Friday, May 14th, 2010
46

Dear America, Please Come Visit

I mean, amazing park, right? Come see it!Hey, America, howyoudoin'?

Hahaha, I kid! I know that's the sort of greeting so many of you associate with me, New York City, but I assure you I am much more classy and sophisticated than the impression given by the many television sitcoms and Hollywood exaggerations you have seen over the years. I exude elegance. I am, of course, the Greatest City in the World. You should come see for yourself!

Now, listen, America: I know you're probably a little uneasy about me right now. You resent my associates downtown for the way they wrecked the economy. You have probably heard that there's been a tiny—infinitesimal, really—increase in the crime rate. You're a little tired of all the Jews. I understand, believe me. But you're misplacing your anger.

We are not that different, you and I, America. We have the same values (money trumps everything, only winners matter, misery is best countered by an illogical belief that you will somehow succeed no matter how deeply stacked against you the deck is, etc.), although I might tend to express them a little more loudly. It's just my way! I'm a can-do go-getter with sharp elbows. And I know you admire that!

So why not come stay with me for a week or so? The weather's starting to warm up, and as much as I'm happy to take the euros and riyals that foreign tourists are clamoring to dump into my coffers, I would really prefer to see you, my fellow countrymen. There's something about the special bond we share that makes me feel like—WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

Oh, I'm sorry. It was just an empty gas can someone carelessly discarded near a pack of matches. Did I scare you? I did not mean to. I've been a little jumpy lately is all. I apologize if you were alarmed. Can't be too cautious these days, you know?

Anyway, as I was saying: There is so much to see and do here. I am not knocking the cultural opportunities in your own hometowns—which I'm sure are lovely, in that understated provincial way you do so well; it's adorable, really—but you don't get to the top of the heap by taking half-measures. My museums, my theater district, my many amazing restaurants: They are prized above all others for a reason. It's because they're—HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT GUY HOLDING IN HIS HAND? EVERYBODY DOWN!

Whew! Excuse me! I don't know what is going on with my nerves these days. It was very silly of me to mistake that man with the bucket and broom for someone who was up to no good. He is one of the many people who help to keep my streets free of garbage and clutter. I appreciate all the work he does, and I am beyond embarrassed by my reaction just now.

But that brings up an excellent point! I am not just a city where you go to see things and eat well, although of course there's plenty of chances for you to do that. No, I am also a great example of a city as a city, a place with clean streets but a vibrant club scene, a place where so many different people come together in harmony to make a better life for themselves, a town whose energy never sags or falters or—OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT JUST HAPPENED? DID YOU SEE THAT?

What? A small child chasing after a butterfly? Ugh, so so sorry! You know how you catch something out of the corner of your eye sometimes and your mind envisions the worst possible scenario? I have been sleeping poorly of late—no, nothing for you to concern yourself with, I'll handle it—so I'm more susceptible to that sort of thing than usual.

But that beautiful, vibrant toddler we just saw loping after a flying insect reminds me: I am very family friendly! My parks are tailored for your small children, my zoos are world-renowned, there are parts of my lesser boroughs where you'd almost be convinced that babies run the show! Bring the whole family, because there's plenty—

OH GOD.
OH GOD.
OH GOD, THIS IS REALLY IT, ISN'T IT?
OH GOD, PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL IN THIS MY FINAL HOUR. PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS AND RECEIVE ME INTO YOUR BOSOM WITH THE COMPASSION AND UNDERSTANDING YOU BESTOW UPON ALL MISERABLE SINNERS. I—

Oh. Just a cloud passing in front of the sun ever so briefly. Wow, I am tense. You have any Klonopin on you? Eh, don't worry about it, I know a guy, I'll have a whole bottle in 30 minutes. That's what's so great about me, you can get anything you want at any time!

Listen, I don't want to cut this short, but I think it's probably for the best if I run up to my apartment and bolt the door and spend the rest of the day watching reruns of "Law & Order," may it rest in peace. I really am just not feeling like myself today. Anyway, let me reiterate: This is the most amazing town in the world. You should totally come spend some time here. Please leave any electronic devices at home though; I don't think my heart could handle it.

