Tuesday, June 15th, 2010

Why You Lust For Brown-Eyed Men

You can't see the eyes, but trust me, they are BROWN BROWN BROWN, babyEveryone knows that apart from being hopelessly attractive, effortlessly charming and erudite, all while projecting a tiny jolt of danger and longing in those who come into contact with them, white men with brown eyes convey an immediate aura of dominance. And that is not just the theory of a hopelessly attractive, effortlessly charming and erudite white man with brown eyes who projects a tiny jolt of danger and longing in all those who come into contact with him (give me this one, okay?), that, my friends, is Science!

Czech researchers asked a group of 62 people to look at photos of 80 faces – 40 men and 40 women – and rate them for dominance. Then the investigators Photoshopped the faces so the brown eyes were replaced with blue ones and vice versa. A separate group of participants rated the altered images for dominance.

The results were the same in both cases: Faces of brown-eyed men were rated more dominant than those of blue-eyed men, even when their eyes weren't brown.

Researchers have a bunch of hypotheses for why this should be the case (they always do), including the observation that "brown-eyed men had broader chins and mouths, larger noses, more closely spaced eyes and larger eyebrows than blue-eyed men," which, you know, DOMINANCE. There is also speculation that since brown-eyed boys appear so much more manly and DOMINANT at an early age they are coddled less than their babyish blue-eyed counterparts, who grow to be considerably less DOMINATING than the dashing men with the umber orbs who make all the ladies swoon like generals testifying before Congress. Whatever the reason, I think we can all agree that white men with brown eyes and large noses and thick brows and broad jaws, well, you just want to let them DOMINATE you, don't you? Completely unrelated: My e-mail address is on the home page.

109 Comments / Post A Comment

#56 (#56)

Prove it! I mean… show us your face.

Nice Petraeus (sp?) ref.

Here I always liked my almost-black eyes, but hated the thick eyebrows and Roman nose. I guess I'll go hump someone's leg.

/my eyes are brown comment

deepomega (#1,720)

Other correlations include:

Higher average income
Better vocabulary
Girthier endowment

Ladies, I am not single, but as a DOMINANT brown eyed man I don't think we need to let that stop us.

myfanwy (#1,124)

I'm waiting for the definitive study on whether or not brown-eyed men take break-ups harder.

So what you're saying is that the whole Nazi "Aryan superiority" thing was just overcompensation?

sixlocal (#296)

Nobody knows what it's like… to be the bad man; to be the sad man…

kneetoe (#1,881)

Oh no, mine are kind of hazel, which means intermediate, which means I'll never get laid. Ahhhhhhhh.

Oh, never mind, they're brown enough.

Bittersweet (#765)

There ya go, kneetoe, that's what DOMINANCE is all about. Though I'm a sucker for icy blue eyes myself.

Miles Klee (#3,657)

that's me. you haven't truly been dominated till i've ICED you with by wintry blues.

Bittersweet (#765)


BadUncle (#153)

Yes, but aren't these dominating brown eyes usually obscured by ass cheeks?

LOL! You so bad!

Art Yucko (#1,321)

So this means shockingly-deep-voiced AND hazelbrown-eyed men are Masters of the fucking bootiverse, amirite?

scroll_lock (#4,122)

Don Pardo deep or James Earl Jones deep?

Art Yucko (#1,321)

Darth Earl Nimoy deep.

scroll_lock (#4,122)


Art Yucko (#1,321)

The whiskey makes the voice, and all those it dominates, better with age.

garge (#736)

I am a little turned on.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

Did I mention that I'm 6'4?

Art Yucko (#1,321)

*with the profile of Leonard Nimoy (literally)

garge (#736)

I need to go consult science for the absolute metric opposite of a little, brb.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

talk science to me.

scroll_lock (#4,122)

This explains why my entire life I have been hopelessly reduced to a quivering lump of pudding by brown-eyed men. (see prior comment re: RDJ)

Forget the mythical Brown Note: I can deliver the BROWN GLANCE!

barnhouse (#1,326)

Not that I have any SCIENCE to back this up, but I've often thought that darker irises betoken authority, purpose, seriousness–c.a.d. maybe it's not the color, but the intensity of the color that equals DOMINANCE.

