Thursday, April 15th, 2010

Playtex: Lifting And Separating The Ridiculous From The Even More Ridiculous

ackLast night I caught a very strange commercial for Playtex's 18-Hour Bra — "strange" because it didn't focus on the lifting and separating ability of the undergarment (i.e. its most important assets) (at least to this potential bra-buyer), but its cooling properties. A parade of brassiered ladies stood in front of a white background and recounted stories about excessive breast-borne heat, with one woman going so far as to try and stick her chest into a freezer. (I don't know about the other members of the bra-buying demographic in the Awl audience, but I have never had this problem, at least not outside of the context of normally sweaty days! Perhaps this is some overly conceptualized way to combat the still-existent idea of "bra-burners"?) In an effort to find this commercial, I made my way over to the Playtex site, which seems to be the result of some brainstorming session during which the phrase "a more self-aware Cathy" probably cropped up. Ack!

Perhaps the most disturbing/troubling/whaaaa-inducing of the videos within (of which there are many) is a small one embedded at the bottom of the site's homepage. It seems to be called "you gotta work it…" and it starts off with a woman dispensing the wisdom that it is probably a bad idea for one to put on a bra when one happens to be super-drunk. Edgy! And maybe true for those people whose motor coordination completely disintegrates after they've belted back a few. But then it devolves into…

"You also don't want to put on a bra in front of a man. Because you really want to get those suckers in there, you know what I mean? And when you put it on in front of a man, you have to go, 'Oh my God, look how cute and perky I am!' "

Now I would think that if one is in a position to put a bra on in front of a man, the whole illusion of cute perkiness has been kind of stripped bare? No? Before that question can be answered, another woman chimes in:

"Never do anything in front of a man that you don't have to. That is my rule for life."

Somehow she does not go on to talk about shoes! The spot then devolves into a discussion of being able to conceal items like contact-lens cases and cell phones inside these bras, which I would think is a deterrent? Like, I don't know about you, but I don't want a bra with enough sag to fit my phone and keys and wallet and contact-lens gear (hello, solution??) without there being some sort of noticeable bulge. Who does? The pocketbook-averse? People who are hoping to charm potential partners by youthfully applying their lipstick like Molly Ringwald's Breakfast Club character?

46 Comments / Post A Comment

I'm sorry, what was this about?

scroll_lock (#4,122)

See, if they focused on the lifting and separating they'd prevent the kind of friction that causes breastesses overheating- causing spontaneous comBUSTion.

saythatscool (#101)

Bra look, let's not start pulling stuff out of your pun bags. It brings up bad mammaries.

scroll_lock (#4,122)

@saythats: I'm have a gland old time, though.

saythatscool (#101)

Tits just that I end up looking like a real boobie when I get all touchy-feely about that stuff.

scroll_lock (#4,122)

Then nip it in the bud, bud.

Slava (#216)

Wait. What's wrong with putting on bras in front of us?! Is that some kind of 'thing'?!

irishbreakfast (#4,123)

It's men like you that block the progress of feminism. Lout.

irishbreakfast (#4,123)

I'm still trying to figure out the "separate" part of "lift and separate." I have two separate boobs; I believe this is standard issue. What needs separating? Explain that and we can move on to discussing this "heat" thing.

There are some bras out there that are so poorly designed they turn the two breasts into a sort of … single sausage.

irishbreakfast (#4,123)

I knew it! There's always a dick involved. "Single sausage" my ass.

jolie (#16)

I believe "uniboob" is the polite term for it.

cherrispryte (#444)

@jolie yes. I was in fact just about to say this.

Also – most common with sports bras.

irishbreakfast (#4,123)

I stopped being polite when they told me I shouldn't put my bra on when I'm drunk.

Bittersweet (#765)

Drunk bra'ing is a serious problem affecting our nation. There should be an awareness campaign.

kneetoe (#1,881)

I would think getting drunk and losing the bra would be the more interesting scenario, at least potentially. Putting on clothes while drunk should not be that hard.

sox (#652)

If I am going to be really drunk, I will not be wearing a bra. My best guy friend says this is the key to getting laid.

