Tuesday, August 17th, 2010

America Is Country of Foreskin!

LOCAL JEWApparently Science is saying that fewer than half of American boys are being circumcised now! This is good news, because, you guys, circumcision is really weird. It's a super-weird thing to do! And the whole "circumcision as HIV prevention" thing is wacko. You know what prevents HIV? Not putting condom-free penises inside things. And… as always, this is bad news too.

Yes, this is sad news of a bygone era. Now, American guys who go traveling in Europe are going to become less sexually favored. No, seriously!

Once upon a time, dear young people-yes, go on! Gather around! Story time!-an American would go to Europe and be beset by lusty Parisians and Swedes who rarely got a chance to spy a circumcised penis.

And that is how sex tourism was born. No, wait, it wasn't, that's something else entirely.

But seriously. Now Americans will show up in London and, I dunno, Gdansk and there'll be nary a frisson of sexual difference. It'll just be one more guy with a penis that looks like pretty much every penis because penises, despite their remarkable diversity, really aren't all that different once you've seen a few dozen of them. (And everyone in Europe has, thanks to the socialism.)

Though-to look on the brighter side again-I guess this means Jews will at long last be popular in Europe.

54 Comments / Post A Comment

Also European guys visiting/living in the United States will have less trouble getting laid because girls won't be freaking out over it being the first time they've ever seen a dick with a turtleneck.

scroll_lock (#4,122)

Now I know why they call those fake turtlenecks "dickies".

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

@scroll I am in awe of you.

ShanghaiLil (#260)

Because European guys visiting in the United States were having trouble getting laid previously?

I think if they've made it as far as having their pants off to reveal their non-circumsized state, they probably aren't having any trouble getting laid.

Lil, this is what they all tell me. Plus one American guy who was very bitter about the decision his hippie parents made and the effect it has had on his romantic life.

metoometoo (#230)

I am not afraid to say that the one time I encountered an uncircumcised penis (college, British dude) I was startled out of my drunken stupor and immediately peaced out. Which turned out to be for the best, anyway.

scroll_lock (#4,122)

@boy: Awe? Awww!

joeks (#5,805)

It always amazes me how we're supposed to be all body-image positive and what not, but when it comes to a penis that hasn't had part of it arbitrarily cut off, OH MY GOD THE HORROR!

joeks (#5,805)

But on the other hand, clits totally gross me out you guys, so thank god for female circumcision.

scroll_lock (#4,122)

If circumcised men want to "regain" their foreskin there should be a product available that is not unlike the beer can koozie. Science should whip out the slide rule and get busy.

Like .. secondary virginity. As if the circumcision didn't count.

DoctorDisaster (#1,970)

I… I think foreskin-restoration surgery actually exists. I dare not look it up.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

-calling Heidi Montag's Doctor to schedule a foreskin-restoration procedure-

oh wait.

doubled277 (#2,783)

I am laughing with you on my way to hell

roboloki (#1,724)

dr. ryan can not take your call at this time. would you like to leave a message?

Bittersweet (#765)

Surely even St. Peter is laughing at Heidi Montag these days, right?

I always figured that turtlenecks for men would be back in fashion one day.

Niko Bellic (#1,312)

I sure hope that the C-section market is still holding up and keeping this country as the bastion of the capitalist views of the human body.

Delta (#1,314)

So as medial associations in countries with socialized medicine (Canada, Australia, UK, for example) recommend against circumcision, the American Academy of Pediatrics is, in the words of a member of its task force on circumcision, "likely to adopt a more encouraging stance than its current neutral position". Does anyone actually find this unexpected?

Evan Hurst (#3,398)

Congratulations on illustrating this piece with a picture of the Local Jew whose Not Foreskin I'd most like to see. Well played.

Hey Choire, thanks for the tip!

Art Yucko (#1,321)

really gets at the trunk of the issue, with some meaty cross-cultural berries for us to chew on.

Annie K. (#3,563)

You guys.

Mindpowered (#948)

Nuts to that.

MikeBarthel (#1,884)

This makes the no-circumcision-for-no-Christmas-trees trade I preemptively made with my Jewish fiancee about our theoretical future (Jewish, I guess?) children seem like a raw deal on my part.