Second calls for evidence from the author. (Just eyes, even!)

jolie (#16)

Oh my God. I've never actually thought about this but every serious boyfriend I've had has had light eyes (I'm racist like that?) Has this been my problem ALL ALONG??

scroll_lock (#4,122)

Only dabbled in light eyes wunst and it proved my theory about brown-eyed DOMINANCE.

You need to dominated. I'm coming over. You will be wearing that little red thing.

Matt (#26)

@Captain: That will not be possible.

deepomega (#1,720)

The brown eyed mine knows what he wants, and he demands it. Right now.

oudemia (#177)

This is me, too. I am short and dark hair/eyed. Every guy I ever dated was 6'+ and fair. Plainly, I am some kind of self-hating something-or-other.

@Oudemia: Not at all! Your subconscious just wants what is best for your theoretical offspring.

@Matt: The pink thing will suffice. Now bend ov…er, ah, nevermind.

petejayhawk (#1,249)


oudemia (#177)

Look at you! You're a real, live boy!

scroll_lock (#4,122)

Puppies usually have big brown eyes and who can resist them? NO ONE.

scroll_lock (#4,122)

*Not intended as an endorsement for sexing puppehs.

Tuna Surprise (#573)

Just wait until science gets fancy enough to pull off a multi-variable experiment. I'll put $20 that any brown-eyed dominance is negated by being shorter than 6 feet. Sorry guys, to rule them all you must be tall.

cherrispryte (#444)


Miles Klee (#3,657)

yeah i mean i'm only 6'2" and i'm constantly prying women off my ankles

Bittersweet (#765)

6'2?!? *swoon*

Face (#3,654)

I don't think you have to be tall…you just can't be short.

Tuna Surprise (#573)

Back off Bittersweet, I was here first.

saythatscool (#101)

@Miles: The women you keep locked in your basement don't count. They're just begging to be let go.

scroll_lock (#4,122)

Tall is good except for dancing- sternum to nose.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

I'll raise Miles by 2 inches.

@scrolly: as my (short) father used to say about dating tall women: "When we're nose-to-nose my toes are in it, when we're toes-to-toes my nose is in it."

Bittersweet (#765)

He's all yours, Tuna. I don't really feel like being locked in the basement.

As a 5'8 woman, I prefer tall because I like dancing partners who aren't also chin rests.

Miles Klee (#3,657)

something tells me this isn't the last time saythatscool will be my anti-wingman

scroll_lock (#4,122)

@Clarence: I love your Dad!

saythatscool (#101)

@scrolly: Fatherlover.

scroll_lock (#4,122)

@STC: That reminds me- tell your Dad to stop driving by my house late at night. For the last time, it's not me- it's him.

saythatscool (#101)

@miles: I only kid the ones I love, shnookums.

scroll_lock (#4,122)

@STC: Tall-ICY-blue-eyed-Shnookumslover

kneetoe (#1,881)

6'6". And LAST.

Bittersweet (#765)

6'6? *extra dramatic swoon*

tigolbitties (#2,150)

@bittersweet: and apparently kneetoe runs sans shirt… which is good!?!

6'0". Extra inches added elsewhere.

Bittersweet (#765)

@tigolbitties: !!! Need defibrillator, stat.

Bittersweet (#765)

(@ kneetoe: knew I liked you for more than just your rapier wit.)

Well it sure isn't those scrawny pipe cleaners you call your forearms that drops the panties.

Yes, I said panties.

scroll_lock (#4,122)


saythatscool (#101)

The manties cover up the back pussy.

scroll_lock (#4,122)

You go home and get your manties,
I'll go home and get my panties
And away we'll go.
Off we're gonna shuffle,
Shuffle off to Buffal-ho.

NicFit (#616)

Post translation: DOM M, 38, brn/brn, average build 4 sub female. You know you want it.

Lockheed Ventura (#5,536)

It's the Neanderthal gene.

Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Mao, Saddam Hussein, Ayatollah Khomeini, Genghis Khan, Napoleon.

Okay, you're dominant, we get it. You people are so pushy.

iplaudius (#1,066)

So much popular imagery: strong-faced brown-eyed dark-haired man + delicate blue-eyed blonde.