Crantastical (#4,127)

Only cash goes in my bra.

cherrispryte (#444)

I store things in my bra. Usually my phone at a party, so I can feel it if it buzzes, but also money, ID/credit cards, and sometimes other things. This is probably indicative of poorly-fitting bras, but there's always sort of a gap where the strap starts in the front, and I can tuck a few SMALL things in there without it being too noticeable. Also boobs are squishy – they can make room for things.

irishbreakfast (#4,123)

I want "Boobs Are Squishy" as a bumper sticker.
(Sorry, I'll go take my meds now…)

Tuna Surprise (#573)

Except you forget what you put in there and whilst taking your bra off at 2 30 in the morning things go crashing to the floor. Or even worse, they remain stuck to the boobs after the bra is off and need to be individually peeled off.

cherrispryte (#444)

@Tuna – ah, the old "emergency twenty stuck to the boobs at the end of the night" issue. Usually by that point, I've forgotten that I put money in there, and I'm all "hey, 20 bucks!"

kneetoe (#1,881)

Now you have to write about something MANLY or it will look like you're only covering the lady issues. Or, on second thought, keep writing about breasts, nothing at all wrong with that.

scroll_lock (#4,122)

@kneetoe: I'd like a post about mansierres.

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

> mansierres

Need new word. This one looks like it should rhyme with concierge. Malegerie? Hebra?

Do you mean "bros"?

scroll_lock (#4,122)


kneetoe (#1,881)

Seems like the right forum to disclose that I'm not wearing any manties.

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

Easy now. Mansierres is fine. No harm no foul. Put down the gun. Back away from the fries.

scroll_lock (#4,122)

That's okay. Your garter belt's nice, though.

scroll_lock (#4,122)

Didn't see the episode, hmm?

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

I had the part of my memory devoted to Seinfeld removed — it was overheating every time I tried to figure out whether I had actually experienced something or just seen Jerry and George etc etc.

scroll_lock (#4,122)

@dntsqz: I know the feeling. And while waiting at restaurants I still think "Five, ten minutes."

scroll_lock (#4,122)

Goldie Hawn never had this prollum.

City_Dater (#2,500)

Playtex wearers tend to be at the menopausal end of the bra-wearing demographic, and I'm guessing that a bra with cooling properties is a good thing for these badass knife-wielding middle-aged ladies we keep hearing about when they are in the midst of hot flashes.

Not that I would know for sure, since I am "perimenopausal" — short-tempered and intolerant, but still fertile.

scroll_lock (#4,122)

@cityd: Jane Russell would know just what to do!

Bittersweet (#765)

I want "Short-tempered and intolerant, but still fertile" on a bumper sticker.

sailor (#396)

Forget about the cooling properties of bras, how about panties?

Meat-pole Tarzan (#4,312)

This is right along the line of "ok, you have this gross problem, that's unfortunate. But I don't need to hear about it."

Like overactive bladder disorder or oozing wounds or something.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

After some careful consideration, I've come to the conclusion that I'm 300% in support (heh) of anything that is in the best interest of Tits, especially where new and improved package design is involved. Or better yet, no packaging whatsoever. …that is all.

Baboleen (#1,430)

I've noticed that women tend to call them "boobs" and men, "tits."

garge (#736)

Long time no see, Baboleen! missed u

Baboleen (#1,430)

Work. Busy. Thanks.

MikeBarthel (#1,884)

Frankly, if they can cool the wearer, they should be able to shoot freeze rays at other people.

bronwyn (#3,351)

Is there something wrong with my endocrine system that I don't suffer from over-heated boobs? Cold ones, now there's another story. I could certainly get behind somesort of thermal warming underwear device.

Michele (#4,988)

Well, first, you have to have boobs larger than an A cup to know that, YES, the 'girls' do get uncomfortably hot sometimes. Any bra that helps that is welcome news to many women who have breasts larger than what a bandaid could cover. The only thing "ridiculous", is the writer of the ignorant article.

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