Tuesday, June 22nd, 2010
12

Jesus Coming, Newspapers Going

When the Rapture happens you will have to read about it on your iPad, if the predictive powers of Americans surveyed in a Pew Research poll are at all accurate: "64 percent of Americans say printed newspapers will cease to exist by 2050…. A significant 41 percent of respondents expect Jesus Christ to return by 2050."

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Art Yucko (#1,321)

If Big J doesn't show, there will be a lot of pissed off JesusPad addicts demanding Zombie Cyborg Steve Jobs for their money back.

Mount_Prion (#290)

When Jesus comes, just make sure he doesn't get it on your iPad.

A significant 41 percent of respondents expect Jesus Christ to return by 2050. 17% expect him to stay at the Marriott.

KarenUhOh (#19)

It is Written, in the Book of Jobs.

City_Dater (#2,500)

I can't read the results of a Pew Research poll without desperately wanting to see them in a Venn diagram.

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

I thought the iPad WAS Jesus

kneetoe (#1,881)

Got to wonder what the overlap is between, say, the 64% who are optimistic about the future or the 71% who expect cancer to be cured by 2050 and that 41% who are expecting Jesus. I guess if Jesus comes, that would cure cancer, right?

Screen Name (#2,416)

Woman: What's he doing now?

Man: (Peeking out window through drawn curtains) He's just sitting there.

Woman: What about the dog?

Man: Lamb.

Woman: How'd you know its name?

Man: It's not its name. I mean it's a real lamb. Not a dog.

Woman: Oh. Is it still -

Man: (Bangs hard on window) Goddamn locusts.

Woman: – there?

Man: Yeah, it's – (a loud trumpeting sound interrupts)

Woman: What the hell was that?

Man: No idea. But that's at least the seventh time I've heard it. (Looking out window) Heh. Here comes that holy roller Anderson.

Woman: What's he doing?

Man: Nothing. Just talking to him with that big ol' shit eating grin of his.

Woman: Christ, what an asshole.

eNewYork eTimes, Sunday, June 19, 2050: Christ returns to earth, leads American side to victory.

Jesus Christ returned to earth just in time to power the foundering American squad to victory against the unified Korean team. WIth the 2-1 win, the Americans advance out of Group competition and will likely face the Franglish team Tuesday in Damascus.

Jesus's header in injury time was "a fucking miracle," according to coach Triptrap Palin-Cheney. "When he descended to the sidelines as time expired, I knew I had to get him in the game right away. Tick, tick, tick, you know?"

The play itself was simple enough: American wing Jor-El Cage dribbled the ball deep into Korean territory before chipping it to Jesus. "He totally saved us today!" said Cage. Christ, though, was modest. "I've always been good on crosses."

Still, not everything is rosy. Shortly after the game concluded, a lake of fire opened and swallowed nearby nonbelievers. "I won't have time to celebrate," said coach Palin-Cheney. "I've got four roster slots to fill in two days."

Thank you for that.

beatrixkiddo1 (#2,988)

Does that mean after 2050 that 41% will shut up about it?

kneetoe (#1,881)

Sadly, most will already be in heaven.

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