Tuesday, July 27th, 2010

Loveless Internet Shrew Attacked

Awl pal Lizzie Skurnick took issue with CBS legal correspondent Andrew Cohen's "heartfelt tribute to the love that got away on the occasion of her wedding to someone else," noting that "publishing, on her wedding day, a rundown that frames the lady's virtues almost entirely by how well she treated you falls somewhere between inconsiderate and catastrophically narcissistic." Cohen's response begins, "I won't embarrass you further (than you've already embarrassed yourself) by responding in public to your shrewish little column," and gets more cringe-worthy from there. You'll enjoy these, I promise.

58 Comments / Post A Comment

oudemia (#177)

Jesus, I just read that unhinged article. But I am a sad New York woman (unlike his ex! who lived there but wasn't "of" there, the angel!), so I am probably just jealous.

City_Dater (#2,500)

Someone ought to tell him that the 40ish bald guy mooing like a sick cow about the younger woman who got sick of his post-divorce bitterness and married someone else is also a quite familiar New York stereotype.

But then, I'm a fellow sad New York woman who wouldn't touch this misogynist with tongs.

@oud, @ CD: This is a horrid meme that has no place in NYC life. At all.

Reminds me of that fellow that Gawker is always taking stabs at. He too is bald and obnoxious and young-gal dating. Michael What's His Name?

scroll_lock (#4,122)

@Books- exactly, that skeevy Michael guy with the child-bearing lips.

Abe Sauer (#148)


garge (#736)

That really is the takeaway pull quote. /DIED

Slava (#216)


Slava (#216)

But then again I call people Angels aaaaaaall the time, whenever they do anything remotely nice for me.

It's from the end of Abraham Lincoln's first inaugural address:

"We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature."

Hopefully Cohen can work "the mystic chords of memory" into his next crazy email.

laurel (#4,035)

I'm sure Lincoln scholars the world over are extra-enjoying their Google alerts today.

mrschem (#1,757)

I think we should fix em up.

Crantastical (#4,127)

This would be SUCH a great comedy in the vein of "You've Got Mail" – aol is even involved.

KarenUhOh (#19)

DARN you.

Backslider (#819)

I'm pretty sure Lizzie prefers to date married men.

delrayser (#319)

Except he DID respond in public! He just instantly regretted it and deleted the tweet, but Lizzie memorialized it: Gee, I can't imagine why this crank has "been dating for almost two decades."

The Internet!

therzo (#1,085)

It's a bit scary to watch this whole thing unfold, with Cohen completely oblivious to the massive internet shitstorm he's kicked up. I feel bad for the guy: he's obviously in a completely whacked-out place emotionally, and he's responded in a manner that could be to his eternal detriment.

Clearly he's unfamiliar with certain facts of the internet (though he's got the navel-gazing and oversharing of internet writing down pat). He sent a crap email to someone WHO HAD JUST REFERENCED posting crap emails on a widely-read blog, and I promise you he never for a second conceived that it might get posted. Dude's in the vortex now; he's going to lash out again, and keep feeding this story.

Or else it's just linkbait.

Jim Demintia (#1,815)

Consequences will never be the same.

skahammer (#587)

Oh, like you keep close tabs on every internet shitstorm you've kicked up.

For instance, I never once saw you return to that Kotaku thread where you claimed that one of the Grand Theft Auto hookers was really Lara Croft. It's still going on!

KarenUhOh (#19)

Nora Ephron will have the screenplay about Lizzie & Andy's courtship done by 9:00 tonight.

mrschem (#1,757)

and a souffle to go with it!

Screen Name (#2,416)

Aha, the the old "Columnist Uses Column Space to Cast Unwanted Pall Over Former Girlfriend's Wedding While Trying to Elicit Sympathy Sex from Unwitting Reader Who Mistakes Narcissistic Column for Sensitivity and Regret" ploy! Always funny when one of these sneaks through. Usually the editors catch that stuff.

Yeah, his next column should just be:

I Never Get Laid and Have Run Out of Things to Write About

skahammer (#587)

Bookie, stay outta my "Ideas" file.

Most people wouldn't even get a warning — but for you I go the extra mile.

This is all contingent on the idea that marriage "completes you" and brings you the ultimate happiness. It's a nice idea–for babies, readers of romance novels, schmucks, etc.–but it's always sad to see someone get old like Cohen has and still be such a parade of doofus.

