The first thing they teach you in Internet School is "babies or boobies," i.e., showing either one of those is a surefire way to manipulate traffic. (The second thing they teach you is "8 Ways To Write A Headline"). Because I am a rebel who plays by his own rules and won't be bound by the strictures that force others to serve the cruel master that is SEO, I don't really care that much about either of those lessons, but I will say this: Babies are freaking adorable, and some days you just want to share images of them, even if putting them in a post does seem like a tawdry way to maximize pageviews. So here's a "Today Show" thing about two sisters in Nebraska who make a living by taking pictures of newborns. It is pretty much porn for your ovaries. (Or at least the first 2:10 is, after that it gets all interviewy.) Babies! So cute!
Thursday, April 8, 2010
25
blergh. take your babies and stuff them up your vag!
Babies and Denton's memos are two things to which way too much attention is paid on the internet.
Needs more boobies.
You guys need to re-publish " The Gawker Exclusive: How the Internet
Works" by "The Awl Editor Choire Sicha"!
this
I thought we hated your kids?
I, for one, most definitely hate your kids. The next mutilated Nerf ball I find in my backyard will be melted down (with a blowtorch, cuz I'm hard like that) to a charred mcnugget which I will then force said kid to eat, with no Ranch sauce.
There is no such thing as a sleeping baby. They scream, nonstop, and while screaming they go red in the face, drool and poop (insert obligatory reference to Balk/Choire here). The babies in that video are on quaaludes.
There's no way you can keep a baby still like that. The little known fact is that most of those babies are dead, taxidermic babies.
:(
STOP IT, You're gonna make Bristol Palin cry.
There is a few-week window, right after birth, where the little fvckers still sleep all of the time. It's all uphill from there until they're 30 years old.
Word.
We're having another one a month from tomorrow! As they say in the films, I'm getting too old for this shit.
Congratulations! At least you'll have 3 weeks of peace before the 30 years of misery...
I find babies about as attractive as the thought of my mom naked. (Which is not at all.)
Babies!
Coming Soon:
How To Cook A Fucking Baby.
there's no wrong way to cook a baby. just serve a nice wine.
That's gonna be on TheAwl After Dark, the Playboy-sponsored adults-only blog. It's only legally allowed to run between midnight and six in the morning.
They're all right, I guess, but puppies are just way more fun.
By puppies you mean boobies, right?
You trying to get laid, Balk? Because you might as well be repurposing Cute Overload content.
These women are wrong. Not all babies are cute. Some (not saying my son, necessarily) come out into the world looking like skinny, yellow aliens with pointy heads. They are then diagnosed with jaundice and given something called a "Billy Belt", which is an odd looking thing you wrap around the middle of your child. It's like a giant sash made out of neon lights with a long cord. And then you plug your child into the wall. Said child looks now looks like an ugly, yellow, alien Gloworm. And then the jaundice goes away and you can threaten your now 12-year old child with posting pictures of him nude, lit up and plugged into the wall on his FB page if he doesn't clean his room.
Hypothetically.
*snort*
Typical stage parent fasttracking her kid into a lifetime of porn: Face the camera, baby. Yeah, give it to me, baby! More drool! More drool! Now pout like you mean it! Oh yeah..HOT! These pics are gonna make you a star!!!
Not sure this qualifies as a scandal, but the TODAY SHOW did this exact same story back in September (http://www.twirlit.com/2009/09/11/sleeping-babies-tracy-raver-photography-on-today-show/). Aren't TV producers generally supposed to wait a year before repackaging the same story?