Dear Elders of Zion,
Hello, my name is Joe Bernstein, and I am a young Jew of some promise living in New York City. Through your shadowy networks of information, I am sure you are already aware of me, but I’m just writing to assure you that I would very much like to assume my position of power and influence starting as soon as possible. I found out about this opening through centuries of inherited blood.
Let me first say, congratulations on the superior job you’ve done remaining in the shadows over the past century. You’ve consistently tricked every national government (except Iran, wily Iran) and major media organization into believing that you do not manipulate all major world systems for your profit and other nefarious goals. You are unquestionably the global leader in conspiracy and it goes without saying that the opportunity to learn from my swarthy, bearded masters would be a dream come true.
That said, I’m a little afraid a filing or other clerical error may have resulted in my exclusion from your ingenious scheme. Not to worry. After all, sometimes the things that are right under our hooked noses are the easiest to forget! Just to reiterate, I’m ready and excited to be informed of your clever plan to insert me into your mysterious hegemony over my Christian, Muslim, Buddhist and Hindu neighbors.
Though I’m currently biding my time as a fact-checker, I’ve prepared much of my life to be a schemer, plotter, double-dealer and wire-puller. As a preteen in Hebrew school, I consistently feigned sleep to keep secret from any goy spies just how seriously I was absorbing my indoctrination. Since my bar mitzvah, my proud initiation into your ranks, I’ve made every attempt to avoid temple, so no one might guess the weird depths of my ritualistic devotion. I quickly squandered the gift money on computer games to disguise my telltale miserliness.
To publicly distance myself from your sphere of East Coast chicanery, I chose a university in the American Middle West. While learning to mime the simple ways and non-regional diction of the heartland, I studied English literature, a field so far removed from the promise of fortune or status that no possible suspicion might arise as to the cruel ambition that powers my dark heart. I even found time, in the interest of ingratiating myself into secular society, to trick a gentile into dating me. We’ve been “together” for the past six years. The poor girl still has no idea of the role she plays in my little game!
To dissimulate my tentacular greed, I worked full-time without compensation at a leading liberal magazine that is well-known for their criticisms of unfettered global capitalism, your major recent accomplishment. I hold a masters degree in journalism from one of your favorite institutions, so I have been amply prepared to control the media to your-our-advantage. Now, as a fact-checker, I’ve positioned myself at an ideally pathetic level in the hierarchy that you dominate: who, but who, would suspect the lowly factchecker? Please don’t take my lack of apparent power or authority as anything but the cleverest ruse. To reassure you, I can pass along the contact information of several Jewish intellectuals who would be more than willing to attest to my devious potential.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing back from you and claiming my birthright, at your convenience of course.
Joseph Asher Bernstein
Until recently, Joseph Bernstein lived under a competitive breakdancer.
Photo from Flickr by nicasaurusrex.