Today's blockbuster on Why Parents Hate Parenting really tries to wrap up on a sunny note. After a huge stretch explaining how children became parents' bosses instead of household servants, and how everyone with a child is pretty much miserable and has no life, the article tries to put on the big spin that people are happier if they've has a "purposeful" life: "About twenty years ago, Tom Gilovich, a psychologist at Cornell, made a striking contribution to the field of psychology, showing that people are far more apt to regret things they haven't done than things they have. In one instance, he followed up on the men and women from the Terman study, the famous collection of high-IQ students from California who were singled out in 1921 for a life of greatness. Not one told him of regretting having children, but ten told him they regretted not having a family." Yeah, nice try. We childless have great purpose. We're doing stuff night and day! We're making partner at the firm and starting businesses and writing books and then, outside of our "day jobs," we're doing charitable and pro bono work, and also pursuing our tertiary interests (because we need an additional layer of hobbies when we're tired of our regular hobbies!) and traveling and learning and reading and then, late at night in bed, we have long, luxurious talks about our ideas and feelings and goals! None of these conversations involve brands of diapers! It's GREAT!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
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Childishness is awesome. Just ask me.
By the way, where's the "tyranny of the shoulds" tag?
And by the way, if you see your mother this weekend, be sure to tell her SATAN SATAN SATAN.
I like how the kid in that song sounds like an alien child.
That is exactly what I came here to say.
Hah, I was already stoked about this post before you made this reference. Now I'm REALLY stoked.
6th line, they've had, not they've has
Mostly confused by the wooden parking garage in the apartment that took an hour to build. Doesn't that warrant more explanation?
YES. Thank you. I meant to get to that. I had to stop after the first paragraph! A parking garage? Made of wood? That took an hour to build? FOR WHAT? FOR WHY? No understand.
YES THAT PART MADE ZERO SENSE. Also, the saddest part of the article was when they talk about the study that determined that kids make people happier, and then it turns out that the guy made a typo in his Excel spreadsheet or something and his entire paper was wrong! I wanted to weep for that poor dear researcher man.
Yeah, but you can't teach cats to surf or how to make fun of Albanians.
Plus, you're going to need someone to avenge your death in the Great Primate Wars of 2012.©
I just like the small human scalp smell. The rest I can take or leave.
There is something comforting in that. I've never really thought about it.
@STC: What's this about a Primate War? Have you been keeping this from us?
@Booksy- what about the non-wrists that look like you put a rubber band around the arm? And how cute they look in those little terry cloth onesies with the feets?
I'm not reading that article. I dislike narcissistic, spoiled people who bore me, and doubly hate the ones who happen to have decided to procreate.
Ah, yes, my scrolly, the cuteness factor of small mammals cannot be overstated. Part of Nature's plan, so you don't strangle them when they wake you out of a sound sleep.
I believe STC still rocks the feetie pajamas, btw.
@scrolly: I'm going to try to make the Great Primate Wars of 2012© into the new Summer of Death. Within the year, assholes from Good Morning America will be using the phrase and I will become wealthy beyond my wildest dreams, just like Balk. He doesn't even have to work anymore.
@Bookish: I sleep naked on cold dirt just like my Algonquin forefathers did.
@STC: Lance Link is available when you begin shooting GPW.
*Call him.
I woke up naked in the Algonquin lobby once. I could have used your help explaining that.
@Sid: Don't think I'm not incoherent.
@BookishLookish : re. "I dislike narcissistic, spoiled people who bore me ..."
I don't particularly like small children either. (smiley! Not really a bad person!)
They keep growing!
We childless have great purpose. We're doing stuff night and day!
As a soon-to-be father, I know that this is just code for being hungover all the time.
Yes, it turns out that waking up really early and having to do shit for someone else is NOT the secret cure for hangovers.
shhhhh!
Also, wedding rings ARE NOT CHICK MAGNETS.
baby daddy's name is christopher.
GOOD EVIDENCE.
I can't be trusted with something so fragile and so time consuming. Childishness, childlessness: same thing, same AWESOME.
Defensive much? And also, how many times has Balk told you that life has no purpose?!?!
Haha. No, not really!
By the way, if you feel like you're approach to life is awesome and you love it, god bless and keep up the good work!
I LOVE other peoples' CHILDREN.
And that's why you're on the watch list.
I'll always regret not attending Cornell.
Personally, I just can't wait to be the 'cool' aunt.
I'm the 'cool' uncle - it's great!
Finger paints!? Drum Set!? Sure!!!
