From: Balk
Subject: Listen up, douchebags
To: notes@theawl.com
Date: Friday, March 26, 2010, 3:30 PM
You might have seen a story that two gay dudes were fighting at a welfare office. The source: some blog that posted a video of two gay dudes fighting at a welfare office.
Now our default stance is obscurantism. Choire Sicha (sorry, Choire) did a typical Awly item. It's done as a compare-and-contrast post, dripping with the author's implication that he's upset and showing two videos — both strangely described.
J-Setting Marmaduke Welfare Office Cat Fight Video Dance-Off
6 new visitors. Pretty pathetic considering we're talking about the intrinsic hotness of the subject, which, I will remind you, is gay dudes fighting at a welfare office.
Now I'm not arguing that we should champion the idea of homosexual fisticuffs at government benefits offices. But this video had a bit more going for it than usual: gay dudes fighting at a welfare office. And we can inject some clarity, which might improve the chance the story gets passed around.
One possibility: just make the post an explainer and ask a question in the headline. Try this: Want To See Something Awesome? Or, How Cool Is This Video Of Gay Dudes Fighting At A Welfare Office? Or, Gay Dudes Fighting At Welfare Offices: A Look Back? Or even, Are There Naked Pictures Of Megan Fox Underneath This Video Of Gay Dudes Fighting At The Welfare Office? The answer might be No. (Particularly if you go with the Megan Fox title.)
But let's at least encourage the readers to get as far as our answer — rather than turning them away at the headline. I know that's what makes you "cool," and "hip," and "different," but I am tired of doing this every day and I want to sell this fucker as soon as possible. You're so obsessed by the nearby hills (being "arty" and "not the usual clickwhoring site") that you're missing the summit (GAY DUDES FIGHTING AT A WELFARE OFFICE). Me needs monies, stop fucking it up.
Now if you'll excuse me I need to forward this memo on to various media blogs to help maintain my reputation as The Evilest Employer Ever. If you need me I'll be cackling maniacally in the back.
I enjoyed this a lot.
Shit. I'm ashamed. I thought it was a set-up for Owen Wilson eating Alpo.
What evidence do you have, sir, to prove that those gentelmen are gay? They are neither wearing signs saying so nor having gay sex.
After reading the Czech gay porn exposé, I'm not so sure the gay sex rules anything out.
There were two gay dudes fighting at the welfare office? After watching the Marmaduke trailer, I assumed the first one was just a clip for a Frank & Earnest movie. I'll go back and check it out. Thanks!
Eh. Looks like it would make a good Franks & Earnest movie to me.
Like a 2D internet Möbius strip
I thought this was going to explain 'j-setting'
That is certainly what had me click through. But perhaps that was the point....
HIS STRATEGY WORKED!
And yet still not a clue as to the meaning. As an American, I demand a full explanation for everything up front!
As a North American I second this.
Please see the Wikipedia entry for "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)".
Thanks! I read The Awl because it really challenges me to think about the world in new ways. I shall now try to view the weekend through the filter of a worldview open to new and exciting "flamboyant lead-and-follow dance style(s)."
Wait, I can't decide if I want to go with:
That guy was gay?
OR
That was a guy?
help ...
And why weren't we tipped in the headline that Fergie is a total dog?
Classic. Just classic.
This right here, this should be the revival of the daily newsletter.
Um, can we get a video of the Awl Office Catfight that will follow this?
And then a video where cat and cat's bird and dog frieds all talk and surf and stuff.
@HiredGoons: Someone hand Balk a bagel stick and suggest he heat it in Choire's new toaster!!! COME ON, CHO! GRAB THE VIDEO CAMERA! HUGE PAGEVIEWS!!
@jolie: ONLY IF IT IS SMOTHERED IN CHEESE. AMERICAN CHEESE PRE-SLICE; NO GOOD CHEESE.
"WHAT DO I DO IF I WANT CHEESE TOAST?"
"ASLFKHALSKHSFKLH GET AWAY FROM ME WITH YOUR 'CHEESE TOAST' YOU FAT FUCK. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IS IN THAT CHEESE?"
"WHY DON'T YOU GO WRITE ABOUT IT IN YOUR LITTLE 'SOMETIMES IT'S ABOUT CHEESE' NEWSLETTER... OH THAT'S RIGHT!"
Then Choire sucks down a can of Ocean Spray cranberry sauce, and he and Balk sit across the room from each other in their respective chairs, glaring at each other over the pile of sweaters and chain smoking.
While Cat stands on top of the sweaters kneading them.
fin.
god-damned brilliant.
Thank you for the memo that saved the internet!
Don't you wish you actually got emails like this? (No, you don't.)
Only if they came with an inspirational quote superimposed over an image. That stuff is huge.
I CAN HAZ MI TYME OF THE MUNTH
Balk, quit mansplaining.
Did not receive. Plz check email fwding.
Where's the "INTRINSIC HOTNESS" tag?
I went to Yahoo Pipes and built a custom RSS feed for all posts with the tag "THIS IS ACTUALLY HOW CHO THINKS BTW" so I can be extra certain never to miss any of the pro-tips.
He is some pig!?
I am not afraid to be servicey, so here's a link to help reduce any "insidery-induced puzzlement" going on out there:
http://www.poynter.org/forum/view_post.asp?id=14046
You're welcome.
That was very helpful. Thank you.
Thanks. Now can someone please explain what J-Setting is?
Oh. Talk about Dog Whistle posting.
About 1.8 people would actually get this.
Thank you! I take Nick's suggestion to be that blogs should be like any other tabloidy-teaser. Which is revolutionary! Or...
Is being like any other tabloidy-teaser revolutionary? [click for more]
Well, I figured it out before getting the link, though the last two sentences kind of gave it all away.
Just wanted be sure that more people had the context needed to appreciate just how fucking funny this piece is.
Hippity, do I have syphilis from reading this? Do I need to get tested? Cause I just did a complete screen a couple of months ago and that shit is expensive.
Just degauss and your complete screen will be reset anyway.
Mr. Hippity. can you please explain the farm animal posts from yesterday? Thanks!
56: All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.
Can we get a short play epilogue?
Daddy and Daddy are fighting!
I am in favor of homosexual fisticuffs at government benefits offices, provided they are performed as a dance number in the style of Busby Berkeley.
(this is actually how Gay people get married)
I am anxiously awaiting the "Gay Divorce Video" sequel.
What about "L 0 0 K!" with eyeballs for the O's?
I thought it was gay for "upsetting."
J-setting:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-QRjkmLEuE