See you soon!

Love,
New York City



New York City is comprised of Manhattan and a couple of other places. It is the world's cultural capital. First settled by the Dutch in the 17th century, New York—OH GOD, I THINK I JUST CRAPPED MY PANTS! WHO LEFT THIS BUNDLE OF TIED-UP NEWSPAPERS NEAR A TRASH CAN WHERE IT COULD EASILY BE CONFUSED FOR AN INCENDIARY DEVICE? YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IF I SEE SOMETHING I'M GONNA SAY SOMETHING, PAL! WHAT? FUCK ME? FUCK YOU AND YOUR FAMILY, YOU PIECE OF SHIT. YOU WANNA DANCE? I WILL FUCK YOU UP. BRING IT (continues ad infinitum).

46 Comments / Post A Comment

City_Dater (#2,500)

I work in Times Square. Trust me, we aren't hurting for tourists.

HiredGoons (#603)

I feel your pain.

*hug*

City_Dater (#2,500)

*Sobs*

Thank you.

sigerson (#179)

Isn't it funny that they shut down half the streets in Times Square but it is STILL so maddeningly difficult to get through the hordes of slow-moving fat people? How did they do that? Did MORE of them come to Times Square once they heard about the crappy lawn chairs and umbrellas???

nicole (#2,443)

I used to work on 5th ave across from the empire state bldg. Christmas time was abhorrent, between the empire state bldg, the manhattan mall, macy's, all those big box stores on 34th… ugh. it was terrible. big sympathy for you!

HiredGoons (#603)

we should grab coffee and GLARE sometime.

HiredGoons (#603)

I also used to have my office 5th ave across from the empire state bldg.

Then we moved to Times Square. Or, I should say I moved us.

In a blizzard.

With a pickup truck.

This is NOT the way to lure LeBron to play at MSG.

mmmark (#4,458)

You tyrant!

Dave Bry (#422)

It just occurred to me, looking at that picture of Central Park, there are too many places for terrorists to hide among those trees. We'll have to cut them all down and replace with concrete traffic barriers. Safety comes first.

brent_cox (#40)

Though it just struck me that maybe the terrorists are dressing like concrete traffic barriers. I suggest panic.

hman (#53)

Jersey barriers, right? :)

mrschem (#1,757)

SHHHHHH!

Slava (#216)

I'm not American, but I will come visit you from Toronto in a few weeks. Please don't blow me up :(

oudemia (#177)

OK, but can we fuck with you at the border for a while?

doubled277 (#2,783)

Practice turning your head and coughing. Also, practice anal probbing.

Mindpowered (#948)

I'm white. Should I bring a large handgun? Will I blend in more?

doubled277 (#2,783)

Yes. And here are some more tips!

-Wear an American Flag t-shirt that is 2 sizes too small. Make sure you have a beer gut and that it sticks out under said shirt.
-Have a misspelled sign questioning our President's place of birth.
-Chant something about taxes and your refusal to pay them.

Do this and you'll fit in splendidly.

bshep (#746)

Ok, I'll be there next weekend! Um, so where might I find the guy with the klonopin? Also, when are the Awl office tours?

oudemia (#177)

Everybody has the klonopin! Just approach people and tell them you know this about them. It's part of the local culture to be very insistent about it. Don't be put off!

nicole (#2,443)

oooh! there totally should be awl office tours! i'd pay for one! like with cookies or something!

HiredGoons (#603)

I'll show you the Awl office – just follow me down this dark alley after you stop at the ATM.

tiny dancer (#1,774)

While it seems the students at my future school there are all about the adderall, I am very much interested in the klonopin.

What about cigarettes and bourbon as admission for Awl tours?

