Tuesday, July 6th, 2010
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How Many Poor American Cities Will Be Underwater in 190 Years?

GOODBYE POOR BROWN PEOPLEIsn't it great how no one really talks about the coming rise in sea levels? It was such a hot topic a few years ago and then we basically had to pull the conversation way back because people in America mostly wanted to argue about whether we are really related to monkeys. Fortunately, we are intentionally raising our children to be stupider, by means of intentionally cutting funds to schools, so as to serve American students ever less-well, so that we can make a large disposable servant-worker class and a smaller educated class. Also it serves someone's interests, clearly, if we can convince a majority of America that evolution is false and there is no such thing as global warming. (Also keeping them unsure which country we declared independence from on July 4.) That way, when they consolidate many of the poor uneducated people in giant poor uneducated metropolises, everyone who lives there will all be surprised in 90 years when they are all homeless or dead because Oakland and New Orleans and Miami are gone. But just remember: "A lot of Oakland is really low ground and the entire San Jose region is hugely threatened. You can kiss Miami and Galveston goodbye, and those low-lying areas around Houston. All the Gulf cities. New Orleans, of course, is among the most endangered. I think by 2200 each of those will be in the throes of being abandoned, if not already abandoned." At least they'll still have Baltimore and Detroit and Gary for a fresh population of workers!

37 Comments / Post A Comment

HiredGoons (#603)

I am going to build a City Upon a Hill.

Stay away from my mobile yurt.

deepomega (#1,720)

More like Aquanas, amiright?

I'll see myself out.

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

Endless Summer Theologica.

keisertroll (#1,117)

I was told from an early age by my 'Ancient Prophecies' watching mom that Southern New Jersey would be underwater by now

Damn false hope.

Just most of Jersey City and Hoboken.

KarenUhOh (#19)

You'll thank me later when you buy this beachfront lot I'm offering in Trenton.

I'm going to stay with my Eloi friends. They look like they have a pretty good thing going.

Does this mean Manhattan will be an archipelego of roof tops? Because that might be cool…

You know, UPSIDE!

HiredGoons (#603)

According to the exhibit at MoMA my neighborhood of Brooklyn will be right on the beach!

#screw all y'all

johnpseudonym (#1,452)

You really think there will be a United States of America in 190 years?

Art Yucko (#1,321)

When we have to "move to" Canada (they're not going to appreciate the "at gunpoint" part) …gonna make geopolitical affiliations very interesting, won't it?

KarenUhOh (#19)

Jesus, then I read the piece. Well, thank God that asteroid's going to hit us in twelve years.

Annie K. (#3,563)

But I think Baltimore's going to go too — it's sea level at the harbor. Maybe Pittsburgh can take up the slack.

hockeymom (#143)

Choire….can you give us something pretty, sparkly and shiny to read? You know, to distract us as Rome burns down outside our windows.

saythatscool (#101)

The Great Primate Wars of 2012 will make this all moot.

I think we went over this before, but how many lemurs do you think you can fight off? 3 tops, I say.

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

Lemurs! So cute. I have a hard enough time with no-see-ums.

saythatscool (#101)

Armed or unarmed?

Unarmed lemurs? At least a half dozen. That's a solid betting number right there, res. You bank on that shit if you lock me in a cage with them because I am going to be money in your legal briefs.

On the other hand, you give those lil bastards some knives and then we go down to like three. Because as my close personal friend, Lorne Greene of Bonanza, used to say: "The thing about those bastards is one distracts, then two attack." I lost most of my peripheral vision in an Albanian handcuff style gauntlet fight against a Macaque in '97 so the knifing lemur's going to be a particularly hard fight for me.

Man I miss Lorne though, God bless his monkey fighting soul.

No way. Six angry Lemurs would rip you apart.

Instinctively, they go for senstive body parts. Think eyes, genitals and mouth. You will have a lemur on each eye, two fish hooking either side of your mouth, one your nuts like they were fresh dates and the last one playing free agent all over.

Yeah, and the guy thinks there could be a "massive inflow" of seawater into the Great Lakes. Not effing likely. Because, you know, physics.

kneetoe (#1,881)

Jefferson, a smart guy, thought the Louisiana purchase would mean America would be a primarily agrarian nation for centuries. He, like everyone else who has ever tried to predict what the world would be like beyond, say, next week, was mistaken.

deepomega (#1,720)

I for one plan to have attached inflatable bags to the bottoms of all American cities by 2050, so they can just rise above the water!

kneetoe (#1,881)

Yes, and who (besides you, of course) could have foreseen how cheap and easy to use those inflatable bags would be? And made entirely from recycled plastic bags that turtles have ingested!

Art Yucko (#1,321)

"We cannot have another generation of apathetic people. We baby boomers, of which I'm one, really helped screw up this world."

asdkfaksdjfk;lkdfklskdkf

"No, no … I can't do anything; I'm too old and apathetic. Save yourselves. Oh, and me too."

KarenUhOh (#19)

Who wants carp?

Art Yucko (#1,321)

I bet if we act fast, we can salvage the foetus of the new Marlins stadium and rebrand it as a cruise-ship.
"Cyberzombie Cantu knocks the fastball out of the park and into the deep blue!!! Folks, be sure to visit the upper deck for your free hotdog and bottle of 900spf suntan lotion."

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

It's not going to be a general rise everywhere — it'll flood in some basin, San Jose maybe? the same way it refilled the Mediterranean xx thousand years ago. And the suddenly darker globe will cool a little, and we'll get to pump out another 100 years of petroleum from the suddenly easier-to-deal-with Arctic. Yay us, right? Unless of course you live in the doomed basin.

I really like J. G. Ballard, but ONLY SO LONG AS HE'S STILL FICTION.

San Jose would be more of a mercy killing.

doubled277 (#2,783)

take that back! Oh well, nevermind.

It appears that Kevin Costner was prescient not only about the BP oil clean up tech, but also about our impending Water World. Take that Madonna.

doubled277 (#2,783)

Costner, 2012

When you climb to the top of the mountain
Look out over the sea
Think about the places perhaps where a young man could be
Then you jump back down to the rooftops
Look out over the town
Think about all of the strange things circulating 'round

The Salon piece reminds me of the high hysterics that the Atlantic Monthly used to be so good at.

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