The Freelancer Game: "Are You Lunch?"
Do you work at home? Do you blog or write or code or run numbers or something? And then so do you also spend the better part of the hours between 1 and 3:30 p.m. wondering what you are going to put in your mouth next? I sure do. I call it: "Are You Lunch?" I call it that because I usually say it out loud into the refrigerator. It's sort of like "Are You My Mommy?" but it involves eating things that pretty much generally make you feel like crap by 5 p.m. It's not a proud life, but it is existence. Here are the things I have eaten or considered eating so far today. (Please keep in mind that I started the feeding cycle with two donuts.)
Oh, nearly-expired cream cheese, are you lunch??
Raisin Bran, rather anally kept in a Ziploc™ bag, perhaps you are my lunch?
I took a break from figuring out lunch to have some cornichon.
Maltesers, you fine candy, you are a likely lunch suspect!
WHY IS THIS STILL IN THE FRIDGE? I BAKED THIS FOR THE CAT A MONTH AGO. (He had some… stomach issues.)
FOUL CAN OF ENGLISH CUSTARD??? WILL YOU BE MY LUNCH?
And so on. Didn't have any real lunch yet, but I did get a blog post out of it, so there's that.
For me today, the leftover linguine answered the call. On HiLobrow today, we posted a piece that features Maltesers… but there are none in my pantry at present.
Ooh! Indeed you deliciously did!
a chilling cross-section of edibles
also a real freelancer's fridge holds only booze. a friend once opened mine and was like "so, i see you like food."
What do you drink? Lillet*?
*it is a good summer time drink.
A couple of skewered Cornichons du Perigord in a Gin bath would do quite nicely, if you ask me
@99: Absolutely, especially as a vermouth substitute with gin and vodka in a Vesper.
Freelancers unite against shitty lunches!
I Have a herd of cats on strike against 3 week old baked squash I'd like to refer you to.
How did you end up with someone's grandma who lives in Europe's kitchen?
P.S. Today: Cold bratwurst with horseradish. Potato chips. Crackers and homemade spinach dip. Crackers and homemade chicken salad with dates. Cookie.
Bourbon would pull this all together.
"Are You Drink?"
I regularly say this while staring into my liquor cabinet.
I like to do my Withnail impersonation; "BOOZE. I DEMAND to have some BOOOZE" – the cabinet never says no.
Is that a baked gourd? And Cat ingested it, voluntarily or otherwise?
very high in fiber and good for some…stomach issues.
@garge:
Pumpkin and other squashes are excellent digestive aids for cats and dogs who are having…well…poo issues.
I certainly don't know any Cats who would ingest that voluntarily
Mine do–baby food carrot & pumpkin mixed in the usual unidentifiable canned gruel, and the occasional shot of Metamucil, are just the things for the mature kitty who has anxieties in the box.
@Art Yucko:
You hide it in something they will eat. Like tuna. Or cream cheese. There! I just made a suggestion for Cat's lunch, at least.
These pictures fill me with sorrow and the need to clean out my refrigerator.
This is all really helpful information (that I hope I never have to put to use. Sad kitty). I have no idea how I have never heard of this before, practically having being raised by cats.
Oh my God, now we all have a whole new level on which to bond.
But yes: I pulled these squash out of the oven, spooned them into a cat dish, and Cat went NOM NOM NOM on it. It's amazing. STRAIGHT SQUASH PEOPLE.
not my cats. they can sniff out and reject any such trick. (they're basically conditioned to eat dry Iams, on occasion dabbling in raw steak/chicken and melted ice cream. and grass, if they're lucky to be let outside, which gets vomited indoors… i will never understand that habit.)
my cats (and dogs) will eat straight pumpkin. the next phase of intestinal distress involves an oral syringe and pepto. an appreciation of jackson pollock's work is helpful, but not required.
Ooo! Helpful cat people! I have an 18 year old cat with CRF. She simply will not eat the special renal diet and I have tried them all. I feed her the regular because it's more important that she eat than that she eat the special food, but it makes peeing painful for her (and she won't use the box.) She's down to 6 lbs despite my coddling! Please give me your suggestions for how to get her to eat the special renal diet food.
@ roboloki:
My dog happily eats the pumpkin intended to firm up "loose stools" — but only if I pretend I am having some of the pumpkin as well and am very excited about it. Joy over the oral syringe and pepto would be beyond my acting ability. Knock wood we never reach that stage of intenstinal distress.
@HT; first, that you have an 18yo cat speaks volumes for her level of care. often they don't like the rx diets because they're bland and don't taste very good. you can try adding a bit of tuna or salmon juice and heating it in the microwave for a few seconds (you're not trying to heat the food so much as you're trying to make it smell appetizing to trigger her hunger). you can try this with a small amount of canned kitten food too but it has a high fat content so it will get VERY hot very quickly when nuked.
@CD; the pups are a pretty well behaved bunch and usually cooperate. the cats, however, are now medicated only in the garage. it's a rule.
@HT: Mix it with something smelly that she likes (sardines?) and smear a little on her nose. They're obliged to clean it off; sometimes it gets them started.
"A mature kitty who has anxieties in the box."