FYI...HATE the "cool" aunt and uncle. They're the psychos who always send something that needs to be fed and cared for at Christmas.
If I wanted something else to take care of, I WOULD GET KNOCKED UP AGAIN.
Also, stop sending loud shit. We do not need more vuvuzelas.
Here's a tip. If you want to be "cool", send cash. The kids hate it, but mommy can buy a box of wine and be entertained for hours.
@hockeymom: You're sort of missing the point here!
our goal is not to make you happy. you should know this as our siblings and siblings-in-law.
I'm kidding.
Except about the cash part. Seriously...there's nothing cooler than wine-in-a-box. Mommy is happy and the kids get to play with a funky, cardboard box. And truthfully, kids love cardboard. No lie. If you gave your nieces and nephews a bunch of empty appliances boxes, they REALLY would think you were the coolest aunt (or uncle).
That is my parenting tip of the day (sorry Choire..I'll go back to pretending my womb has always been barren).
@HiredGoons: Heck yes! Other peoples' children are awesome, BECAUSE YOU CAN GIVE THEM BACK.
@Gef: and as soon as there is a mess or they start crying you just hand them over and be like "I don't know what to do! I don't have kids!"
I bought one of those 'Baby on Board' signs to replace the message with 'Busy Masturbating Fruitlessly'. Still trying to decide where I should be hanging it...
Put some pants on Hangnail.
Change it to "Baby, I'm Bored".
If teaching the cat French pantless is wrong then I don't have the capacity to be right.
I tried to take a stab at this, but blahblah most studies show blahblah "I want you to do your homework"Blahblahblah oh hey DAVID BROOKS IS BOTH IRRELEVANT AND ESSENTIAL!
Everything sucks if it's only being attempted because everyone else is doing it and you're constantly measuring your crap project against theirs.
I have no interest unless '70s-era, "go play outside while Mommy and Daddy have a cocktail and a conversation that isn't about you" parenting comes back. So I'm not doing this.
You know if a kid is outside longer than 15 minutes there will be an Amber Alert.
There's a chance that some stranger might look in their general direction.
@scroll:
Sigh. I know. Believe me, I know.
I'm with City_Dater. The only Amber Alert I want to hear is, "Honey, the kids are playing outside. We're out of Abita Amber, but I could pour you a Tanqueray and tonic."
Wait? 70s-era parenting isn't back? I'M DOIN IT RONG!?
Present!
OK, after reading the first part of the article, I can only conclude the central message is: Life Is Hard.
Big deal.
yeah, as a childless adult I was kind of thinking, sure my life is probably happier than these folks', but all of our lives have become less "happy" (never defined) since our 20s. So it might have more to do with the fact that growing up is hard. And I'm not sure "happy" is the only good thing on earth either.
Choire, they DO name the hot daddy, kind of: Christopher Harper. I bet you could make him much happier than his wife seems to.
AH HA! BETTER EVIDENCE.
Man that household sure has a lot of anomie.
But he's married to the younger sister from Some Kind of Wonderful how could he not be happy?
(I can't even with this article. Instead of reading it, I'm gonna go sit in the corner with my Balk dollie and my jean jacket and my shrivled up ovaries and cry and cry and cry until BookishLookish comes over to wipe the snot off my face for me.)
...wow. Don and Sally Draper vibes.
Oh yepper, I have a nice lace hankie for you, jolie, but believe me when I tell you it's a strict no-sniveling policy up in Chez BL. I mean, I'm not a totally cold bitch, I will hug on the spawn when necessary, but it's some snot-freeness, sugar.
@BL: Fine, but I'm totally telling my therapist about how you neglected me.
It's past noon. Have a manhattan and buck up, kid.
Also: Your ovaries----> grape-y, bouyant. Mine----> raisin-y, dessicated.
I'm going to go antique-ing and buy some new sneakers, knowing my rabbit has a full food bowl and can fend for itself for the rest of the day.
@HG: I bet that brings the souls of your little dead turtles much solace.
@katiebakes: Right now, there is an Awl commenter resizing that for an avatar.
A life of idleness and sloth doesn't involve diapers either... not unless you want it to
I don't miss spending every loose twenty on diapers.
"It's a lovely magic trick of the memory, this gilding of hard times. Perhaps it's just the necessary alchemy we need to keep the species going. But for parents, this sleight of the mind and spell on the heart is the very definition of enchantment."
I feel sorry for those two kids.
See, that's really the bullshit part. It's a biological imperative, not a psychological one.
