Wednesday, July 28th, 2010
39

New York City, Bursting Burg of Bugs, Hatches Plan to Infest World!

BEDBUGGERYSo maybe this is how it ends for humanity: nibbled to death in your beds. New York City will release a very stern report today about how the bed bug epidemic is going out of control. We're all going to look like our pal Molly in the future! So, we've always said that New York City was a propagator of viruses that then spread throughout the world-mostly we meant intellectual ones, but now we can lay claim to being an incubator and exporter of aggressive, life-ruining insects too. Don't worry. In the year 2400, we'll have achieved a symbiotic melding with the bed bugs; they'll talk to us through our skin and provide us with oxygen in our unbreathable atmosphere, and we'll give them dinner. Turn off your "True Blood," because bed bugs are the only real vampires… for now.

39 Comments / Post A Comment

NicFit (#616)

Hey at least they gave us a day off here at the agency when they had to "spray the building".

keisertroll (#1,117)

I knew I shouldn't have tried the South Bronx Paradise Diet.

Tyler Coates (#451)

I am moving to New York in mid-September without a job or an apartment but I am mostly scared of the bed bugs.

NicFit (#616)

Well, yeah, because you'll be sleeping on people's couches. Ewwww.

HiredGoons (#603)

All of your furniture should be wood, metal, or leather.

Upholstery is the bed-bugs' Manchurian Candidate.

zidaane (#373)

Do not accept any free couches from anyone in a band.

garge (#736)

Actually, believe it or not, wood is also dangerous. They get into the crevices; do not pick up bookcases etc. off the street!

HiredGoons (#603)

Also do not accept sex from anyone in a band.

DoctorDisaster (#1,970)

You have a leather mattress? Kinky.

zidaane (#373)

Tyler, you are going to send Choire a video of yourself in the middle of an intersection throwing your hat up in the air, right?

conklin (#364)

I never thought I'd say this, but I'll take my chances down here with the cottonmouths, thank you.

garge (#736)

GAAAH. The crazy lady who lives across from me thought she had bed bugs so we had to go into full defense mode, creating miniature walls of this food & cat safe anti-bed bug powder (sounded a little too good to be true to me as well) in the hall and along our shared wall, preemptively organizing the apartment into a series of containment receptacles, and doing a.m. body checks.

Turns out, she was just crazy, but it was good practice! Also, Boston has very tenant-friendly bed bug mandates (landlords have to treat adjacent apartments as well as above/below in an outbreak), comparatively-speaking. So there's that.

cherrispryte (#444)

Based on what I know of Boston, isn't assuming "crazy" always the first step when dealing with neighbors?

garge (#736)

It's not like this everywhere??

HiredGoons (#603)

I have been in my apartment for five years, and last week I saw my first cockroach (in my own apartment) BUT IT WAS THE SIZE OF MY FIST.

garge (#736)

So what did you .. do?

Put the fucker on the lease and demand 1/3 of the utilities.

HiredGoons (#603)

I tried to crush it dead, but it scurried up into the heating duct so I laid down traps everywhere, I am checking them in another day or two.

I am very clean, so I'm hoping it just starves to death or goes into my neighbors' house.

Oooh – how very "They're heeeeeere!"

garge (#736)

God, I would have probably tried to put a mixing bowl over it and just stood on top of it until help arrived or I just passed out from my panic attack. And then I'd have thrown out the mixing bowl, and booked a one-way ticket to Newfoundland.

The littler ones are the worst ones. They're the hardest to get rid of. The bigger ones might just get in accidentally.

DoctorDisaster (#1,970)

You pussies wouldn't last five seconds in the South. Ever heard of palmetto bugs? They fly.

HiredGoons (#603)

@garge: Nova Scotia here, but essentially yes.

HiredGoons (#603)

between myself and my rabbit, the only real threat to the 'roach's existence was two frail, brunette, skittish creatures that jump when a book drops and are both convinced everything that moves is going to kill them, so I'm pretty sure he was laughing all the way to the bank.

mrschem (#1,757)

ah yes, FLYING roaches. they love your clothes. I remember a roommate going after one in the bathroom; with a can of AquaNet and a lighter. Her rationale was that she had failed to drown it in the tub. I did not stick around for the finale.

mrschem (#1,757)

Sorry, the moral of that story is-they can swim too.

zabatay (#4,448)

Hey,
It's a palmetto bug, not a cockroach, although for all purposes (having eyes and disgust) it looks the same but bigger. They live outside, are only in the summer (the heat and humidity) but do come for a visit inside every once in a while. Put duct tape on all of your windows and doors.

My fear of bed bugs has so eclipsed that of other pests that when I saw my first cockroach a few weeks ago, I reminisced for a time when they were my biggest worry.

In any case, between searching for palmetto bug pics and finding out centipedes eat bed bugs, this post has thoroughly creeped me out. I need a cute bear post!

I was on the phone with my Dad the first time I saw one scuttle across the floor in my apt in NY – I'd lived there for 2 years without incident. I literally screamed into the phone and maybe cried. My dad thought it was hilarious. I killed it with Jon Stewart's "America" book. I had dreams about cockroaches crawling all over my bed for weeks.
Now that I live in the South, I cope with the FLYING FUCKS Doctor Disaster mentioned on like a weekly basis. It took about a year of frequent screaming and bad dreams, but I found my killer instinct and now laugh maniacally as I ruthlessly murder them. Pro-tip: Raid is a godsend (The ultra-chemically kind. None of this "green" shit).

Oh shoot. @HiredGoons!!!!

untitled HD (#4,555)

My boyfriend's advice (from living in New Orleans): Throw a shoe into the
room you intend to enter, first. (maybe it alerts them to your presence?).

In FL, they just waited for us to come in; as if they were bored, and they wanted to fly at something.

Now, having 2 kittens, they have taken to killing all of them.

(in fact also dragging them in from outside to present them to us, dead).

However, in Mexico, the scorpions are larger, and more lethal, so my
phobia to cockroaches…is dulled…. all you need to do is to
find a scorpion in your bed.. that would be a hospital visit, or 6 hours of intense pain.
I have killed 11 in one year.

But– they are somehow not as creepy as cockroaches.

(Get a kitten.)

Miles Klee (#3,657)

i would, without a moment's hesitation, wish bedbugs on my worst enemy

MollyculeTheory (#4,519)

Can you imagine if Ikea got a Hollister-esque infestation? The postcollegiates would be thrown into utter turmoil!

Serves you right for picking up the BIDBÃœGGEN side table (option of 3 colors, 1 insect).

DMcK (#5,027)

Hmm, I see step 2 of the city's anti-bedbug plan relies on the cooperation of building owners and property managers. Good luck with that!

Niko Bellic (#1,312)

Bomb the bastards.

saythatscool (#101)

Seconded.

That would only drive them further into the walls.

Why can't we just sic The Monkeys and The Machines on them?

We will, but they'll rebel, thus starting the great Man vs Machine vs Monkey vs Bed Bug wars of the 2300s. Man and Bed Bug eventually win but only by becoming symbiotes.

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