It ties into bros icing bros. Beer is dark and manly. Smirnoff ice is light and girly.

scroll_lock (#4,122)

I'm a delicate blue-eyed blonde and I would never drink an ICE.

saythatscool (#101)


scroll_lock (#4,122)

I should amend that to say I would only be ICED by a brown-eyed DOMINANT bro.

iplaudius (#1,066)

@scroll_lock: that’s the spirit

Ron Obvious (#351)

La mirada fuerte — our friends in Spain had this figured out long ago.

RonMwangaguhung (#3,697)

You can't see my picture because for some reason I haven't yet figured out how to get it on TheAwl comments. But — and you trust me on this — they would DOMINATE you with their brownness if you could.

saythatscool (#101)

Gravatar Ron.

scroll_lock (#4,122)

@Ron- yeah, what's the mystery about loading a picture, I've tried about a hundred times. Can anyone chime in here?

saythatscool (#101)


First, have you guys tried this site?

scroll_lock (#4,122)

Whatever it is, it's blocked here. Will it help upload a pic?


@scrolly: Make sure the "rating" or whatever for your pic is set to G. Apparently The Awl is a family site.

(I mean, whenever you're actually able to access Gravatar.)

saythatscool (#101)

@scrolly: yes. It will get your pic uploaded.

scroll_lock (#4,122)


saythatscool (#101)

You're welcome, blondie.

Since the Awl redesign, you can add an avatar directly. Click on Settings in the upper right corner. DOMINATED.

roboloki (#1,724)

how can i upload a facebook profile pic? it seems to be what all the kids are doing.

Ionah (#62)

You also know all, so you have that going for you. If your friends would describe you as "a man with too many thoughts in his head to pay attention to the person in front of you" or "perhaps a genetic marker shy of schizophrenia" I'll think about emailing. We all have our types. Summer 2010!

Mount_Prion (#290)

So Bowie's a switch?

garge (#736)

I am struggling with my opposing desires to be DOMINATED and not have my hazel eyes be usurped genetically.

cherrispryte (#444)

You're supposed to struggle while being DOMINATED. That's what makes it fun!

Just conceive the kid outside your relationship.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

I'm a hazel, and I enjoy Domination.

Wrapitup (#975)

a.How come bullshit studies like this get funding?
b.All this 'Science' from Czech researchers and their President is a climate change denier who believes that environmentalism is dangerous.

laurel (#4,035)

TFD = Totally fucking dominant?

Matt (#26)

This Fucking Day

laurel (#4,035)

A girl can dream.

HelloTitty (#830)

Aha, I knew Google had to be wrong. Technically Funny Data just doesn't sound like Balk.

Coincidentally, I had just been pondering my weakness for dark-eyed men when you posted the David Mitchell clip. Thanks, Science! Now if you'll excuse me, there's an episode of Justified I have to go re-watch (for science!).

hman (#53)

Brown guys are awesome.

SidAndFinancy (#4,328)

Crystal Gayle will not take this news well.

keisertroll (#1,117)

Don't it make my blue eyes brown.

checkonetwo (#3,234)

So when, then, do I prefer blue eyes? I guess I just want a man I can dominate. Awkward.

checkonetwo (#3,234)

*why, then.

HiredGoons (#603)

I prefer a big dick and cut abs, but to each their own.

Ziggy (#529)

The only reason Balk wrote this was his being irked by Choire being constantly called the "the cute one."

(He's drowning his sorrow in whiskey right now, I bet.)

missdelite (#625)

Brown-eyed guys are trouble with a capital "T". They'll break your heart, steal your wallet and shtupp your mother without batting a thick Moorish lash and then call you six months later when the oh-so-convenient Alzheimers kicks in.

No, gimme a cobalt blue-eyed babe, any day of the week. And none of that fake coloured contacts shit, either. Cause that's just wrong.

carpetblogger (#306)

No one has addressed the Brown Eyed Girl issue here. You know what they do behind the stadiums….

Blue eyes, brown eyes, green eyes, they're all men.

"I only like two kinds of men, domestic and imported." –Mae West

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