Friday, April 9th, 2010

"Sexual Hijinks in Sox Park Bathroom Taint Opening Day" Breaks Awl Staff

Alex Balk: Wow.
Choire: It's… hard to know where to start with this! And I'm torn about whose beat this is?

Choire: 1. blowjobs = you? 2. bathroom blowjobs = me? 3. kids / sports = you? 4. taint = ???
Balk: Is it even a blowjob situation though?
Choire: NOT SURE?
Balk: Would you not see two pairs of legs in a blowjob scenario?
Choire: Only if you're doing it wrong. If you knew what you were doing, one person would be standing or kneeling on the seat.
Balk: This is like blowjob forensic science.
Choire: I haven't had to do this much investigative work since the great toe-tapping incident.
Balk: "As they waited, Nemeth said, he noticed noises coming from the last stall. A man's legs – clad in blue jeans and sneakers – were sticking out from under the stall door. 'The toes were pointing up,' said Nemeth. 'The legs were shaking and quivering. From a visual standpoint, all you had to see was the legs quivering to know something was going on.'
Choire: This is how newspapers fail us! So many details, but somehow all the wrong ones.
Balk: See, the eyewitness account seems to indicate penetrative sex: "'This guy will talk about this experience for the rest of his life,' said Nemeth, sarcastically. 'How he did it in the bathroom at a Sox game. What a man.'"
Choire: Oh! "Did it"! That's what you people call it. I breezed past that… His toes were "pointing up" and then…. Huh. You people do it weird.

(Link via like everyone, including here and here and here)

73 Comments / Post A Comment

"The guy in the stall isn't a man. He's protoplasm in a T-shirt, smelling of beer."

I hope it was mutual protoplasm.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

Scurrying-Woman certainly treated Not-a-Dad to an extra helping of protoplasm on his hot dog. And quite possibly, his t-shirt. This much, we can be sure of.

rj77 (#210)

You had me at "taint."

laurel (#4,035)

If you forward one Awl story all day, let it be this one.

Moff (#28)

The guy in the stall isn't a man. He's protoplasm in a T-shirt, smelling of beer.

And I doubt that he's a dad.


And I doubt that he's a dad.

Well, maybe he wasn't when he went into the stall…

Matt (#26)

#A REAL HOME RUN b/w "That's what you people call it."


Art Yucko (#1,321)

-holds arms up in triumph-

Emily (#20)

Also, "and I doubt that he's a dad." But … isn't that how people become dads? I think it was a great opportunity for the complainy dad to explain to his son that sometimes when a man and woman love each other very much and want to be as close as two people can be, the man has to bend the woman over and eff her near a toilet.

I didn't get a copy of that popup book until I was like 11 though.

conklin (#364)


All I can picture is a dude sitting on the floor (male legs visible, toes pointed up) of a ballpark restroom. Or possibly he was sitting on the toilet? Cunnilingus? Need plan views and stall cross-sections!

Yeah, I'm not sure about the mechanics here either. Admittedly, my only relevant experience is once gettin' busy in a Burger King bathroom.

Ionah (#62)

She only comes when she's on top.

deepomega (#1,720)

The toes brought to mind the wicked witch trapped under a house until her legs shrivel up. Which is hard for me to eroticize, personally?

dailyny (#3,326)

His toes pointing up would mean he was laying on the bathroom floor in a disgusting ballpark men's room getting a blow job? Was his head resting on the toilet?

KarenUhOh (#19)

You fools. It's the White Sox.

The guy was giving birth.

NoNoNo (#2,207)

Absolutely know you're from Chicago. Too funny.

oudemia (#177)


conklin (#364)

We're absolutely positive that this was sexual hijinks and not a medical emergency? From the evidence provided I'm leaning toward the latter.

KarenUhOh (#19)

Also? It's Sox fans. If that's really a lady in a stall in the Mens, your avg. besotted Sout Side Hitmen will form their line outside that particular stall.

laurel (#4,035)

Seriously. Maybe he was having some sort of infarction?

Annie K. (#3,563)

Or seizure.

Miles Klee (#3,657)

everyone's reading the headline wrong. 'park' is the verb and 'taint' is the noun.

katiechasm (#163)

Bathroom Taint Opening Day has been ruined forever.

jolie (#16)

One pair of toes pointing up? One pair of legs seen under the stall? I'm going with 69 here.

conklin (#364)

Wait, vertical or horizontal?

Dave Bry (#422)

Like, a keg stand?

jolie (#16)

Horizontal – what I'm imagining is that you wouldn't see the other pair of legs because they'd be jammed up against the back wall of the stall? or bent upwards at the knees to accomodate the shape of the stall? Just… picture that. Right??? Not totally out of the realm of possibility.

skahammer (#587)

You just got like a million drinks bought for you, in advance.

Tyler Coates (#451)

This would never happen at Wrigley Field.

KarenUhOh (#19)

Hell, no, not in the can, anyhow. In the bleachers.

Matt (#26)

The cheap seats-blowjob is a registered trademark of RFK Stadium.