David (#192)

After 14 years of living in NYC– where I enjoyed the great luxury of driving my car around the City in peace from time to time (most weekends. NYC is a place where people that drive know how to drive well. I never felt in danger (from driving). I am now "on assignment" (i.e. in denial that I have left NYC) in Miami– and one of the most terrifying things here is driving my car. You should see the things I have seen on the road here! I feel that I am in constant mortal danger when on the road! So now I know that I can better deal with NYC's bomb scares and its dirty-little-secret (a high pedestrian death rate that somehow escapes publication) than drive around here any more than I absolutely have to. Suggest you stay in NYC, and by all means, visit NYC if you can't live there.

nicole (#2,443)

nyc doesn't have a high pedestrian death rate… we lose like less than 200 people a year to being hit by cars. In a city with millions and millions of people! You are more than twice as likely to be the victim of homicide, and we are considered to be one of the safest big cities in the country! Both Brooklyn AND the Bronx are listed in the top 20 safest cities in America-land. I always attributed our low pedestrian deaths to the fact that the cars don't go very fast and people jump out of the way mostly…

I spent a summer in Miami during law school and the driving there is absolutely THE WORST. Worse than Jersey, even! (And that is REALLY saying something, my friends.)
A buddy of mine actually got rear-ended there. By a tractor trailer. While doing 70 on 95!! Terrifying.

BardCollege (#2,307)

"Both Brooklyn AND the Bronx are listed in the top 20 safest cities in America-land." I was unaware that they were cities.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

Dearest New York,

I'd love nothing more than to drive my RV up for the weekend. Are there any places to park?
I want to order one of everything off the menu at Shake Shack and then head over to Momofuku for a pork-belly dessert. Who's Balthazar? A French interior decorator? Has he been on Rachael Ray?

looking forward to seeing you later oh wait, your Stock Market stole lost all my money and I only have $10 left in my bank account which I can't withdraw because your Mortgage Bank is garnishing what's left of my assets.

hearts,
Merica

cinetrix (#47)

I love New York, what a great vacation! Are there any rooms at the Milford Plaza?

petejayhawk (#1,249)

Take the NYT's advice and go to the "culturally-rich metropolis" of Kansas City instead.

"Kansas City: It's Not As Bad As You'd Think!"

Art Yucko (#1,321)

KEEP YOUR GREEDY NEW YORK FINGERS AWAY FROM MY ESTATE SALES.

"You'll need to rent a car."

BardCollege (#2,307)

Why not Manhattan Kansas?

Matt (#26)

Dear Tourists,

Come to DC instead because here, as a pedestrian, the cars are all a'feared of YOU!

-Not Adrian Fenty

P.S. – We've still got Marion Barry!

deepomega (#1,720)

You'd think a city the size of NY would have its own Hurt Locker style emotionally scarred bomb squad to take care of these situations.

They do! And it's apparently full of Purple-Heart-winning Vietnam vets, which I'm guessing is code for "emotionally scarred but tough as fuck."

deepomega (#1,720)

Love the classic NYT straight to the point headline. I'm glad that their experience cost them dearly.

WindowSeat (#180)

Fuck that! The Euro is taking a dive. Will Delta accept accept homemade preserves for the airfare to Italy?

HiredGoons (#603)

"keep my streets free of garbage and clutter."

This is how you do humor people.

nicole (#2,443)

they mean the baby carriages right? sigh. i wish.

Though this was awesome and spot-on, I'm contractually obliged to link to the absolute king of the genre, which Mayor Bloomberg should read in its entirety at every one of his post-latest-"terror"-attack press conferences.

brent_cox (#40)

Tangentially related and recommended: Bruce Schneier on
terrorist scuba divers armed with almanacs
.

BoHan (#29)

OK, so the reason my company is paying out the ass for me to stay in a crap-ass Times Square Hotel next week and I'm buying pepper spray to clear people out of my way and there is absolutely no other decent hotel available anywhere is because all the other hotels have been booked by terrorists? Awesome. Anyway, you've got lots of visitors, at least next week. Probably all in from Connecticut. You are correct to be afraid.

Kevin (#2,559)

From Connecticut? No honey, that's just the day shift.

sigerson (#179)

Who wrote this? My money is on Balk.

ecgroom (#570)

Ahhh – New York…I'll never leave you. You can throw me whatever curve balls you want (like last night – http://bit.ly/apvvQ4 ), I still LOVE YOU.
Kisses,
me.

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