Knifecrime Island Glassing Victim Speaks Out
Greetings from Britain, "the glassing capital of the world":
I was glassed/bottled once a year for three years running. The first happened in Southport because I was wearing a long scarf. The third time was for accidentally spraying somebody with beer in the Old Blue Last. The second, and worst, was on Charing Cross Road in London by a guy who attempted to smash a bottle on the wall three times to stab me. I laughed at him but then he smashed the beer bottle in my face and ran off while his girlfriend cried: "Oh my gawwwwd. What ‘ave you done!" I put my hand to my head and felt a four-inch flap of skin come lose from my head.
This account offers some sociological explanations for the prevalence of glassing in Knifecrime Island, but I have my own theory. I read an article in this weekend's Telegraph about the decline in popularity of marmalade in that island nation.
The tangy spread is vanishing from the nation's breakfast tables – along with, it must be noted, the breakfast tables themselves. The scoff-as-you-go culture of a society in headlong retreat from the civilised rituals that once held it together doesn't have time to sit down over poached eggs, buttered toast and splodges of amber goo.
Curious, I made my way to the grocery to procure some of this apparently magical condiment. Having somehow managed to make it thus far in life without availing myself of its reported pleasures, I reckoned now was as good a time as any to try it. And you know what? It is some NASTY, BITTER shit. I have to believe that the Britons of old spent so much time scraping it off of their goddamn tongues that they never had the time or inclination to go about stabbing their countrymen. Now, what with its disappearance, they've got all the experience of using sharp objects but no time-consuming tongue scraping duties to distract themselves with. Naturally they're going to get up to no good. As our glassing correspondent has it, "If you're a dedicated British drinker who doesn't restrict himself to drinking in the same safe gentrified hipster bars every night then being attacked with some kind of weapon is not just something you need to be mildly worried about. It's something that you must accept as normality."
I had crumpets for breakfast this morning so I'm doing my bit.
What brand did you buy? It has to be Golden Shred.
Tiptree Tawny or something?
Sounds iffy to me.
Trader Joes cinnamon this morning. Go figure.
Whole Foods stocks some other decent brands. When you lose the taste for hormones in your meat, consider joining me in their "Splodges of Amber Goo" aisle!
See, this is an argument for loose gun laws.
Nothing is sillier and sadder than grown-ass men resorting to trying to break bottles to kill one another. And the guys that are getting in these brawls survive to brawl with others. Here they just get killed dead without having to look the fool in the process.
So more guns then?
Absolutely. More guns.
I blame Kylie Minogue
because she's australian?
This just shows that, sure, it's ok to laugh at a guy trying to break a beer bottle so that he can cut you with it, but don't STAND THERE and laugh at himk, for god's sake.
Also, my wife spent part of this weekend making marmalade. Mr. Balk–should I put you down for a jar?
1) This girl/ guy must be living a bit of a crazy life to be glassed 3 times; that is a lot. The UK is not that bad, we are not that violent and you are buying in to some nasty stereotypes promoting this idea that we will be glass every random stranger over trivial matters.
2) Marmalade is awesome, I will cut you for saying otherwise.
He's not just promoting an idea, iPud: this is now a full-blown book proposal.
Ok buddy! Your KnifeCrime Island links JUST AREN'T TO BE CLICKED UPON.
Sorry for shouting, but i speak as i find.
I want you to know that i was eating soft tofu pad thai at the time of clicking also.
Not nice.
Wait, are they broken? Or is the content objectionable?
Specifically it was the gashed face evidencing the glassing skillz to be found on KCI.
Some people are weak. I am one of them.
I'll thank you to leave Paddington out of your Knifecrime Island bullshit.
But he LOVES marmaldae!
I just spoke to the one sitting on my bed and he asked me to relay this message to you: "Cut the crap, you miserable hack. 1. I'm Peruvian by birth and therefore am not an Englishbear, you ignorant fuck and 2. your pathetic American palate cannot possibly begin to appreciate the subtleties of a fine marmalade. So as my fair mistress already requested: I'll thank you to leave me out of your Knifecrime Island bullshit."
My dad raised me on the stuff so I'm glad he never took to Marmite, as apparently Paddington has.
Who can tell what he's got under that coat?
I spent 5 years in the UK without getting glassed, or even ever being confronted with the threat of violence, apart from a drunk taking a swing at me once on the street in Leamington Spa. It just depends where you go for a pint. There are 'grim locals' where the chavs and hardmen drink, but there are plenty of decent places too.
I did have a Kiwi friend there, Sven, who had a knack for getting blind drunk and into all sorts of trouble. He has a livid scar across his neck (like, right across the jugular) from somebody swinging a sharpened belt buckle at his head outside of a pub in East London.
The UK is chock a block with really unpleasant characters, but they're not that hard to avoid. Plenty of decent people too!
Oh yeah, one of my offices was right beside the original Frank Cooper's Marmalade factory. Since relocated to, I don't know, someplace up north, but it's still a bit of a shrine for loves of the 'lade.
You are correct. The Old Blue Last was around the corner from where I lived and the clientelle are a bunch of sissified, hipster d-bags who wouldn't say boo to a goose. There are however, cockroaches crawling over the bar at all times. Dirty place!
Indeed. To be glassed three times requires some mad skilz. In my year in the UK in such fine places as Sunderland, Manchester, Harwich and Peterborough, the most aggressive event was a sidewalk shoving match (this was the height of the "Happy slapping" craze).
The only real trouble I could have got in was if I had glassed someone first, at grime show or a supremely dodgy local bar/weatherspoons.
Perhaps being a vice writer requires a greater degree of yobbish behaviour than average? Like being the kind of person you would gouge their eye out with a teaspoon if they didn't have several large, hard, townies as friends. Just sayin.
Besides you're far more likely to be glassed by a friend than by a stranger.
I've lasted 29 years (so far) in the United States without getting shot or killed even once, and yet Britons love mocking the US as some sort of lawless shooty Wild West.
So, you know, it goes both ways.
I thought "happy slapping" was a Peruvian phenomenon?
Luckily, they still have plenty of marmite. Srsly, I love that stuff.
Once every six or seven years I end up sampling Marmalade. Adult and middle age tastes have not improved my opinion of this godawful concoction.
Coincidentally, British marmalade manufacturers are being asked to switch to plastic jars in an effort to reduce the number of breakfast-time glassings.
Even tea cups and saucers are now made from shatter-resistant synthetics.
I will take the hit for everyone else and admit that I have no idea what the fuck "scoff-as-you-go culture" is supposed to mean.
Sounds like something bad the kids do in their every-generation struggle to undermine the fabrique of society.
I believe it is their way of saying "eat on the run."
The Old Blue Last is, I believe, the pub in the East End owned by Vice Magazine. So that one was probably just an ironic glassing.
Yes, sort of a scoff-as-you-go glassing.
Marmalade is amaaaaaaaaaazing!
"splodges of amber goo" – I was wondering what breakfast spread the mosquito from Jurassic Park got stuck in.
I wondered something else.
I guess it says a lot about the sartorial proclivities of the English that having being stabbed with a broken bottle for wearing a long scarf doesn't merit further explanation.
Means your a student, innit.
SORRY LOVE NO TIME FOR THE OLD IN/OUT
I'M HERE FOR THE MARMALADE
… actually what's the verbal description of getting hit over the head with a fleshlight? Because after that happened to me I also felt of 4 inch flap of skin come loose in my hand.
That may have not been the kind of comment you were looking for.
Shit.