My father used to say: "Pain has no memory", which is totally true. If we remembered what breaking an arm, or childbirth, or any other physical trauma felt like we'd curl up in a corner and avoid anything that could potentially hurt us. Like getting knocked up.
So of course it's required to keep the species going.
Well, since her piece will live on the Internet for all time, those kids will be able to always have a reminder that their mom thinks they ruined her life.
Also, that article title is wrong. It shouldn't be "why parents hate parenting" it should be "why self-absorbed parents hate themselves."
"But the outbreak of war only made both Alec and Merula more determined to have a child: 'We thought the only creative thing we could do was to make a baby.'"
- from the biography of Alec Guinness
So agree.
Stop navel gazing (though, when pregnant, it is often hard to gaze at anything else).
You looked down there? I just used it as a convenient place to put my big plate of cheeses.
@Abe agreed. Also, so what, anyway? Have a kid if you want: yay! Don't have one if you don't want: also yay! Big deal.
Not these people again: Yuppies!! Fuck off. These are the same ridiculous people who put helmets on their kids to go on the slide in the park. These whining strivers write and talk like they invented having kids. This same ridiculous story appears every few years in New York Magazine or The New York Times Magazine. Because they took the time to think about reproducing, we're now all supposed to be grateful for their perceptive insight. Really? Kill yourself. I hope your children scrape their face on the playground and hate you completely in 14 years time. These are the awful people that make raising your own children unbearable: You might have to converse with them. The parents! Complaing about having kids is the ultimate in bullshit bratty behavior. As far as I know, you are not the first adult to find that it takes sacrifice and time to raise another human. Welcome to the club. Now shut up. There's 7 billion of us in the world.
+1
When the spawn was smaller, I used to sing to him a lot and change the lyrics to old songs. "Cool Jerk" became "Cool Bath," when it was bathtime in summer. "I'm the Pied Piper" became "I Need a Fresh Diaper," you get the picture. Now he is hearing the real songs on the oldies station in the car and recognizing the melodies and looking over at me and going, "Hey...!" Hilarity ensures.
Parenthood can be really fun, but you have to try to not be a total tool. Also, you have to turn up the volume, baybeee!
I thought the upshot of this article was actually a useful insight. The psychologist spake: "I think this boils down to a philosophical question, rather than a psychological one...Should you value moment-to-moment happiness more than retrospective evaluations of your life?" (pg 6 online) Like Choire, I value the moment-to-moment happiness. Doubling down on "retrospective evaluations" seems uninviting to me, but I understand it as a valid choice. To me this is the conversation worth having...preferably over a Belgian beer in a dark room...the problem is that parents can't be there to have the conversation anymore (at least my friends-who-are-parents).
Maybe so, but if parenting isn't bringing you plenty of moment-to-moment type happiness, you might be doing it wrong. Children, in my experience, want very much to love their parents - not simply depend on them and flee to them, but really love them. And being loved - simply and sincerely - can bring plenty of moment-to-moment happiness. To say nothing of watching the development of a human being under your care. Is parenting a grind? Sure. But gosh if there aren't plenty of consolations along the way, from hearing my 13 year-old critique the failed attempt to marry whimsy and high drama in Burton's Alice in Wonderland to seeing my 15-month-old light up when I come in the house. And I can't speak for your friends, but I have plenty of conversations over drinks with other friends who are parents - we just do it at home.
I definitely understand your point--and I actually don't think the article suggests that parents don't have daily happiness at all, but rather that the balance differs for the childless/parents. I thought it used the research to argue that parents' lives are more full of the kinds of frustrations, fears, and just plain chores than that of the childless, and having spent plenty of time with different types of parents/children, that seems intuitively true to me. The article also suggests the payoffs for those frustrations are real and significant, and that seems true too. As for the latter point, I think that there's a very wide range of how social parents are, based on personality, age of kids, etc., but that it's necessarily true that parents have less time to hang with their friends. I just miss seeing my friends out and about. Anyway, your points are all well taken!
Thanks, and thanks for replying. I'll grant that "out and about" drops off pretty hard for a while. But then, I was always a bit of a homebody.
I didn't know from awesome until I had a child.
So yes, continue on with your Plato's Cave of Awesome! It is TOTALLY AWESOME IN THERE, SWEAR!
Children, large or small, are sometimes wonderful and sometimes not, just like every other person on earth. Happiness comes from being true to yourself and your own wishes, whatever route you choose. Just please don't choose to procreate unless you genuinely want to raise those little beans into happy, healthy, functional adults. They ain't no accessory!
You know happy, healthy, functional adults?