Monday, June 14th, 2010

In 2021, Afghanistan Looks Back

AFGHANISTANAfter much searching, in the summer of 2021 we found Afghanistan napping in a small hut that had been hastily built into a bombed-out former mountainside. "I wish it never happened. It was totally a nightmare," said Afghanistan. "Sure, we called the Sudden Money Institute, those people who try to help lottery winners who live in trailers to not go crazy, but they were annoying and they kept talking about 'trusts' and 'foundations' and interest ratings, so, whatever, we eventually just blew them off."

"Everybody had a hand out," Afghanistan said. "All my cousins wanted a piece. How could I say no?"

Then, in the mid-10s, Afghanistan spent most of its money on an international chain of drive-through highway carwashes, called the Tribal Chieftains' Rain-Makers, which were not a success. Afghanistan was forced to settle a class action lawsuit on behalf of employees over the uniforms-women employees claimed they were mangled because they couldn't see through the headgear while operating machinery. The Rain-Maker chain closed, and Afghanistan went back home.

By then, all the money was gone.

"Yeah, it sucked," said Afghanistan. "But at least I got laid a lot for a few years. Had a few laughs. You'd be surprised how many Miss America contestants you can fit in a Lamborghini Reventón."

18 Comments / Post A Comment

Art Yucko (#1,321)

haha, we're never getting out of there now, are we.

Maevemealone (#968)

Afghanistan is the new Dubai, baby! They're totally going to build their own ocean on top of those barren mountains. Gleaming souless ocean front hotel towers for all! Cannon ballllll!

Art Yucko (#1,321)

Svarowski-encrusted Maseratis for Everybody named Mohammed! Abduls only get an Audi TT Coupe, sorry.

deepomega (#1,720)

Is it at least the TT with the baseball glove leather interior?

flossy (#1,402)

"An internal Pentagon memo, for example, states that Afghanistan could become the 'Saudi Arabia of lithium'"… Yay!!(?)

Art Yucko (#1,321)


ljnd (#86)


kneetoe (#1,881)

Luckily, the same companies that run our military can also dig and operate mines!

DoctorDisaster (#1,970)

Afghanistan – a wholly owned subsidiary of Halliburton®

Such a strange coincidence!

Wow, between poppy seeds and lithium how can they be so depressed?

kneetoe (#1,881)

Ha! If only all that getting killed would go away.

deepomega (#1,720)

If you think that wars over oil are bad, wait till we're out of oil entirely and running low on lithium for the batteries we need in our post-petroleum world. It's gonna get a little Mad Max.

cherrispryte (#444)

Because I have been telling everyone I know about this book, and it is tangentally related: Go read A Woman Among Warlords, by Malalai Joya. She's an Afghani activist who's been speaking out against the horrific corruption and the warlords running Afghanistan. Her personal story is really uplifting, but the things she's saying about the current situation in Afghanistan, especially the US occupation, are pretty damn depressing.

Jim Demintia (#1,815)

So that's it for that country, then.

kneetoe (#1,881)

Of course not! We'll leave the tailings.

myfanwy (#1,124)

Manic-depressives rejoice!!! (for lithium, not iPhones, although free batteries are pretty exciting too)

myfanwy (#1,124)

Jesus, does the "Reply" feature ever work, or is this a plot to drive me slowly mad, thus driving up the demand for lithium???

Post a Comment