Never have the episodes of Catherine Tate's run with Dr. Who been summed up so succinctly.
@Carnage – well played.
I face this same issue every day. Today: leftover marinated King Salmon and baked beans. Tomorrow: probably a chili dog (Hebrew National!).
Oh! Thanks to your comment, I remember the baked beans in the back of the cupboard. They are lunch!
I try to bring joy to someone's life, each day. I'm glad today I was successful. Thank you!
Choire, honey, you need to work your in-house job-having friends for luncheon. That is what they are for and what I did when I freelanced (starting in 1993, ending about three years ago).
I'm doing it WRONG.
But with so much charm.
I've gotten in the habit of baking giant dishes of macaroni and cheese and then eating them for three meals a day until they are gone. What it lacks in variety it makes up for in convenience and cheesiness!
A good rice cooker has made my poverty and utter lack of free time ever so much more convenient. Anything becomes a meal! Aaaand, poignantly, Roger Ebert is coming out with a rice cooker cookbook (blog & commenters to book deal!) soon.
I too have been awaiting this rice cooker cookbook from Mr. Ebert. Though I do find it odd that after years of talking about it, he is only coming out with it after he can no longer eat.
You want to feel some real despair, wait'll the stuff in the refrigerator asks YOU that question.
Video of you eating whatever it is you choose or GTFO.
Oh pleasepleaseplease let it be the custard.
Cranberry Sauce II: The Befouled Custarding
@Art: Lettuce view that cinematic caper together.
why, I'd be fucking pickled, Madame Scrollys du Perigord!
I asked the Balk dollie and he suggested that you make a lunch out of garlic scapes and tonic water.
Don't make mock, those are two of my major food groups.
I do the same thing at my office, which involves a fridge sadly full of other people's food. (Answer is always NO.)
my coworker gave me one of her not-quite-expired Haagen-Dazs Strawberry Minis the other day, so this isn't always a no.
Is this post some sort of mathematical test, designed to get figure out the denominator in some, newfangled, attractive-to-useless reader quotient David will sell to advertisers? ["See, Q=1.25! It's not all broke freelancers reading us!"]
You have a future.
if not, it seems, a present.
Are you massive intestinal cramps that will travel South?
is "Balk" really just code for the Chinese restaurant down the block?
Balk's Wok
I believe that the 2 bricks of cream cheese would be a poor choice.
Wow. Choire has spoken to me almost as many times as he has to the gherkins.
Gherkins…best word ever.
I work at work, but 3 cans of Red Bull (in the past 3 hours) > all of this. Who needs food?
Throw in some vodka and now you're talking.
My moment happens at 7PM with, Hi Refrigerator, I'm hoooome! Who's a good refrigerator? you are, you are, that's who! Mmmmmmm, I love your sweet popsicles, wait, where are the popsicles? I thought you had popsicles, how could you do this to me? My heart was set on popsicles. This place is a mess
How do you get the vodka to freeze into popsicle form?
Frozen jello shots on a stick
Eat too many curds and you'll whey too much.
and get cottage cheese ass.
@STC: Must you *constantly* refer to your generous rump? Have you determined a way to sit so that you are somewhat level?
You know you want a break off a piece of this, luvah ;)
You are correct, as I have a fondness for dimples. Even the facial ones.
I stare and stare at the fridge, then usually just open another can of diet coke.
YES. Apathy is the best diet aid EVER.
If you were really committed to being anal, you'd have filled out the bag label with the date and contents. As it is, you're just phoning it in.
"Committed to being anal" is my hedline on Manhunt.
Wood you say it's working for you?
There's a lot of stiff competition. But I'm getting my hands around it.
"Phoning in anal" is mine.
Right after your sack lunch?
@A.R. Chris: Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
Today I had knackwurst between two white buns.
@Scrolly: Why do you think I'm so pissed off about my reception issues?!
WTF? Did you go food shopping at the Duty Free in Heathrow Airport?
I played this game the other night for dinner. I spent a good five minutes debating whether or not to eat the rest of the salsa even though there was visible mold in it although it was only on the side of the jar. The salsa in the bottom still looked good.
Sounds like you need to refer to the Fingerhut catalog for a Salsa-Mold-Removing-Spoon(TM).
@Art: I thought that was a skymall-only item?
after the Ron Popeil infomercials, I thought it'd be everywhere! Walgreens, maybe? Open 24hrs!
The stuff on the bottom is fine, go ahead.
If I ate anything besides pita bread, hummus, granola, and almonds, then I'd play this game too!
You must be from California
Is there maybe a breakfast-focused companion post to be done about eating as many filling things as possible before leaving home, so that lunch can be a bag of Combos? I hope there is.
I take Emily's leftover tofu hot dogs are not an option.
Also, I am trying to come up with a reason why you have that can of custard. Did Denton throw it through your window one night or is it a prop from a gay pride parade costume that went awry?
I love this. It reminds me of one of my most nutritionally bereft lunches, which was also one of the most delicious: Nutella on top of Carr's Table Water Crackers with a dash of sea salt.
FYI, this could also be the Stay at Home Mother Lunch Game if it had more half-eaten pb&j sandwiches in it.