows you to create a 12 count box of any flavor you like in packages of two
MHKC: And it looks like a MONDO big vending machine basically
DC: What did you think?
MHKC: I think it's attractive. But then again i would since everything in that store looks like a Trapper Keeper and i enjoy that immensely
DC: The store looks like Lisa Frank threw up everywhere, but in a good way.
MHKC: Absolutely
DC: Focus.
DC: What did you put in your box?
DC: (LOL!)
MHKC: What did i put in my box?
MHKC: Well, we consulted a great many people
MHKC: Asked some hard-hitting questions
MHKC: Really analyzed the flavors
DC: Wait
DC: Sidebar
MHKC: Yes?
DC: Can we talk about how you were grilling the guy who was showing us around?
DC: "What sort of blanks are these shirts on?"
DC: "How did you pick the employees who worked in the store?"
DC: "Etc. etc."
MHKC: Well, I knew it would be our only shot to get some face time with the big guns (the brand manager for Pop-Tarts' parent company)!
MHKC: I wanted to know how deeply involved he was in the process!
MHKC: These details are HUGE for the overall user experience
DC: He answered all your questions!
DC: Kudos to Andy!
MHKC: Oh totally
MHKC: In fact not only did he answer all my questions, he answered them quickly
MHKC: I think he appreciated the chance to flex a little
DC: I took some notes and one of the things i wrote was: "Mary was sort of aggro w this guy"
MHKC: I wasn't aggro at all
MHKC: That's inaccurate!
MHKC: People aren't aggro at PTW
DC: Shrug, i just call it like i see it
MHKC: i wanted some answers
DC: You didn't let yourself go at Pop-Tart World
DC: You were so nervous to let them in.
MHKC: You don't think it's important to know that they're not cutting corners by printing on Hanes beefy tees for their blanks?
DC: All I'm saying is, it's like, you can trust them.
DC: They've never wronged you in the past.
MHKC: No way man
DC: I don't know, I think you just have to be more willing to let them in. Lower the barrier to entry.
MHKC: They're purveyors of deliciousness that I want.
MHKC: I'm immediately suspicious when the power dynamic is not in my favor.
DC: Sure.
DC: Anyways, what did you put in your box!
DC: Just answer the question.
MHKC: Well, I decided right away (after asking Andy about limited-edition offerings) that I'd get an Orange Creme since that's a Quickstrike that is specific to the store opening event.
MHKC: So duh, I got an Orange Creme and an Ice Cream Sandwich, Blueberry MUFFIN (not to be confused with regular Blueberry), S'mores, Brown Sugar Cinnamon FROSTED, and Strawberry Milkshake
MHKC: ALSO, we were instructed to put the orange cremes in the FREEZER which was a nice servicey touch from the Varietizer operator.
MHKC: David
MHKC: What did YOU get?
DC: Stop it.
DC: Grow up.
MHKC: *eyerollz*
MHKC: *flicks Silly Bandz*
DC: So unlike you, I am more into having things that other people can't have.
MHKC: Because you are a fucking hypebeast.
DC: So I made half of my box the LIMITED EDITION Orange Cream ones.
DC: The other three packs I got were: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, Strawberry Milkshake, and Ice Cream Sandwich
DC: That being said, Orange Cream is one of my favorite flavors of all time.
MHKC: Right. And gloating is one of your overall favorite activities of all time.
DC: I would open an Orange Julius franchise on St Marks if I could.
MHKC: That is a million dollar idea
MHKC: But it would be a shitshow
DC: Yeah, I mean, I don't have a Twitter so that I can tell people my hopes and dreams.
DC: It's primarily so that people will know that ME (David Cho) is doing something that YOU (AVERAGE PLEBE) can't do.
DC: And what is that?
DC: Anyways, yeah, so that was my box.

43 Comments / Post A Comment

KarenUhOh (#19)

I am definitootly old school on this whole Pop-Tart situation.

In fact, I have a package of frosted blueberries in my brief case RIGHT NOW that I put in there when they first announced the asteroid was going to hit the earth in 2017. I'm holding it as we speak. I can feel all of its 750 pieces, inside the foil.

So I am READY.

Carnage Hall (#5,633)

I am confused. Does the Meowberry Pop Tart taste like cat?

Mary HK Choi (#1,469)

It tastes like pink smells. But in that generic too sweet to have a taste cotton candy way, not like vagina.

zidaane (#373)

Like an underwear drawer with a pack of bubblicious in it somewhere way?

Carnage Hall (#5,633)

See, I did want to write "pussy."

TroutSavant (#1,990)

Marshmallows and Petit Écolier cookies?!? You are a genius!

Mary HK Choi (#1,469)

DUDE. You can do 70% cacao one side; white chocolate on the other side. IF YOU ARE GAY. The correct response is milk chocolate both sides.

randomnessish (#6,799)

That would def solve the problem of when the hershey's squares are too hard and the graham cracker breaks on top and you have to kind of fight to keep the precious bits falling to the floor of your kitchen where you're making s'mores on your stove top at 2am.

