David Cho: Hi Neel. Hmm. There's something different about you. Have you been featured on the hit MTV show The City recently?
Neel Shah: Hilarious. Let's talk about this MOVIE.
Neel: I should preface this conversation with two things:
Neel: 1) I enjoyed the TV series. Which is to say I would watch it when other people would turn it on, and not complain.
David: That's a cute way to justify it.
Neel: 2) I did not entirely hate the first Sex And The City Movie.
David: Have you seen the entire series? (I have. Like, in the last four years.)
David: (Thanks HBO OnDemand and former girlfriend!)
Neel: No. I am familiar with the basic plot lines and character arcs, but I would estimate that I've seen, oh, 40% of the original series?
Neel: SAMANTHA IS THE SLUTTY ONE, RIGHT??
David: So more like 80%.
David: Got it.
Neel: Yes. Like the rule, in which you can safely cut in half the number of women a guy tells you he's slept with.
Neel: Anyway.
David: Yeah, I'm not touching that one.
THE MOVIE
David: What did you think???
Neel: I thought it was perhaps the worst movie I've seen in the past three years.
Neel: Like, I am having a hard time thinking of something I hated more. You were sitting next to me. How many times do you think I checked my BlackBerry?
David: My cellphone battery was dead by the end of the movie.
Neel: The over/under would probably start at 50 times?
Neel: It was epically, cosmically, comically bad.
Neel: Actually not comically bad. There was nothing even remotely funny about its badness.
David: But more specifically, what did you not like?
David: To me, and maybe because I'd already read all of the bad stuff about it, and also because I had drank a fair amount to drink without eating dinner, I thought it was pretty much what I thought it would be?
David: SEX AND THE CITY IS NOT A PARTICULARLY CEREBRAL TV SHOW.
Neel: That is true.
David: Like, was it that far a departure from the TV show?
David: Or the first movie?
Neel: Yes.
David: How?
Neel: The show, in economical episodes, had at least had some pithy dialogue, and made some incisive comments about the nature of female friendship/dating mores/what shoes are totally great.
Neel: This movie, as far as I could tell, was about...
Neel: What, exactly?
David: You're giving the TV series A LOT of credit.
David: So you would say this movie is something other than 7 (it's 2 hours and 20 minutes folks) episodes back-to-back-to-back-to-etc?
Neel: It felt twice as long.
Neel: Look, I'm not saying that a popcorn chick flick like this has to actually "say" anything about anything of even remote significance. But this movie was about what, exactly?
Neel: These four women go to Abu Dhabi.
Neel: Stay in $22k-a-night suites.
Neel: Have their own sexy Arab butlers.
Neel: Drive around in white Maybachs.
Neel: And then flip out when something goes wrong and then they all of a sudden maybe have to fly back to New York IN COACH?
Neel: Come on.
David: To me, I almost think that you could throw this on TV now and people would be okay with it.
David: I MEAN, HAVE YOU SEEN THE ARC WHERE THEY GO TO LA?
David: See, my problem with the movie is less the execution.
David: But more with the premise.
David: I think that women talking about how annoying their kids are and menopause and etc. is less fun and entertaining than them talking about their sexy exploits and foibles!
Neel: Also, what the fuck was with the clothes in that movie?? It was like basically like watching Priscilla Queen of the Desert with more Louis Vuitton.
David: Well, I thought the clothes were alright. There were audible gasps in our crowd when she wore that one Galliano dress.
David: They weren't "horrendous" per se.
David: But we're not really the right people to gauge that.
Neel: Certainly not as horrendous as the puns.
David: Ba-dum-ching!
David: I mean! You say that, but SATC was always about the punnary!
David: Often horrible, horrible punnary!
David: There have been SNL skits about this very fact!
Neel: Maybe it was more palatable in episodic form?
Neel: Michael Patrick King needs to have his pun license taken away. Lawrence of my Labia? Bedouin Bath and Beyond?
David: We're probably retreading on the other reviews that have lambasted the movie better, we should take this to a place where only we can go.
David: A male viewpoint on the characters and how awful they all are!
David: Both in personality and aesthetic!
Next: The Characters!
Nice to hear the Bing Crosby/Bob Hope "Road to ..." movies are making a comeback.
More like "Ishtar"
YOUR LOSS, GLAMOUR!!
Having never seen the show, Kristin Davis is the most attractive one. I'm too lazy to look up which character she plays.
Also, I can't believe you two. WHY?!?
if the series/sequels/prequels/seroquels were nothing but an endless montage of scantily-clad Charlotte, you'd hear zero complaints from me. zilch.
She's the worst actor, though, so it evens out.
