I have a confession to make: I have deliberately ignored a remarkable story that has been growing in popularity across these Internets because I did not want anyone out there to get the wrong idea. You may have already heard about this somewhere else, but on the off chance that you have not I will indeed abide by the Blogger Code of Ethical Practice and share it with you. It is an issue about which I have serious reservations, but I am chastened by having been remiss in my duties and I hereby make amends. Let's begin.

In 1988, a 15-year-old girl living in the small southern African nation of Lesotho came to local doctors with all the symptoms of a woman in labor. But the doctors were quickly puzzled because, upon examination, she didn't have a vagina.

"Inspection of the vulva showed no vagina, only a shallow skin dimple," so doctors delivered a healthy baby boy via Caesarean, the authors wrote in a case report published in the British Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology.

Her birth defect — called Mullerian agenesis or Mayer-Rokitansky-Küster-Hauser syndrome — didn't necessarily surprise doctors, but her pregnancy did. Even the 15-year-old girl could not believe she was pregnant.

Yet by looking at her records the hospital staff realized the young woman was in the hospital 278 days earlier with a knife wound to her stomach. The average pregnancy lasts 280 days. After interviews, they gathered that "Just before she was stabbed in the abdomen she had practiced fellatio with her new boyfriend and was caught in the act by her former lover. The fight with knives ensued."

You can imagine where it goes from there: Scientists theorize that "spermatozoa gained access to the reproductive organs via the injured gastrointestinal tract."

The story ends happily for most of those involved-"The young mother, her family, and the likely father adapted themselves rapidly to the new situation and some cattle changed hands to prove that there were no hard feelings."-but I want you to listen and listen closely: Much as it pains me to say this, Science is wrong. You cannot get pregnant from a blowjob. In fact, studies have shown that giving blowjobs actually PREVENTS pregnancies. Also, it promotes weight loss and makes people pay more attention to you. There is no possible way that the act of performing oral sex-the most selfless yet rewarding act a person can perform-will result in your pregnancy. I don't want you to believe this ridiculous medical curiosity story with its implicit anti-blowjob propaganda. I know that Science carries a lot of authority around here, and the facts of this case seem like something you're just going to have to sit back and take in but that does not make a lick of sense. Readers, believe me: If you are going to swallow any organ's load of information, it should definitely be mine.