Bittersweet (#765)

At Fenway it's catfights.

Andrew Gauthier (#3,713)

First the 'American Idiot' BJ story and now this. We're basically one more instance away from a 'Dateline' investigation into public fellatio.

mgw (#89)

Let's not blow things out of proportion.

mrschem (#1,757)


"As a trained physician, he had an idea what was happening in there …"

They teach the stall-blowjob unit in the first year of med school. It's a prerequisite for more-advanced course, "Glory Holes 101."

myfanwy (#1,124)

Doesn't hurt to have some education in Public Fellations.

kneetoe (#1,881)

The stall at a baseball stadium: the poors' mile-high club.

Also, sounds like she had the good sense to not be the one coming (heh) into contact with the floor.

"I'll let anyone fuck me in the toilet– anyone but Ryan Air!"

hman (#53)

How could it have been a blowjob if she was able to yell, "HEY STOP!"?

johnpseudonym (#1,452)

I think blow jobs in the bathrooms are a step up from fans running onto the field to try and beat up coaches. Silly Indiana Black Sox.

kneetoe (#1,881)

The only way to get to the bottom of this is a reeneactment.

What I find most disturbing about this story is that is sounds like he was sitting on the floor while this was going on? The idea of sitting on a ballpark bathroom floor, with your pants at least partly down, is something I don't ever want to think about again. (Can your feet reach under the door like that if you're sitting on the seat? Perhaps I'm not understanding the mechanics of this adequately.)

Totally. The barnyard smells in there alone should be the ultimate boner-killer.

cherrispryte (#444)

I am having issues with the mechanics of this as well. I sort of would like a stick figure drawing of how this works? "Toes pointed up" just reminds me of the Wicked Witch of the East when Dorothy lands in Oz.

deepomega (#1,720)

Hah! Great minds think about bathroom fucking alike, cherri.

DoctorDisaster (#1,970)

My guess: man sits on toilet, legs straightened, feet pointing under the door. Woman sits on man, facing him. I can do a stick drawing if you want.

The stalls would be pretty small. Actually sitting on the floor, your legs would be so far out you'd be tripping people, and there would be almost nowhere for your lady friend to go. So at least that nightmarish scenario seems pretty unlikely.

deepomega (#1,720)

But who would sit with their legs straightened I guess is my question! It's just begging for problems!

Bittersweet (#765)

There are problems enough in this scenario without worrying about dude's knee joints.

Cherri & Doctor

He sits on toilet she faces him on his lap with feet against the wall. Though he must have very long legs and she would have to be light enough to bounce.

deepomega (#1,720)

Kitten – this would at least explain the "quivering"

cherrispryte (#444)

So we're talking coitus, not BJ's ….. that makes more sense. Sort of?

DoctorDisaster (#1,970)

@kitten: EXACT. Although she would probably be sitting up to avoid hitting her head on the door.

@deepomega: The knees straight thing would be more a consequence of the guy's instinct to straighten his waist. If I get any more specific than that, we may veer into WHOA TMI territory.

KarenUhOh (#19)

The thing is, this M.D. probably didn't think twice about letting his kid piss in the sink.

Lost in all of this is how utterly fucking miraculous it is that someone could get a hard-on in a stadium bathroom. It's like fucking in a Port-a-Let.

k-rex (#2,909)

I smell fake story. Or at the least, fake writer.

Morbo (#1,288)

You, sir, have never been to a White Sox game.

deepomega (#1,720)

On thinking about this more, I'm reminded of nothing more than the scene in The Wire's fifth season where Gus grows suspicious of the story about a wheelchair-bound inner city youth going to opening day. Too many details don't fit!

Miles Klee (#3,657)

god you made me angry about that fictional journalistic ethics fiasco all over again

Art Yucko (#1,321)

As long as George Brett and Excess Pine-Tar weren't involved, I'm okay with it.

Rick Alfaro (#4,345)

Ever seen the floor of a ballpark bathroom?


JHenryWaugh (#212)

A line–spoken in a ballpark bathroom no less–from the classic of American cinema Opportunity Knocks seems to apply.

"Blowers bad. Paper towels good."

Crantastical (#4,127)

I'm picturing the bathroom sex scene from Dead Snow.

riotnrrd (#840)

Augh. Thanks for that reminder. I have never rooted so hard for horror movie characters to die as during that scene.

omg, am so sexually frustrated, that i kind of got a little chub reading this at work? tmi? anyway: I like that line, AS A TRAINED PHYSICIAN. lol. like, you have to have an md to know someones getting blown in a bathroom stall. and "apparently female" !! there's more reporting on ontd for bieber's sake.

Clip Arthur (#2,024)

As a trained physician!

That's all I have to say.

Damn. I'm totally sure this is how Buehrle wanted his historic defensive play to be "honored". This neanderthal was probably too wasted/preoccupied with his stall-sex to even care.

Plus, I am personally affected. My fiance is a Cubs fan and I'm going to hear bad jokes about this until our 30th anniversary at least.

Post a Comment