Crantastical (#4,127)

He already has one failed marriage under his belt yet he still has dreams of retiring on a horse farm? baby, I got over my pony dreams in high school. I'm not surprised to see someone so deeply deluded lash out so violently when confronted.


She did not give in or sell out or become one of those poor women of a certain age in New York who have put their careers ahead of their lives. When we met, she was living in New York but was not of New York; transplanted from the West Coast, she had not allowed herself to be seduced entirely by the City's charms. She took from Manhattan, like so many other beautiful women do, but she never gave to it her heart and soul.

Makes me want to pull the first dishwater blonde chick in a pair of Mephistos and a UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs T-shirt off the street and grind her bones to make my bread.

City_Dater (#2,500)


Yep. Allow me to translate: "Women my own age who find me rude, creepy and unattractive are just heartless jealous careerist bitches. My ex was much younger, new to the city, and slightly dazzled by her own daring in dating an older man, and so did not realize for some time how horrifyingly damaged I am."

C_Webb (#855)

@BookishLookish: I gave to it my liver.

@CityDater: I was going for "NEW YORK WON'T GO OUT WITH ME" but yours is more complete.

oudemia (#177)

@City_Dater: Brava.

You should open a bakery.

The whole UC system is a "public ivy," but that "public" part really sticks in the eastern patrician's craw.

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

Ladies, you're all preemptively forgiven if you dump me for being a self-absorbed cretin. Drop that burden of guilt before you even pick it up!

sox (#652)

Um, did we date last month?

C_Webb (#855)

Cohen's column is the ornate mirror image of the email I received from an ex of mine the day before HE got married: "Welp, leaving the office now to head down the aisle! Wish me luck!" (I am not kidding. And he dumped ME.)

Pre-email, I got a phone message (Hey! Call me!) from a college ex. I called her back and the conversation when approximately like this:

CF: Hey, it was nice to hear from you!
EX: How are you doing?
CF: Not too bad, how about you?
EX: Well, guess what? [pause] I'm getting married next July!
CF: Hey, congratulations!
EX: His name is Bill and he's really great.
CF: That's good, what else have you//
EX: Hey, I gotta get going. See ya later!
CF: Bye.
CF: [bitch]

Were you both at home when this call took place?

@ww: I was in my lonely apartment.(?)

She probably agonized for weeks over how she'd tell you and your poor, certainly crushed soul.

Next she'll be calling to tell you about their new baby. *pours another tumbler of scotch*

@Butterscotch Stalin: Actually, hearing about exes' new babies cheers me up immensely. I'm not sure why.

Oh, wait, it's because I CAN SLEEP WHENEVER I WANT.

A pox on both their columns. What self-involved mindless tripe. They should both go out and get a job.

roboloki (#1,724)

i am mortified that ms. skurnick would engage in a battle of the wits with an unarmed man.

Abe Sauer (#148)

Hey kids, Robolki will be here all weak. TRY THE VEAL!

cherrispryte (#444)

WHY must so many men be so slimy!? I couldn't get through half of his "wedding present" without my skin crawling.

Kevin Knox (#4,475)

I bet he was one of those backrub guys in college.

Using a pretty broad brush there, cherri.

saythatscool (#101)

@cherri: You look like you could use a massage. *takes shirt off*

NinetyNine (#98)

Men write about exes LIKE THIS, etc.

belltolls (#184)

I don't think I have enjoyed a post as much as this in a very long time.

Well, Lizzie dodged a great, big, armor-piercing bullet there.

Annie K. (#3,563)

Lizzie! in the circum-core high velocity winds of a hurricane! where she was born to be! I'm so proud of you.

Heh, when someone like this sad, wretched fellow calls you "shrewish," it's like money in the bank!

scroll_lock (#4,122)

This was excellent and incredibly satisfying. Nothing better than seeing assholes self-implode when they think they're being "DEEP" and having them called out on it.

Lucky girl- excuse me, PROFOUND LOVE OF HIS LIFE- wised up and dumped him and he still thinks she gives a rat's ass what he thinks about it and her! He's such a loser.

skahammer (#587)

Um, then could I convince you just to throw out all the mail you receive next week? Consider it a personal favor to me.

scroll_lock (#4,122)

Hi there!

MaryHaines (#3,666)

I stopped at the end of the Skurnick — reading what she's responding to could only spoil the fun. TEAM SHREW.

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