Multiphasic (#411)

HKC, d'ya take requests? Because the Mallowmar v. Pinwheel v. Whippet thing needs to be decon-fucking-structed.

cherrispryte (#444)

I would like to say something, and that thing is TOASTER STRUDEL FOREVER.

garge (#736)

True story: after growing up on Pop-Tarts exclusively, I was seduced by the commercials for toaster strudel and asked my mom for them. I threw it up (have since outgrown the sensitive gag reflex), and it was my first realization that advertising could be a lie.

Redacted (#2,882)

Mine was Looney-Tunes-themed tv dinners. I begged for weeks, and then finally my mom caved and it came out of the microwave and I threw up immediately upon smelling.

DoctorDisaster (#1,970)

This is weird, but Beefy Tees fit me really well. Despite the name, they somehow make my skinny, muscle-free frame look appealing. The only non-beefy t-shirt that has ever come close was made out of recycled plastic bottles.

C_Webb (#855)

See, I personally think that the whole t-shirt thing was a waste, and they should have a machine that lets you design your own Pop-tart.

Mary HK Choi (#1,469)

They have a salad bar situation at the cafe for this. Cho made his with dinosaur sprinkles. No big deal.

C_Webb (#855)

So my italix was wasted. RATS.

"It was like eating fridge magnets…In a good way"

I love Cho and Choi food articles so much. Although, odd to go through the whole thing so enthusiastically and then make us TEMPER OUR EXPECTATIONS :)

Right. TWIST.

deepomega (#1,720)

Before I move on to page too, I'd like to note that the correc Pop Tart is Brown Sugar Cinnamon, Unfrosted. I would eat two for breakfast every saturday from middle school until I graduated high school.

deepomega (#1,720)

Page *TWO jesus christ

alison (#14)

omg YES, Brown Sugar Cinnamon! Along with Captain Crunch Crunchberries, roughly 50% of my diet freshman year of college. It's amazing I still have my teeth.

carpetblogger (#306)

This. I will crave these for days now. Thanks a lot.

barnhouse (#1,326)

They don't taste the same, alas.

petejayhawk (#1,249)

I am way confused.

iantenna (#5,160)

not that i wouldn't eat the shit out of a pop tart at pop tarts world but it is extremely depressing that a glorified amusement park concessions booth is what qualifies as a viable business venture in manhattan these days.

gregorg (#30)

WHEW, such a relief to see there are pages 2 & 3. That scroll bar was descending WAY too fast for this important topic.

Also, you kids and your Pop Tart Worlds. Time was you could only find the chocolate-with-white-filling&frosting, the ur-Cookies&Creme, but NOT Cookies & Creme, at the little grocery store in Tudor City.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

You know what would be cool? If David Chang came up with some sort of Hoisin-Foie-Gras-and-Cornichon-Pickle Pop Tart. I'd jump off a bridge for it.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

-hopefully catching it in midair, as it comes rocketing out of the toaster below.-

C_Webb (#855)

See, this is what I had in mind for the design-your-own thing.

heroofthebeach (#2,280)

Dude, I would read a whole blog of you two talking about pop tarts, like everyday.

The Ice Cream Sandwich flavor really promises more than it can deliver, I prefer Hot Fudge Sundae.

I might be imagining it, but I think they made an awesome Banana Split flavor. If they didn't, they def should.

garge (#736)

It is a shame that Lisa Frank had to cast a pall over this for me, but I am sure half of a hundred billion dollars comforts one in wake of an empire under strife.

sox (#652)

We weren't allowed to eat pop tarts because we had the whole sugar-has-to-be-the-third-ingredient bullshit. But the vending machine at work sells strawberry with frosting for a mere fifty cents, so I've more than made up for lost time.

i really hate frosted pop-tarts.

deepomega (#1,720)

CORRECT. Ugh the frosting is so unsatisfying and yuck.

DoctorDisaster (#1,970)

Barely even deserves to be called frosting. Like the inverse of a Lucky Charms "marshmallow."

heroofthebeach (#2,280)

Why haven't they made Pop Tarts with frosting on both sides (like double stuffed Oreos)? Or just like the frosting bricks without the Pop Tart?

barnhouse (#1,326)

Also the frosting catches fire in the toaster. I know someone who nearly burned his house down with Pop-Tarts frosting, it is like napalm mixed with sugar.

randomnessish (#6,799)

You forgot to mention the Pop Tarts Sushi, which, haha, no. And I think the public needs to know about that travesty.

HonoriaGlossop (#1,247)

This has nothing to do with anything – sorry – but I must share my pain. My office has gone all nazi on us and is now monitoring our internet use – so that means I can no longer mainline this site all day long and I am officially going through withdrawl. Now I will drown my sorrows with a strawberry Pop-Tart outta the machine, and return later, after work, when everything's OVER and STUPID and NO FUN ANYMORE. WAAAAAH

jumpoverit (#6,805)

alright, i'm gonna propose something radical, and you might not 'get it'. i eat my pop tarts EDGES FIRST. break the edges off. eat them. then the center. now i'm not trying to get all evangelical about it, but seriously, it's a brave new horizon that you all need to explore.

hungrybee (#2,091)

I sometimes do this, but only with the unfrosted kind. It's one of my various techniques.

ksalisbury (#6,810)

mmmmmm, sugar-coated toaster pastries. I want to go to there.

as a kid I could never get the pop-tart name right; it always came out as top-part (I must have some kind of verbal dyslexia). "Mommy, I want a top-part!"

Post a Comment