Is Esquire just for men who hate women? Or is it just a sideline? Their Valentine's Day date ideas package... written by a woman... is stuffed with resentment and seething anger! So maybe this is some Valerie Solanas thing going on, where some rogue lady writer is trying to destroy heterosexualism? For the inert, useless Esquire reader, they have recommendations "For the Woman Expecting You to Propose" (give her a "spa day"! Because "It's no ring, but it's indulgent enough for her to brag about to her friends." Ha, prepare to die). There is the advice that you "Don't spend more than: $35 on a ton of good, cheap wine" which is "For the Woman Who Doesn't Want to Do Anything." And: "For the Clingy Girlfriend: An Hour of Ice Skating." (Um: "Why she'll like it: Hand-holding, hot chocolate, sweaters – it's you that might have the tough time here.") Also they suggest you take your "friend with benefits" to a strip bar. Lots of luck, fellas!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
41
Don't these people watch commercials? What the unproposed-to single urban woman in her late 20s/early 30s really wants is lots of Payless shoes, low-fat flavored yogurt, and International Coffeehouse coffees in passionfruit-mocha flavor that was similar to a concoction once served by hot French waiter Jean-Luc.
GOD.
As for the authoress, she seems to have entered that dark midnight of singlehood where dating seems like an absurdist farce and all other women are inferior personality-disordered sluts stealing all the men, which is SO unfair because she's really PRETTY and SMART and TOO SANE and her superiority thus makes her unfit for male attention.
AKA the long dark tea time of the soul.
Indeed. Crumpets and bitter spinsterhood served daily.
Sorry... dating is not an absurd farce? I knew I was doin' it wrong.
All of these "ideas" seem pretty pedestrian.
Women can't stand surprises. You can always dress for a cliche, but who knows what shoes go with originality?
Particularly the ones that involve walking.
This is why I date men, because we can just give each other a nice tie and call it a day.
Bastard!
It's AWESOME, seriously. Dating dudes rules. Women are apparently CONFUSING.
No offense, but I would be so bummed to receive a tie.
Wait. Dating other men is supposed to uncomplicated? I am clearly doing something WRONG.
They're AWFUL. I say that and we actually love each other.
@DoctorDisaster: clearly you've been buying the wrong ties.
It gets worse. Imagine the angst of selecting a tie for Choire.
(verbatim transcript of last night)
BF: Are we doing anything for Valentine's Day?
ME: No.
BF: Thank God.
yes, dudes are great, then they buy you a duvet suit...
man fail.
Women confusing? No tehy are not confusing, tehy are just apfuckingPARently confusing.
But there is really no problem about selecting ties as long as your tie budget is infinite. (The clocks here are obscene.) Just look for the tie that you can stare at for hours when you are stoned. (Blessed be the tie that blinds.) And some people resent Wall Street bonuses? I resent Wall Street ties, and I consider my resentment well-grounded.
And here I was planning to show up with a bottle of pinot noir and a couple roofies. She gets a kiss and the bottle, I get the roofies.
Maybe Esquire wants to thin out the hetero male population. Also I HATE ice-skating. It is the worst thing ever.
They should have really mentioned not to make her spa reservation under "the eternal bridesmaid' moniker, some readers might get confused.
I can't tell if this is contemptuous of all humankind, or just contemptuous of the subset of people who are so bereft of cheap Valentine's Day ideas that they're desperate enough to click through a 15-page gallisticle.
I can't quite grok your portmanteau. "Gal" + "listicle"? "Galling" + "listicle"?
No need to explain "listicle"; everybody knows that's a frozen bar of Listerine.
I think it's "gallery + listicle", specifying that each item on the list requires another click to appease the ad leeches.
that is indeed it. (plus, it has the whole "galling" thing implied in its first syllable.)
it never caught on, sadly. even though it is AWFUL and TERRIBLE for writers and readers alike.
Let's see, "gallus" means "chicken," so "gallisticle" would have something something to do with rooster balls? As in "Your suggestions suck rooster balls."
Canticle you pasticle the acid testicle?
The man who reads Esquire might better his put his hard-earned dollar toward a call to a 900 service.
Isn't Valentine's Day sort of radioactive in friends with benefits arrangements?
yes, i'm going to another state for the weekend to avoid the whole damn mess..."see you Thursday!"
It seems the women who date the men who take advice from this article should probably start saving up to buy their mens a Dodge Charger.
Or a Toyota Prius. That motherfucker should not have functioning brakes.
Christ, those are all terrible ideas. Don't spend more than $100 on lunch for your mistress because your wife might get suspicious of the credit card bill. But you should totally spend $590 on Agent Provocateur lingerie, which won't raise any suspicions at all?
Ah, take the cash and let the credit go.
This Esquire columnist and Glamour's "Jake" columnist should get together for Valentine's Day. They deserve each other.
Apropos of nothing, isn't it funny how saying that two people "deserve eachother" is never a compliment? Even though it probably could be? Anyway.
To avoid ambiguity, refer to the offending couple as "sparing two other people a lifetime of agony."
If a Friend with Benefits proposed doing ANYTHING on V-D, who wouldn't run for the hills?
FWB status was invented in order to avoid shit like this.
This woman is just trying to get stupid Esquire-reading men in trouble.
City_Dater and NicFit Given the nature of the relationship FWBs should exchange practical gifts, like an umbrella or bus tokens. I'm thinking of giving mine some motor oil.
Though now that I think about it that might be too personal as I would have to know which kind he uses.