DoctorDisaster (#1,970)


boyofdestiny (#1,243)

Enjoying unsocialized medicine and puritanism, that's what!

DoctorDisaster (#1,970)

Oh, right. I was so busy dreading my confrontation with the job market that I forgot how much I was enjoying those things.

cherrispryte (#444)

I ASK MYSELF THAT QUESTION EVERY DAY. … though presumably for different reasons.

Also, fuck yeah Gdansk!

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

@cherri My brother and dad just recently got back from a trip to Krakow, and said it was a pretty cool place. I'm ready to load up the van with as much Coca Cola and American blue jeans as I can and go lead the bohemian life on the other side of the Iron Curtain. You and the good doctor are free to join.

deepomega (#1,720)

@DrD What you're doing in not-Europe is living somewhere a bit less xenophobic. Take what you can get, holmes.

DoctorDisaster (#1,970)

@deep: I appreciate the sentiment, but I live in Paul fucking Broun's district.

deepomega (#1,720)

Whoops! Yeah, sorry, then mostly what you're doing in not-Europe is WEEPING.

egad (#1,355)

Guess that means he is living in not-Arizona also?

DoctorDisaster (#1,970)

I was born in Tucson! THANKS FOR REMINDING ME.

egad (#1,355)

Oh. Shit. sorry. When humour attacks!

ow that hurt (#3,919)

Oh, dear..the boy is Italian, born in Tucson, lives in Atlanta…?

Can we take up a collection to fly him to Rome for three months?

Maybe six months would be better.. with a job..

Doesn't the Times do these kinds of things, for fine underprivledged
young men? (at the very least, to see a foreskin, something I have never seen..)

DoctorDisaster (#1,970)

I like this suggestion.

Joey Camire (#6,325)

Is it wrong to want my sons peen to look like mine? Avoid a lot of questions when we are peeing on stuff together.

cherrispryte (#444)

Hey, if you want to butcher your kid's genitals without his consent just to avoid some questions, go for it.

Delta (#1,314)

I lived with my father continuously from birth to when I left for college, and never saw his penis at any age. Is this odd?

BoHan (#29)

Yes, the days of walking around Europe with no pants on are fin. Sigh.

As I wrote on that "other" site earlier today…cue strident for/against argument (filled with intimate personal anecdotes about cut/uncut penises people have encountered and requisite comparison to sub-Saharan female genital mutilation) in 3, 2, 1…

This discussion is exactly the same every time it comes up (pardon the pun) on a comment thread. Can we also bring in elective c-sections and breast feeding to make for the trifecta?

DoctorDisaster (#1,970)

In fairness, this is our fault. I was not aware of circumcision's European cachet until Choire mentioned it. He tried to give us a fresh angle!

cherrispryte (#444)

Note: FGM is continent-wide, not merely limited to sub-Saharan Africa. Egypt, for example has a really high rate of FGM (though it's dropping rapidly!)

You may now return to your regularly scheduled circumcision debate.

roboloki (#1,724)

foreskin and prepuce ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new penis, conceived in labia, and dedicated to prostitution that all men are circumcised equal.

LondonLee (#922)

They have Jews in Europe you know, if a gal wanted to find a skinless willy she wouldn't have to wait for an American to wander into the pub.

MinnZ (#3,006)

As a circumsized non-jew I have to say that NO MAN SHOULD EVER BE CIRCUSISED. What. Is. The. Fucking. Reason. Or. Point. I wish I could be uncircumsised. This is a socially acceptable form of mutilation. I WISH I could have a foreskin. Fuck the 70s and 80s. Jesus christ.

MinnZ (#3,006)

And clearly I meant circumcised. Whoops! Too much makers mark and too little grammar. Whoops! (PS. I have to drink because I was sexually mutilated against my choice as an infant).

MinnZ (#3,006)


They have JEWS in EUROPE??

Intactive (#6,973)

@scroll_lock [#4122] "If circumcised men want to "regain" their foreskin there should be a product available…"

There are, lots of them. Just goggle "foreskin restoration". There is a whole community out there of men who can fool their doctors, after gently encouraging their skin to grow back. (It's not stretching, and if it's painful you're not doing it right.) If you think that's weird, think again about taking a knife to a healthy baby's thingo. How weird is THAT?

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