Terrible Gallery Signals End Of Internet

In a catastrophe that is sure to have wide-ranging effects on all segments of society, the Internet awoke on Thursday to discover that there was nothing left to turn into a photo gallery. Slideshow monitors first noticed the depletion of suitable pictures and topics at 8:42 a.m., when the New York Observer ran a profile on the domestic accommodations of wealthy Manhattan gadabout Lockhart Steele.

"It was horrible," said Randall Ansberry, director of California's Berkeley Webological Laboratory. "My team couldn't believe what they were seeing. One of the younger members kept hitting refresh on his browser and muttering, 'That can't be it,' over and over until he slumped in his chair and went silent."

"I am sorry to say that, yes, that was it," added Ansberry.

Experts were stunned by both the unexpected finality of the event and the utterly prosaic way in which it came about.

"I don't get it," said an administration official from the Department of Energy who declined to be identified because the Department had not yet decided on how to formally address the issue. "A disaster of this significance and it's set off by yet another profile of Lockhart Steele? And this one is about his tiny apartment? A 3-page slideshow where two of the pictures are pretty much identical? It just doesn't make any sense."

The official added that the administration was investigating whether the devastation may have been deliberate. In the last few years China and Russia have been accused of directing attacks on the Web's bountiful array of meaningless, pageview-inflating clickshows. Each nation vociferously denied involvement, both then and now.

"This is a great tragedy for humanity," said a spokesman for Russian President Dmitry Medvedev. "We stand united with the West in condemning the perpetrators of this outrage, whoever they may be."

Others in the industry seemed less surprised by the depletion.

"I've been warning about this for years," said Hank Schaefer, a noted skeptic of slideshows and the chief adviser to M.I.T.'s Single-Page Initiative. "I was at a conference just last week where I made it pretty clear that not only had we reached peak pageviews, but we were rapidly burning off the few possible topics of interest we had left. Henry Blodget told me I was an idiot who didn't understand the economics of the industry. Then he said I should sit on something rusty and rotate. Well, who's laughing now? Good luck running giant blocks of text from here on out, buddy!"

Huffington Post founder Arianna Huffington was unavailable for comment, and is said to be in seclusion in her California home.

As this story went to press President Obama was meeting with the Joint Chiefs of Staff to explore military solutions to the disaster. Political fallout from the event is already being felt in the nation's capital, with House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) calling it "Obama's fail whale" and former Alaska governor Sarah Palin taking to her Facebook page to wonder "why this administration wants to take away your adorable kitty galleries."

Authorities urge everyone to remain calm and vigilant for the moment, and also remind you that one of the walls in Lockhart Steele's utilitarian rental apartment is red.