I dreamed of Neel/Cho slash and you finally delivered! Swoon!
Patricia Field needs to be brought before the Hague for genocidal crimes against Heterosexual Male Eyeballs
YOU ARE MY FAVORITE AWL COMMENTER, CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?
Ew, get an avatar n00b.
only if I get to sign it with the blood of Darren Star.
Insidery!
Neel, you also Naveen Andrews. Or does he count as British?
Also, what sort of sick bet did you two lose that forced you into seeing this movie?
HAVE. YOU ALSO HAVE NAVEEN ANDREWS.
I need an edit button!
I believe his dad's white, so not sure he gets a spot on the roster.
But we do have Alec Baldwin's assistant on 30 Rock.
And that funny shortish dude on Parks & Recreation?
Gah! Aziz Ansari!
Danny Pudi? Aasif Mandvi?
Danny Pudi is half Polish! And is also completely awesome.
HOW CAN YOU HERETICS LEAVE OUT ADORABLE SHINY-HAIRED CUTIEPIE COMEDY GODDESS MINDY KALING?
I thought we were just doing a roundup of bros? ("Ilk"= ambiguous!)
Also, Kunal Nayyar.
And the guy from Heroes! God, he was gorgeous. (Well, still is, I assume. But I stopped watching that show after, like, the first season.)
Vijay Amritraj! OH GOD, REALLY, HMAN?
No no no. Irrepressible scamp and acquaintance of Mr. SICHA, Mr. AJAY NAIDU. Accept no substitutes.
Sir Ben Kingsley! I know it is a bit of a stretch, but his real name is Krishna Pandit Bhanji. Also, I love him. And has been knighted. What more would you like?
Irrfan Khan FTW.
I hope you guys were icing each other while this was going on.
that's the only way I could ever last the duration of this movie.
Pre-icing and post-icing is necessary, too. Basically standing at the foot of a waterfall of Smirnoff, mouth open, looking at a movie screen out of the corner of one eye. That's the only way.
Maybe just direct the Smirnoff waterfall into one's eye, for more efficient absorption of the alcohol? Smirnoff into one eyeball, Kim Cattrall yelping into the other?
I can't wait for these two trends to intersect:
"Devotees claim that 'vodka eyeballing' induces drunkenness faster than drinking it can, because it passes easily through the mucous membrane and enters the bloodstream directly through veins at the back of the eye, although some experts are sceptical about the claims and believe that since those who do it are usually already drunk, they simply convince themselves that it's having such an effect."
Eyecing.
I think we're on to something here... who's going to register the Tumblr?
A couple weeks ago when I was home for my sister's college graduation, my dad got a little drunk and told me that when he was like fourteen, he and his friends would drop acid in their eyes because it worked faster that way.
So. There's that.
The "How to Survive an Affair" ad currently on my sidebar seems particularly telling.
Also, 404 error for the Neel video! I DEMAND NEEL VIDEO!
It should be fixed now? Sorry!
Aw, bless!
(I'm not sure how I feel about having to sit through an entire episode, though.)
Just take an NYC taxi and actually watch the backseat video, and you'll see him soon enough.
I'm afraid it's become Pavlovian response to hit "off" as soon as I can on those things, m'dear.
(Also also, I'm taking "watching Kim Catrall yelp" as a knowing wink to Porky's -- and I will not hear otherwise!)
Also posting about Kim Catrall getting banged in a SATC movie is not a spoiler.
TRUE FACT, kitten.
I just can't believe this train wreck is over two hours.
I'm speechless; and you all know it takes a lot to get me to shut up.
I'm a lady who watched the first SITC movie and wanted to push them all down stairs. I thought the shows were tawdry and kind of cute, but the first movie was a shallow parade of bat shit crazy, selfish and entitled brats acting like mean teenagers.
I'd rather walk through a parking lot full of wale vomit than see part two.
Your review was brilliant.
Wale's vomit? You mean Solange?
Or ambergris?
Also: that poster makes her look like Gozer.
I love you more with every passing day. (Be my keymaster.)
I assume that makes you the keymaster?
Between this review, the earlier one today, and the one I read in the Village Voice on the way home tonight, it's become some kind of Aristocrats joke of review writing. I now want to collect and read them all. But never, ever see the movie.
I've been doing that, reading every scathing review I can find on this movie. It's wonderful.
(The scathing reviews are wonderful. Not the movie, which I will not see).
my favorite so far... http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/burkas-and-birkins/Content?oid=4132715
ugh. didn't realize that review was already linked and quoted. on the main page:(
The one in the Times of Ireland compares it to the Are You Being Served? movie: http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/theticket/2010/0528/1224271261315.html
Let's collect them all!!!! It's a long weekend, and I plan on sitting outside reading but I'm lacking a good trashy novel so I'll have to make my own.
