Are Our Kids Too Fat To Become The Hired Killers Of The Future?
A group of retired military officers has identified perhaps the most disturbing repercussion of our national obesity epidemic thus far: School lunches are making the youth of today so fat that they are unfit for military service, which makes the issue a threat to national security.
Noted former Joint Chiefs chair Gen. John M. Shalikashvili, "Since 1995, the proportion of recruits who failed their physical exams because they were overweight has risen by nearly 70 percent. We need to reverse this trend, and an excellent place to start is by improving the quality of food served in our schools," where students are estimated to receive 40% of their daily calories. While it is indeed worrisome that our high-calorie lunches might prevent the dull-eyed, sexting youth of today from becoming the IED fodder of tomorrow, remember this: Predator drones always stay trim. If a couple of extra villages need to be bombed accidentally because our kids are too tubby to pull the trigger face to face, it's probably a small price to pay. I mean, on our part. The people in the mistakenly bombed villages probably have a different opinion.
Private Pile finally figured out how to handle his rifle.
George Saunders had a good Shouts/Murmurs riff on this recently: http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2010/01/25/100125sh_shouts_saunders?currentPage=all
Beat me to it. Lord, that man is so hilarious.
Shalikashvili's initial recommendation was to drop fatties from airplanes. They can cause major damage on impact (think shockwaves). The problem is that there's probably enough HFCS in 'em to be regulated under the Chemical Weapons Convention.
But I thought that was the whole point of Drone warfare- Chubby lil' Chaden (a variant of Jaden, in case you were wondering- can just zap all those bad guys with on the big-screen whilst his well-trained, nimble sausage fingers do all the jamming on his Playstation controller! -Could somebody bring Chaden another 60oz Coke, please?
Really, because I thought the strategy of making the food taste so bad that no one would eat it was working.
You can blame the school lunches all you want, but the All Volunteer Force has a particular appeal to young gentlemen who "swallow a lot of anger–and a lot of pizza," according to one.
You know who's really skinny, Army? Gay kids.
But the Army's colors are just so … drab. That's why I wanted to join the Navy. Blue and gold? YES.
Teaching kids to pull the trigger at a younger age would solve both problems at once.
Violence is too overated in this country. sigh
I meant underated. This joke is ruined!
Really looking forward to the application of corporate management theory to military command oh waitneverm ind thx sry
Also morbidly obese: the military-industrial complex!
The "if you want money thrown at an issue, make it a security problem" is a tactic that's been used for ages. Well done on the better school lunch crowd for finally figuring out an angle.
Well put.
Now if we can only figure out how to make UGG Boots a threat to National Security.
UGGs = massive threat of falling arches. Done.
And flat-footed soldiers can't march for their country!
My uncle didn't go to Vietnam because of his flat feet.
Was your uncle too fond of his Uggs?
Solution: longer recess and gym classes where you get to fight each other.