An American Places Bet On World Cup
World Cup fever: Have you caught it? Yeah, the World Cup. The quadrennial contest to see which country can prove its supremacy by knocking a ball around a soccer field with its feet? Yeah, I know, soccer, but it's kind of a big deal, and not just to intellectuals who shun other sports but claim to have an abiding interest in "the beautiful game" because it makes them seem highbrow and somehow less geeky. Anyway, this time around the thing is happening in South Africa, and America's first match pits us against our former colonial oppressors, the English. Naturally, the two nations' ambassadors have engaged in the kind of pathetic municipal-style wager one usually sees during championship events in sports Americans actually care about. Here's the deal: Should England prevail, the American ambassador will spend a day cleaning the teeming refuse that has taken over entire blocks of Knifecrime Island, while being forced to listen to Fat Les' "Vindaloo" on repeat. If the Americans win, England's going to send us as many knives as they can afford to part with, which it turns out is not very many. Go America! Kick that ball into the ropey hole more times than the other guys do! USetc!
Former colonial oppressors?!?! My god, have you already forgotten the Falklands War???
Las Malvinas son Argentinas!
I think most Knifecrime Islanders would hand over the Falklands if somehow they could negate the whole Hand of God incident.
Not to mention "Who Wants to be a Millionaire," "Big Brother", "American Idol" and the rest of that imported crap.*
* except for The Office, natch.
Bittersweet – are you a redhead? Have you worked as a midwife? I've been trying to figure out who you are. Boston-area mother of small children, went to my high school, etc. Cross-referencing with facebook seems to only point in one direction.
Brunette, just one kid. Never been a midwife, but I was an obsessive ballet dancer. I was in your class and lived on a street with one of your good friends and 3 of our teachers.
what's most worrying about this matchup is that an on-field stabbing only gets you a yellow card
If they stab us by god we will put a cap in their ass.
Does Glassing get you a red?
MeandMeMumandMeDadandMeGram, We're-off to Stab-up you
Um, isn't "And if we win you'll get your sorry limey ass over here to CLEAN UP YOUR FUCKING OIL." kind of the obvious way to go here? Is our ambassador is just a giant puss or something?
"High brow?" Maybe in the rarefied sanctum of The Awl. But if you ever find yourself on ground level seating at Rio's Maracana Stadium, be sure you stay under the overhang, unless you appreciate golden showers from strangers.
Leave my personal life out of this, Unc.
Oh, you just want to keep it all pay-per-view.
Indeed. Perhaps it's only in the United States which made "Football" into a sport even more trogolyditic, than normal, could teh footie be considered "High Brow".
I wonder if they will allow the shooting of Roman Candles into the opponents stands like usual. It is world cup after.
@Bad: or sitting at a restaurant table underneath an average Italian waiter standing on one of the chairs next to you, screaming at the television set.
"'Incidentally, you should know that the Ambassador takes his steak like American soccer victories – somewhat rare," the British Embassy's Martin Longden warned his American counterpart Philip Bredeen, a spokesman at the U.S. Embassy in London.'"
So droll. So, so droll.
He means "bloody" and it's code for "we're gonna cut you."
Mmmmm… soccer players…
"Is this like that April Madness with the bracket pool things you fill out to see who wins the NCCA Road to the Fab Four?"
FD Level: Decidedly high.
The last thing football needs is intellectual Americans patronizing it because they think it makes them cooler.
Oh, shit, right. I will stop paying attention to this sport I played for 10 years, coached for 3, and have followed for ages, for fear of pissing off uptight Brits. Please accept my apologies.
Um, I was referring to people getting in the game "because they think it makes them look cooler" not everyone. We have those types in England too.
The ONLY good thing about World Cup soccer is that it normalizes early morning drinking.
I'll see everyone at the bar at 7 30 Monday morning for the exciting matchup between Holland and Denmark.
Oh, you English are *so* superior, aren't you? Well, would you like to know what you'd be without us, the good ol' US of A, to protect you? I'll tell you – the smallest fucking province in the Russian Empire, that's what! So don't call me stupid, lady. Just thank me. If it wasn't for us, you'd all be speaking German, singing "Deutschland, Deutschland über alles…"
can we make hollmark drinking cards?
Have you been to London lately? It is a Russian province.
"Londongrad"
"Wolverines – it is a footie collective."
I was going to try to make a dumb 'Sunday Roast Kotlety' joke, but I am LOLing to much at Pete to get a handle on it.
I am a hybrid of cherri's cred (sans coaching) and Lee's evils (sans intellectual)–I ignore it all until the finals, upon which I go to a sporty bar and get really 'into' it.
@pjh: Well, thank you, Mr. Manfredjensen, for popping in and protecting us!
@ C_Webb – Ask him if he'd like a cup of tea.
Thank you, @C_Webb, for being the only person to get the joke.
@LondonLee: My god, what have you unleashed here?!?
@petejh: So, under your scenario the Germans would have taken over Russia, and then a Germanized Russia would have taken England?
@kneetoe: I know right? The most unlikely people just got pissed right?
@Pete: Did you just start channeling John Belushi there?
Kevin Kline in "A Fish Called Wanda," actually.
I'm just happy to have a use for that hoariest and most vintage of sports arguments: Our USA men's team is crap at football, true enough, but ONLY because these are our fourth-tier athletes (behind football, baseball and basketball). If Kobe and Lebron were in the midfield with Desean Jackson as our striker and Justin Tuck in middle defense, YOU WOULDN'T STAND A CHANCE.
Also, if we had only players from Detroit and the losers got gang-raped in the shower by the winners after the game…NOTACHINAMANSCHANCE!
Until they get red carded for picking the ball up.
@LL: One more word out of you and I am giving you back to the Russian Nazis!
@sigerson: put Ray Allen at striker. Dude's on fire right now.
While trying to ignoring the silliness of this argument I should add that very tall people often don't make the best football players. Having a low centre of gravity helps, Pele and Maradona were both quite small.
Kobe and LeBron might make decent defenders but only in a very limited sense because of their size giving them physical presence, a nimble striker would find it easy to get by them.
@Bittersweet: Yes, and imagine what his 3-point shooting would do in a soccer game!
STEVE NASH. Yes, I know he's Canadian, but he should be an honorary American by now.
@Londonlee — I find myself in the highly unusual position of having to tell an Englishman that I was BEING SARCASTIC. Try harder to ignore a silly argument next time.
And how dare you disrespect Peter Crouch like that!
I know it's silly but I have heard that argument in all seriousness from Americans before.
"ropey hole" sounds like it should be in a Sex and the City 2 review.
It's the Stanley Cup Finals, people.
Let's focus on what's really important.
Get Kate Bakes or Copyranter in here, because the games have been amazing (except for last night when the Flyers decided that defense was an optional part of the game.)
Hockey players don't go around faking injuries…you break something, puncture something, you keep playing. You don't roll around on the ground, crying like a baby like your torso had been amputated. In fact, an amputated torso would not necessarily preclude a hockey player from returning to the ice.
Soccer, schmocker.
Then it seems like Soccermom is a safer way to go.
It's the NBA Finals, people.
Let's focus on what's really important – seeing the Lakers go down in flames and enjoying the freak show that is Kevin Garnett.