So mad impactful.
I have to step in to point out that most women feel about Steve the way that most men feel about Carrie. Douchechills.
He's whiny and unattractive. Actually there were/are no attractive men in SATC except for model Samantha was banging.
Going back to the days of the TV show, didn't Miranda dump Blair Underwood for Steve? Yeah, that would happen.
Way back when he was first on the show (or even right before he was on the show?) he sat across from me on the subway in from Queens. I thought he was adorable!
You forget Ron Livingston's brief turn as Carrie's boyfriend. I'm very attracted to his eyebrows.
F* SATC2-
Is it normal to sit across from Erin and not correct her facial expressions?
Does Olivia have a pulse in person???
The director was on the Daily Show last week. He was adorable (coming out story) with a subtext of knowing he's going to hell for this movie.
Anyone feel like buying these two a round for having to sit through this?
-slams a passel of Jacksons on the table-
I'm not going to sit here and front that I didn't watch every episode, but as the show went on, it was really sad to see the characters grow more and more repulsive and caricatured. I was relieved when it was over, and never had even a twinge to see the first movie, and definitely won't see the second.
Why does every woman always answer The Question with "I'm Carrie!"? She's an irresponsible twit without an ounce of self-awareness, breezing through life on being "cute." She's just awful! And a shitty writer to boot.
I really think they missed the mark with Samantha. They grew too enamored of making her more and more "outrageous" and "sexually liberated" without giving her an actual functional emotional life, and couldn't even address that lack.
I actually think Miranda and Charlotte are the best two, but they still were really annoying a lot of the time.
For a show that's supposed to be for and about women, it is kind of amazing that the men come out looking much better. I mean, Big is an asshole, but Carrie is an even worse twit. Steve is adorable (and I will not hear otherwise, and it made me SO MAD when I heard they had him cheat in the first movie, because it was just to make Miranda look better), Smith was sweet, and Harry is a mensch. Can't someone have a show where both men and women get to be awesome?
What makes me even sadder is that, supposedly, the women are really just gay men who were cast with female actors. This depresses me about my tribe. Gay men, can't we be better? EVERYONE, can't we be better?
I honestly think it's just the one gay man -- Michael Patrick King -- to blame. Darren Star? That gay man wrote a damn good show for a while, I think. It's a shame what's become of his legacy.
My wife often wonders sadly why more women don't say "I'm Miranda!". She's the successful lawyer who bought her own apartment.
Well, Miranda is the "ugly" one, so who wants to be her? Though, really, I always thought it was criminal the way they seemed determined to make Cynthia Nixon look the absolute worst they possibly could. Sadly, I think the hair is on her, but the clothes they put on her! Specifically designed to make her a frump.
Also, while I think she's the most admirable in terms of having a successful career and being independent, her emotional brittleness and judgmentalness isn't terribly attractive. Girls want to be pretty and wear pretty dresses, not an old frump in a potato sack who's mean to everyone! Don't you know anything?
Dorothy: Agreed about MPK vs. DS. It's so weird, because he was so charming on The Daily Show just two weeks ago.
I don't know how I know this, but Cynthia Nixon is a blonde and they made her go red for the movie. I was always PO'd that the writers made her so neurotic and uptight, because otherwise she'd be someone I might actually want to hang out with.
Sorry, I meant they made her go red for the TV show. Urgh.
I was really talking more about her cut/style than her color. I love redheads, actually!
I would rather see The Human Centipede. Fact.
I would like to quote my neighbor Frank, an avowed heterosexual: "Ah, they look like a bunch of skinny old whores [pronounced "who-ers"].
Were there any explosions?
are you sure these guys are straight?
Nice article. Haven't seen it myself but it sounds vile. Any movie with puns in it can't be good. This British film critic had a rant about it inciting both misogyny and class-war, which I guess is actually somewhat impressive.
I just read there's a RUGBY TEAM in this movie. Since when do they play rugby in Abu Dhabi? You can't play rugby on sand, it's too hard for scrummages.
Does this mean you;re going to find Two Actual Lesbians to review The Expendables?
their own sexy Arab butlers + Arab dudes with waxed torsos = SCREENCAPS SCREENCAPS SCREENCAPS
I'm a woman and I have never EVER thought Sarah Jessica Parker was attractive.
But as to women's ability to assess other women's attractiveness....I think that might have to do with most women's tendency to throw likability into the equation. People whom we think are fantastic are automatically more attractive. So perhaps guys ought to give these "hot" friends a chance and see if they have compensatory qualities.
Just sayin'.