How To Talk To Your Dad On Father's Day

At some point early Sunday afternoon you will wake up hungover and with an odd feeling of dread about an impending obligation. Do not turn over and go back to bed, though. This is not the usual Sunday afternoon wave of nausea and regret. You actually do have perform an awkward and unpleasant task. It's Father's Day! Time to call Dad.

Here's what's going to happen: You'll call home and your mom will pick up the phone, because she always does. She'll ask you the usual questions and tell you the most recent developments in the lives of people you went to school with and have long since forgotten about. She will bring you up to date on the medical ailments of various relatives and friends of the family, at least one of whom with have some kind of cancer for which the prognosis is, "Well… it's not good." Then she will tell you that she loves you and she knows that you called to speak to your father and he's right here!

Where your usual phone conversations with your father are of the "How ya doin'?" "I'm great, pop, how about you?" "Doin' well, thanks." "Okay. Well, I'll see you in a couple of weeks." "Looking forward to it." "Bye." "Bye." variety, that will not cut it today, because your mom is standing right there staring at your dad and you both know that you're going to have to put in a few solid minutes of talk time or else you'll get separate lectures at a later date about "Why aren't you two closer?" or "How did this family get to be so emotionally distant?" and the ever-popular "I tried my best to make this the perfect home for all of you," plus crying, and, really, nobody wants to sit through that. So you're going to have to suck it up. To help you through this difficult burden, here are some suggested topics of conversation which will get you to the two minute mark.

Sports: The age-old classic. This one is particularly choice right now because the NBA Championships have just concluded, so you can very easily burn through your 120 seconds talking about how the Celtics let a completely winnable series slip through their fingers in the final half and does Kobe Bryant's chronic selfishness make him pretty much the perfect symbol for the Los Angeles entertainment complex? You can also talk about baseball. If there is no regional team for which you both root, bring up that hot new pitching phenom for the Nationals. Do not attempt to bluff your way through a World Cup talk, because nobody gives a shit about soccer and your mom will know you guys are faking it.

TV: Your dad is getting older, and when he comes home from a hard day's work all he wants to do is pour himself a drink and sit down in front of the tube. There must a show he really likes. Ask him about it!

Politics: If your dad is liberal you can let him bitch about how Obama is a) not doing enough or b) being prevented from doing anything (your choice depends on how far to the left your dad is). If your dad is conservative you can let him bitch about how Obama is a) running this country into the goddamned ground or b) a Muslim terrorist or, if he's really conservative, both. The important thing is to let your dad bitch, even if you don't agree with any of it. Your mom won't let your dad talk about politics at parties or other events, so it'll be nice for him to finally get some of it off his chest. Plus, you don't have to do much talking.

His Idiot Co-Worker: He has one. He has anecdotes about him. He's probably got a tight two-minute set ready to go. This is gold.

Advice: This works whether or not you have something mechanical in your home that needs fixing. Just say, "You know, I've been having problems with my [pretty much anything works here except for recent tech gadgets, which your dad doesn't understand and will remind him that the world is changing in many ways and his obsolescence and death grow closer with every passing day] lately, any ideas on how to fix it?" Dads live to tell you how to fix things. This is also an ideal conversation because all you need to do is occasionally say, "Uh huh" or repeat the name of a tool he has mentioned. It's win-win: Dad feels needed, and you can be reading the paper the whole time.

So there are plenty of options to make this situation more tolerable. And while it does seem like kind of a drag to have to go through all of this on one of your days off, remember, you are doing it for the person who gave you life, raised you right and only wants what's best for you: your mom. This Father's Day, show her how special she is. Give your dad a call.